Will preperation has raised a question...

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

I'm not sure whether this is the right forum......


I'm looking into writing a will leaving everything 50/50 to my 2 daughters - but its raised another question!


My eldest DD is 7, she has no contact with her father hasn't for years - He was paying maintenance through CSA but most recently he is trying to wangle out of it.


Now - I do not have a residence order on DD. He does have PR.


What happens to DD if I die before she is an adult? Will she automatically be sent to live with my ex? Can I state what I would like to happen?

missprice

You can put in your will or a letter or just in writing somewhere that you wish x to look after child z until whatever age ( 18? )
But should the worst happen, social services would most likely be aware and if they deemed your choice to be unsuitable for any reason then they would cast about for other relatives.

Oh and maybe ask who ever it is if they even want that responsibility.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

missprice wrote: »

You can put in your will or a letter or just in writing somewhere that you wish x to look after child z until whatever age ( 18? )
But should the worst happen, social services would most likely be aware and if they deemed your choice to be unsuitable for any reason then they would cast about for other relatives.

Oh and maybe ask who ever it is if they even want that responsibility.

But.. Lets say for example I put that I would like for my parents to raise her, Surely - as he will be DD's next of kin and still has PR, he could over rule that and say he wants Dd to go to him.


Whilst I'm not against him having access, I don't want DD suddenly being stuck with someone, who although is her dad, is effectively a stranger. If it was done with progression then ok, but not instantly.

Mojisola

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

My eldest DD is 7, she has no contact with her father hasn't for years

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

But.. Lets say for example I put that I would like for my parents to raise her, Surely - as he will be DD's next of kin and still has PR, he could over rule that and say he wants Dd to go to him.

Whilst I'm not against him having access, I don't want DD suddenly being stuck with someone, who although is her dad, is effectively a stranger.

Name your parents with the explanation that she has had no contact with her father for years - SS would be very unlikely to put a child with a stranger when there are relatives she knows willing to have her. The grandparents' position would be even stronger if it meant she could continue to go to the same school and keep seeing the same friends.

They may recommend that he becomes involves in her life if he wants to so your parents would have to be willing to accommodate that.

RAS

I am not sure that you could prevent him insisting on her living with him, if that is what he wanted at this point in time. Although the courts look unkindly on spliting children who have been brought up together so what happens to younger DD might have an impact.

Remember however that DD1 is now 7 and within 5 or so years will be considered Gillick competant. That means that what she wants matters. Dad would be hard pushed to prevent her living with your parents.

So write what you want regarding guardianship and leave the money/assets in trust and appoint people you know will do what you would want as trustees.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Mojisola wrote: »

Name your parents with the explanation that she has had no contact with her father for years - SS would be very unlikely to put a child with a stranger when there are relatives she knows willing to have her. The grandparents' position would be even stronger if it meant she could continue to go to the same school and keep seeing the same friends.

They may recommend that he becomes involves in her life if he wants to so your parents would have to be willing to accommodate that.

to be honest I don't think he will take DD1 (I've offered access, he refuses it) but I wonder whether that will change if I should die...


I just don't want DD "taken" and be scared or frightened (Although I know he's her dad - she doesn't know him so she probably would be very upset)

RAS wrote: »

I am not sure that you could prevent him insisting on her living with him, if that is what he wanted at this point in time. Although the courts look unkindly on spliting children who have been brought up together so what happens to younger DD might have an impact.

Remember however that DD1 is now 7 and within 5 or so years will be considered Gillick competant. That means that what she wants matters. Dad would be hard pushed to prevent her living with your parents.

So write what you want regarding guardianship and leave the money/assets in trust and appoint people you know will do what you would want as trustees.

It's more - If I were to die tomorrow, I don't want him to demand DD and her be removed from everything she knows and placed with him when she doesn't know him. My mum has already said she would fight him for DD but I'm wondering whether he "over rules" her as he has PR - I wasn't sure what age they took into account DD's wishes


Hopefully this is all in preparation for when I cop it in my 80's and not any time soon so she will be all grown up!

Mojisola

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

to be honest I don't think he will take DD1 (I've offered access, he refuses it) but I wonder whether that will change if I should die...

I just don't want DD "taken" and be scared or frightened (Although I know he's her dad - she doesn't know him so she probably would be very upset)

Your parents have the strongest case for being her guardians.

mossstitchmama

Glad you are thinking about this issue. A friend of mine died without sorting out a similar situation and it left major problems, compounded by the fact she refused to tell her two children aged 10 and 4 she was terminally ill.

She had breast cancer (died age 37) and two children by different fathers. She was married to younger child's father (only days before she died) and the older child's father was involved on a regular basis. After her death the older child continued to live with his sister and her father, but as nothing had been sorted before her death, the older child's father wanted him to live with him full time.

Luckily, the situation was sorted fairly amicably, as it became obvious that the children should not face the trauma of living apart when they had just lost their mother.

I would hope that putting your wishes in writing and confirming that with your parents would be enough. I hope this situation never occurs for you but at least you have put measures in place should the worst happen.

jackyann

I have sadly, come across this a few times. As you are not in contact with your daughter's father, you can't discuss it amicably. This is what to do:
Decide who you want to be "testamentary guardians", check with them and sort out any practical problems. Although it makes sense to look ahead, remember that you can change your will in a few years' time if need be.
Use a solicitor for this type of will, and ask to have a letter filed with the will, explaining that the father has had no contact and that is why you have chosen x & y as guardians.

In the event of your sudden death, Social Services would do an immediate check that you DD was being cared for, and (unless there was an overwhelming reason) would leave her with you parents (or another close relative / friend). The matter would then go before the courts (as she is effectively orphaned) who will consider the child's best interests, including her wishes.
Given the scenario you describe, she will stay with your parents - the best he could do is re-establish contact (which seems unlikely).
I have never known the courts over-rule the deceased parents' wishes, and in cases I have heard of, the only reason for over-ruling were overwhelming unsuitability (really!)
So I would put that concern out of your mind. You may do well to find a solicitor used to dealing with family law.

BobQ

I agree with Jackyann, best to use a solicitor for this sort of thing, not only should a solicitor make your wishes clear, but a solicitor should also take notes of your reasons.

Do you have any way of contacting your ex. If you do I think it might be useful to have a conversation or exchange of letters and see what his reaction is. It might not change what you do in your Will but it might be useful to know what his view might be.

RAS

My understanding is that the ex refuses to let the OP know his address and that his parents refuse to visit the child and insist that she has to vist them, contrary to her wishes. Therefore communication is limited.