Elderly bedridden mother wants to go home - advice please!!!

Savvy_Sue

I watched bits of that documentary about older people and how to meet their care needs. There was a couple, lady was bed-bound and chap not too well either. They were determined to stay at home. Had carers in four times a day, clearly not enough, the lady was phoning 999 at very regular intervals - when the carers were late, if she wanted something and he couldn't or wouldn't do it for her etc. But still they were living at home.

nightsong

Well, things have changed. I just had a phone call from the nursing home to say she has just been taken to hospital. She is having trouble breathing.

I am both extremely anxious and quite relieved. She will get the care she needs.

Mojisola

nightsong wrote: »

Well, things have changed. I just had a phone call from the nursing home to say she has just been taken to hospital. She is having trouble breathing.

I am both extremely anxious and quite relieved. She will get the care she needs.

Sorry to hear that but it will only postpone the decision. It may become evident this time that she isn't capable of being at home and alone most of the time and that residential care is the only option.

margaretclare

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I watched bits of that documentary about older people and how to meet their care needs. There was a couple, lady was bed-bound and chap not too well either. They were determined to stay at home. Had carers in four times a day, clearly not enough, the lady was phoning 999 at very regular intervals - when the carers were late, if she wanted something and he couldn't or wouldn't do it for her etc. But still they were living at home.

Yes, I saw it. That, again, was down to the fact that they both had mental capacity and were deemed fit and able to make their own decisions and choices.

This is not what the 999 service is for.

Savvy_Sue

margaretclare wrote: »

Yes, I saw it. That, again, was down to the fact that they both had mental capacity and were deemed fit and able to make their own decisions and choices.

This is not what the 999 service is for.

There was a clear conflict apparent to me: they were deemed to have mental capacity, but the lady in particular was in absolute denial about the number of times she'd dialled 999, and the reasons for it. Memory problems were mentioned briefly.

But if anyone wanted reassurance that either they or elderly relatives wouldn't be carted off to a 'home' against their wishes, I felt it was in that program. Even after several hospital admissions each they were still at home.

nightsong, I can understand your mix of anxiety and relief.

Parva

margaretclare wrote: »

Sounds very much like it. I agree with Errata.

Egocentric = me, me, me. One must be realistic. We all have things we'd like to do but it's not possible. As DH said yesterday when requesting an electrician to call and replace an outside light - 'I used to shinny up ladders 60 feet off the ground. I can't any longer'.

Going on holiday to Benidorm, Parva? What's she going to do there? We recently went to Alicante and even that was difficult, although we did manage to amble slowly along the Explanada de Espana. I've long had an ambition to go to Jerusalem and walk the Way of the Cross. It ain't going to happen.

My Nan likes Benidorm because she's been many many times and knows her way around it, even though she fails to understand that she simply could not actually manage to get around it. She just will not accept that her holidaying days are over, she is oblivious to how frail she has become. She also forgets things a lot and gets confused easily. It's sad to see her like this as she was incredibly bright and very active up until around 5-6 years ago.

My mum lives opposite my Nan and bears the brunt of most of the work in looking after her though my uncle usually does an online shop for her midweek and visits on a Sunday but both are finding it very hard work. Sadly my uncle doesn't seem to think she's bad enough to need to go into sheltered housing but then he's not the one on her doorstep constantly being asked to run errands.

As someone else mentioned in another post, my Nan is great at covering up how bad she really is when she sees the doctor. My mum has tried explaining to them just how bad it is but Nan is good at convincing them otherwise. I've had my mum at my house in tears many times, the strain it's putting on her is terrible. As I said, I love her to bits but if I'm honest if she continues to refuse to even entertain the idea of being re-homed then her passing away is going to be a blessing. I hate that I'm even typing that but I hate even more the strain she is putting on others in the family.

Mojisola

Parva wrote: »

My mum lives opposite my Nan and bears the brunt of most of the work in looking after her though my uncle usually does an online shop for her midweek and visits on a Sunday but both are finding it very hard work.

Sadly my uncle doesn't seem to think she's bad enough to need to go into sheltered housing but then he's not the one on her doorstep constantly being asked to run errands.(

Your Mum could phone her brother every time Nan wants her to do something. Perhaps ask him to take every second task on. He'll soon realise just how much help she needs.

LL30

Terribly sorry to hear the news your Mum's gone back into hospital.

I'll just outline the process for you below so you know what to look out for in case it's helpful. All the documents can be found online if you wish to see examples.

1. A continuing health care checklist is completed. There are 11 domains ranging from nutrition to mobility. People are scored A, B or C, I'll explain it simply. A= meets this need (ie very high) B = partially meets this need (ie high) C = doesn't meet the need or has a little. The scoring is a little complex but generally you have to have a certain amount of As or Bs to then be considered for a Health Needs Assessment.

2. A health needs assessment is done by a nurse. This looks at all of the domains, specifically for nursing needs. For example, if someone is PEG fed.

3. If the health needs assessment shows enough need, a DST (Decision Support Tool) meeting is called. This is what I was referring to before when the family and continuing health care get together to discuss the domains and the nursing needs. Be warned though, even some needs which are nursing needs might not require a nursing placement. For example, the PEG if not problematic could be managed at home with the district nurse coming in. The complexity and intensity of the problems are key.

There are generally 3 outcomes for a DST:

1. No funding from health - all needs can be met at home with district nurse input if needed.

2. Funded nursing care - a partial payment by health to top up social funding. Generally used for a nursing placement, but not always, can be a mixed package at home.

3. Full continuing health care funding. Fortunately I have never witnessed this. I say fortunately as this would be someone with incredibly high and complex needs.

Anyone can ask for a DST, even if they do not meet the first 2 criteria, as everyone is entitled to be considered for funding.

Hope that helps a little, it's a minefield and not very accessible I feel. Lots of stages and variables to get your head around.

Parva

Mojisola wrote: »

Your Mum could phone her brother every time Nan wants her to do something. Perhaps ask him to take every second task on. He'll soon realise just how much help she needs.

My mum's sort of tried this but Uncle being some distance away (25 minutes or so drive) sorta dismisses it, out of sight is out of mind with him alas. To make matters worse, my Nan praises her 'lovely son' everytime he visits (once per week) in a text message to the whole family yet my mum never gets any praise whatsoever despite her being the one doing the majority of the caring. I've told mum that she has to stop dropping everything and caring for her, let her struggle and let Uncle see just how bad it really is! Anyway, it's ongoing, hopefully something will change soon. Apologies also to the OP, I didn't mean to hijack the thread, just wanted to point out that it seems to be a common problem. This entire thread certainly proves that!

Mojisola

Parva wrote: »

My mum's sort of tried this but Uncle being some distance away (25 minutes or so drive) sorta dismisses it, out of sight is out of mind with him alas.

To make matters worse, my Nan praises her 'lovely son' everytime he visits (once per week) in a text message to the whole family yet my mum never gets any praise whatsoever despite her being the one doing the majority of the caring.

That's very common, especially when it's a daughter doing the 24/7 caring and a son who is a less frequent visitor.

I've told mum that she has to stop dropping everything and caring for her, let her struggle and let Uncle see just how bad it really is!

Good advice - but it's very difficult for the carer to do.

As Nan uses texts, could your Mum do the same - send a text round the family every time she does something for Nan? Perhaps start with one saying something like she's concerned about how much help Nan is needing and that your Mum knows she won't be able to manage?