Stupid I know... But feeling a bit sorry for myself

mrst58

Hi, as the title reads, I am being stupid I know but I feel ridiculously sorry for myself..

I seperated from my husband at the start of this year, it's been very painful time for both of us, about 8 weeks ago I started a new relationship with someone I met through work, someone high up in the company and someone I see maybe two or three times a week at work.

It's been a nice start to dating and I've been very happy, he has told me he loves me and has appeared happy too, there's been a few insecurities on both sides so a few disagreements but in general it's been a good couple of months.

Two weeks ago, he came by my desk and asked about meeting up after work, I kind of went a bit red and said sssshhh to him, his response was to walk off... Then ignore me for three days and when he did finally contact me it was via text, i lost my rag with him and sent a few harsh texts saying he was stupid for reacting that way etc etc, the following day there was a carrier bag under my desk with some clothes I had left at his... He had put it there.
Later that day I get a text asking for his keys back, he had lent nog given me a set when I was leaving his later than him one morning, I text back saying off him to talk to me, no response, I then text him over the next two days with again no response.
The next day he rang me on the evening, drunk, he was so cross with me about the sssshhhh incident, he said I cared more about what other people think about our relationship than what I think about him.
We agreed to meet the next day and I really thought it would be okay, we met and he asked for his keys, I was so upset and then he said that it didn't matter, I didnt get what he meant at first but then asked had he changed the locks or something and he said yes!!!! He must think I'm a psycho? Why would he do that??
He has been on holiday this week, I will see him on Monday and I'm fretting about it already, I know he's obviously not that in to me and I clearly liked him more than he liked me but I'm dreading how I will feel seeing him. I really had started to fall for him, I don't understand how something can be taken out of so much context like it has - was it just an excuse?
He did all the chasing of me and has gone from being so caring and loving to the most cold hearted/ heartless man I have ever known..

Dreading Monday...

meritaten

you only see him in work two to three times a week - grit your teeth and say a polite 'Good Morning/Afternoon'. Then totally ignore him.
I think he wanted the whole workforce to know he was 'seeing you'. and frankly, I find that disturbing. why would a boss do that? it could cause YOU no end of problems with work colleagues. think about that and perhaps you wont find Monday so distressing?

mrst58

He said he didn't want to be a secret and I tried to explain that a man in his position he should be discreet etc but he insists that it is a sign that I care more about other peoples opinions than I care about him..

Yes, I don't want to be gossiped about but this seems so ridiculous a reaction..

meritaten

You are right hun. he is wrong. there is a good reason that close personal relationships in a company are frowned upon. and that is because it causes problems for the person on the lower rung of the ladder. if he cant see that - then he is an idiot.
you are not caring about 'other peoples opinions'. you are caring about your own position in the company and your colleagues can make life very difficult for you. the person 'seeing' a boss is often gossiped about, treated with suspicion and often her colleagues will 'cold-shoulder' her. thinking she will be reporting back to her 'lover'. I think you know all that. so why wouldn't he care about putting you in that position?
I think he knows it too - and secretly LIKES that it gives him power over you. I know he seemed lovely at first - but you are now seeing the REAL him! I don't like the sound of him - you still thinking he is 'lovely'?

Horace

Never mix work with pleasure - always best to keep such things separate.

Just be polite and say good morning/afternoon and leave it at that. Life can be difficult when you go out with the boss, you lose the trust of your colleagues as they think that you will talk about them to him behind their backs and when the relationship fails which this seems to have, then the boss can make life difficult for you and you end up leaving.

Just be polite and professional at all times.

Lily-Rose_3

This ^^^ Saved me typing it all out. That's what I was going to say.

mountainofdebt

Well whilst I agree that work and relationship never mix well, I can't help but thinking that if you were so concerned about people having the wrong impression about you, why start the relationship in the first place.

At what point would you have both come 'clean'?

Are you 100% that people didn't have an idea that you were an item anyway?

purpleshoes_2

Horace wrote: »

Never mix work with pleasure - always best to keep such things separate.

Just be polite and say good morning/afternoon and leave it at that. Life can be difficult when you go out with the boss, you lose the trust of your colleagues as they think that you will talk about them to him behind their backs and when the relationship fails which this seems to have, then the boss can make life difficult for you and you end up leaving.

Just be polite and professional at all times.

He's not necessarily her boss. She said he was higher up in the company but that doesn't mean she reports directly to him.

I think changing the locks is a sign that the op should run like hell.

Talk about an overreaction. Well rid.

Seanymph

purpleshoes hits it on the head.

In a relationship sometimes you will do or see things differently - if his reaction is this extreme imagine if you had a BIG issue to sort out between you and you didn't behave exactly how he'd decided you had to in that situation.

Wow.

I would expect my partner, if that happened, to wait until we were alone and then raise whether or not we should go public because hew as obviously in a different place to me.

not throw his toys out of the pram, ignore me, change his locks - what a freak!

And NOT someone you would have a reasonable relationship with - this is all about him, and comes across as really bullying behaviour. Do it my way or I'll freak out is not a nice mantra in a boyfriend.

Pollycat

I think he's behaved in a very immature way and you're probably best out of it altogether.

As per other posters, be polite when you see him and leave it at that.

FBaby

It's obvious to me that the situation is the opposite to how you assess it. He REALLY cared for you, to the point that he was happy for your colleagues to know you were together and he took your reation that you wanted it to remain a secret and that means you are either embarrassed to be going out with him, or that you don't care enough that you want it to be known by others.

I expect he tried to explain this to you, but you didn't get it, so he took it that he was right in the first place about your feelings for him. Whether it is a case of over-reaction (have to say the changing the locks is a bit psycho-like), or that he is the type of person who do things passionately, black or white, either way, he clearly has decided that he wasn't prepared to invest in your relationship any longer.

Sounds that if you were not able to communicate your feelings about such a small misunderstanding, you would have struggle to communicate about more important issues and the relationship was doomed from the start anyway. You probably had a lucky escape.

Just to there Monday with you head high. It will be hard to work with him to start with, but that's the risk you took by getting involved with someone at work, so you have to accept the consequences. It really get easier with time until the time you will wonder what you ever find attractive about him!