Alcoholic 'Family' Member

*Robin*

One kick up the wotsit which may be useful, is to start planning for death. It may be lingeringly unpleasant as his liver fails, so setting up a Power of Attorney is a good idea - and much cheaper / simpler than dealing with the Court of Protection (if PoA isn't sorted out before mental capacity has been lost). A joint bank account with his wife will prevent financial hardship for the family while he is incapacitated, and for that difficult time just after his death of course.
Has the man made a Will? Does he have any requests re the arrangements for his funeral?

It's not an easy discussion, but might just get through to this man how much his family are worrying about him.
If he still doesn't want help to cut down his drinking, then at least the family will be slightly better prepared for the inevitable.

(Yup. Been there. More than once ).

phill99

ljonski wrote: »

Ive found this.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/alcohol_abuse_alcoholism_signs_effects_treatment.htm

You could print off some similar articles and leave them around to be read.
Also take photos of the individual whilst inebreated and show them to them whenever sober.

Alchololism is so destructive and the greatest weapon that you have is love

You have never lived with an alcoholic have you?

phill99

HappyMJ wrote: »

You can call social services....but is that something you really want to do as your sister will be taken from your mother. Your mother is failing to prevent the drinking so is partially responsible so social services will see it that way and seriously think about removing the children if they think that is the best option....especially if he is abusive when drunk or very much so if violent.

Anyway, if he's not abusive or violent and you don't really like him then let him drink himself to death. It's not your worry.

You seriously know absolutely nothing about alcoholism. You know less about social services. You are an absolute disgrace making such comments.

GobbledyGook

Kayalana99 wrote: »

He isn't a danger , in fact he is nicer when drunk then he is sober.. but obv no it isn't good for the children to be around it. Tbh I think he just sits on the sofa all day watching tele drinking as my sister doesn't know anything that is going off, she told me that she just stays out of it and doesn't go near him so I am guessing they spend a lot of time in their rooms.

I will have to suggest about them coming round more, I never go round to theirs as it's just to awkward and I don't like my kids near him (even before the alcohol problems.)

*I say anything she knows of the drinking but just stays away from him

I think you probably underestimate what your sister knows and is thinking. Although she'll stay out the way of him as much as possible if he is starting to become jaundiced she'll see it if she passes him in the hall or kitchen. She'll also probably be well able to pick up on the fact that you are more concerned, your mother is also probably more concerned, than you have been previously.

Don't underestimate how much children pick up and hear when we think they don't.

Also if she knows you don't particularly like him, or about the issues that mean you don't go round there, then you may not be the one she'd confide in even if she did know (and even if you are the person she would normally confide in).

You say two young children, how old is the other child?

Alateen could be a very helpful place for your sister.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

If he's jaundiced, barely eating and has still not got to the point of seeking help, he may not have much time left.

If she's avoiding him, it's very likely that she's detached herself emotionally from him - because he really isn't there in much more than body.

He can't be helped, he won't be helped, it's nobody's fault but his own - but you can be there for the others as he careers towards his premature death.

marisco_2

azzabazza wrote: »

Exactly this. This was certainly the case with my nephew. It was unbelievable the tricks he would play to get his hands on alcohol. And his hiding places .... well that was another story!

After 20 years an alcoholic he has been 'dry' for 5 months. As a family we can only hope and pray he continues. It's like walking on egg shells.

I am so sorry for all that your family is going through and has to cope with. The strain and worry that comes about, from seeing someone you love cause harm to themselves, is like no other and can become unbearable. Make sure to take good care of yourself. I hope you have a good support network around you.

Kayalana99

GobbledyGook wrote: »

Also if she knows you don't particularly like him, or about the issues that mean you don't go round there, then you may not be the one she'd confide in even if she did know (and even if you are the person she would normally confide in).

You say two young children, how old is the other child?

Alateen could be a very helpful place for your sister.

You've probably hit the nail on the head with that. She must know that we don't like him so won't really open up about it...probably more going on in her head then she lets on but she does seem to be coping well considering, I am not sure if she realises he is going to die though.... or a high probability anyway.

My brother is near 10, but it's another kettle of fish..his Dad has ignored him most of his life and he isn't quite normal...I wouldn't want to say he has special needs but it certainly has been something I have been pushing my Mum to get him in the Doctors to find out but he just doesn't have any connection with his Dad whatsoever, at most he gets shouted at when he does something wrong.

margaretclare

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

If he's jaundiced, barely eating and has still not got to the point of seeking help, he may not have much time left.

If she's avoiding him, it's very likely that she's detached herself emotionally from him - because he really isn't there in much more than body.

He can't be helped, he won't be helped, it's nobody's fault but his own - but you can be there for the others as he careers towards his premature death.

I thought of commenting on the jaundice yesterday but we're asked not to stray into the 'medical' arena.

However, jaundice indicates liver damage. We only have one liver and it has to deal with everything we choose to put into our bodies through our mouths. The liver is a wonderful organ and can regenerate itself a lot, but eventually it gets to saying 'enough is enough' and will not regenerate any more.

Liver failure not only causes jaundice - the yellow colour of the skin - but it is painful.

GobbledyGook

Kayalana99 wrote: »

You've probably hit the nail on the head with that. She must know that we don't like him so won't really open up about it...probably more going on in her head then she lets on but she does seem to be coping well considering, I am not sure if she realises he is going to die though.... or a high probability anyway.

My brother is near 10, but it's another kettle of fish..his Dad has ignored him most of his life and he isn't quite normal...I wouldn't want to say he has special needs but it certainly has been something I have been pushing my Mum to get him in the Doctors to find out but he just doesn't have any connection with his Dad whatsoever, at most he gets shouted at when he does something wrong.

You really need to speak to your Mum and get both children some support. Children, even those with learning difficulties and special needs, pick up on a huge deal. Even being ignored by his father will be having an impact on your brother, and with special needs it's even more difficult to work out what they are understanding and thinking.

Please don't think that because your sister outwardly seems to be coping well means that she doesn't need that extra support. Plus it is better to put that outside support in place now while she is coping (if she is) so that if a point comes where she isn't it is at easy reach for her.

Losing their father will impact them. Even if in many, many ways it is a relieving loss it is still a loss. I was taken away from my parents when I was 7 because of drugs and alcohol. I maybe saw my father a handful of times in passing after that and I had two years of counselling in my teens - when he died last year it sent me on a rollercoaster of emotions that I simply wasn't expecting.

It took me a good while to realise that I was grieving because on the day the evil waste of space he was died any chance of the little girl I was getting the Dad she deserved and wanted also died. Wondering why you are heartbroken over someone you hated/disliked was confusing enough for me as an adult - for children that would/will be so much worse.

Kayalana99

Thank you GG, I appreciate you sharing that with me. I will see what I can do but as much as I love my Mum and know how much she cares in her own way, she likes to sweep things under the rug as much as possible..as like she is doing with my brother. I certainly will speak to her soon about having them round more and seeking outside help for them ... my brother is a hard one to crack and prefers playing his xBox above all else and wouldn't want to come round.