Maintainence

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

If we had married I could have taken him to court and got maintaince through the divorce and not CSA... I'm 99.9% that the only option I had, at the time, was the CSA


We're on the "old" system of CSA, I was thinking of moving it to CMS though (Fed up ringing for reviews every year)


I really hope when DD is older she will realise what an idiot he has been

itsanne

!!!!!! wrote: »

I'll agree with that when there is a reciprocal process whereby the maintenance drops because the PWC takes a new husband/live in boyfriend.

Why? That doesn't stop the child being the parent's. The maintenance is for the child, not the other parent.

fivetide

Person_one wrote: »

I don't understand how some women can bear to live with a man who treats their exes and their 'past' children so badly, do they think they'd deserve better treatment if things went wrong and they separated?

I feel the same about people who get together through affairs. It shouldn't be a surprise when one of them then turns out to do the same thing again.

In this case though, the wife would know exactly what is happening not some revisionist history. For me OP it seems you have a lot of backwards and forwards through CSA but no real dialogue with your ex.

Perhaps a conversation, highlighting he has a daughter who (as you rightly say) is more than likely to grow up with a huge dislike for her "deadbeat dad". Ask him if that's what he'd like the others to think. Would he be happy knowing his other kids were treated like that? Hit the guilt trip on him. I doubt it will work but worth giving it a go.

pmlindyloo

I do agree with fivetide that from what you say you are not going to get anywhere with the CSA or CMS so it is worth writing to your ex and using a bit of emotional blackmail.

Of course this may not work but at the very least it should remind him that he has another child.

Perhaps a regular chatty letter with a photograph of your daughter or a picture she has done.

of course you would need to do this carefully and probably not involve your daughter as if he ignores you/her she will not be disappointed.

How old is your daughter? Does she talk about her dad? What have you said to her about his not seeing her?

Personally I wouldn't even speak about maintenance at this point, just about how sad you/your daughter are that they have lost contact.

You could of cause mention that the previous maintenance was in a bank account for your daughter but you recognise that situations change but if he did have any spare money he could transfer some to this bank account.

It would be difficult to write such a letter, I know, because from your post you are feeing very bitter about what has happened but it seems to me that the relationship between your daughter and her dad is the most important thing here.

Worth a try.

teffers

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

I really hope when DD is older she will realise what an idiot he has been

Sorry, but it's very likely she wont.

My brother's partner had a similar situation to yours. The daughter (now in her 20s) runs around in cricles trying to please her Dad, and then on regular occasions treats her mum like crap.

They desperately want to win the affection of the distant parent, all the while the parent who has loved them (and shown it with the care they give) for the last 25 years gets the !!!!.

Just write the idiot off, it's his loss.

KxMx

Person_one wrote: »

Actually, I disagree with you. She married a man who had a child, she knew he had a lifelong responsibility to her and that should have become a family responsibility when they became a family.

I don't understand how some women can bear to live with a man who treats their exes and their 'past' children so badly, do they think they'd deserve better treatment if things went wrong and they separated?

Because they are deluded enough to think they "are the one" and "we'll be together forever so that will never happen to me".
:cool:
As well as coming up with all kinds of twisted reasons to justify OH's current behaviour...

I have seen intelligent women act like total fools when it comes to relationships it can astonish me.

teffers wrote: »

Sorry, but it's very likely she wont.

My brother's partner had a similar situation to yours. The daughter (now in her 20s) runs around in cricles trying to please her Dad, and then on regular occasions treats her mum like crap.

They desperately want to win the affection of the distant parent, all the while the parent who has loved them (and shown it with the care they give) for the last 25 years gets the !!!!.

Just write the idiot off, it's his loss.

I disagree. My Dad never paid a penny out of his own pocket once my parents split up (he lives in the US so no CSA). He was entitled to claim money from his employer on the basis of having children which he did. Sent it (actually we are lucky he didn't keep it for himself that's the kind of man he is) and if for example it didn't arrive or the envelope was mysteriously empty yet unopened we were told "tough". Was the equivalent of £5 per week and he was working full time. All the while funding a lifestyle for his step kids we never even dreamed of it was so far from our reality! He recently spoke blithely of shelling out $6k for their college! One now has gone into a career with full tuition paid by her future employer and the other hasn't left school yet.

You know how much running I do after him? None. You know how much respect I have for him? None.

Gigervamp

Heh, maybe karma will get his wife, when he leaves her and their children.

My ex-FIL did something like that. He had a previous family, but when he married my ex-MIL, she told him he wasn't to have anything to do with them. He then went on to have a family with her. My ex and his siblings new nothing about their half siblings until their mother died.

Women who are like that are dispicable, and men who disown their old families when they start a new one are also despicable.

Sorry you're going through this Mimi.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

I can't write him a letter - he moved and refused to give me the address (this ess when he was having access - my solicitor used to send the letters to his work but this is no longer possible)

And when I call him he doesn't answer - If I call from another number he doesn't answer either. DD was rushed into hospital once via ambulance, I called him a few times and left messages - I got a text, 12 hours later saying he wasn't answering because he was ' in bed' with his wife

DD accepts he doesn't see her - I used to day he worked all the time but as she got older she realised I had lied. She says she doesn't want to see her dad (not ho me - to her teachers etc)

fivetide

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

DD accepts he doesn't see her - I used to day he worked all the time but as she got older she realised I had lied. She says she doesn't want to see her dad (not ho me - to her teachers etc)

That's an issue. You need a good bond of trust between you and her not just as a single parent but also as mother and daughter.

I wouldn't be deliberately bad mouthing him, I think that only fuels bitterness but there is no way you should compromise your relationship to lie for him.

marisco_2

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

I won't bad mouth him to pur daughter (although sometimes it's difficult not to) I just hope she realises what an idiot he has been because he's really missing out, not the other way round I guess

However little involvement your ex has had in your daughters life he is still her dad, and it is very important that she gets to form her own opinions of him as she grows up. By choosing not to bad mouth him to her, you are enabling her to do this. The bond and connection you two share will be strengthened by this approach.

I think you are doing a great job by being the one constant that she can trust, rely on and turn to whenever she needs to. I know from experience how tough it is raising a child by yourself. Much respect to you OP