How do I handle this?

jackyann

Yes Mojisola, they do. That is when both parents need to be on the same page.
Very hard if you don't really have confidence in the other parent, and it doesn't do a 3 year old any good to think that she can manipulate the adults in her life either.

shoe*diva79

Thank you for the ideas.

A little update... I collected DD yesterday lunchtime as we had a family event in the afternoon. I said I would give him a call when we were done so that she could spend the remainder of the weekend with her dad and his words were 'no point her coming back just to sleep here and Sunday' so she didn't go back.

When I collected her I mentioned we need to talk about contact as current arrangements are not working and he rolled his eyes and just said goodbye to our DD.

What has actually made me really upset is that DD told me yesterday that they FaceTimed his girlfriend. No problem with that, just makes me wonder why he can go 2-3 weeks without FaceTiming or calling our DD.

DD always seems to be the bottom of his priorities after his other 2 older children, his job and his girlfriend.

He is next due contact from 9th August for 1 week as part of summer holidays so I have plenty of time to think of how to put all your great ideas and thoughts into something he will hopefully understand.

melissa-elizabeth

It doesn't seem to me like he's very bothered about seeing her. Especially with an attitude of rolling his eyes. Does your daughter see her grandparents? (His mum and/or dad?)

shoe*diva79

melissa-elizabeth wrote: »

It doesn't seem to me like he's very bothered about seeing her. Especially with an attitude of rolling his eyes. Does your daughter see her grandparents? (His mum and/or dad?)

Not really, no. Only if he takes he to see them. They live opposite him which is about 1 mile from where I live. I spoke to them just around the May half term saying if they wanted to spend some time with her then let me know and I could drop her round for a few hours. They said no though.

melissa-elizabeth

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

Not really, no. Only if he takes he to see them. They live opposite him which is about 1 mile from where I live. I spoke to them just around the May half term saying if they wanted to spend some time with her then let me know and I could drop her round for a few hours. They said no though.

And yet there are some dads fighting to see their children because some mothers like to use them as weapons. Going on what you’ve said, you have gave him every opportunity to be there for her, I’d go as far as saying it seems like you’ve perhaps been a bit of a pushover because he seems to be taking the piffle. I wonder if he’s actually not paying her attention when she’s staying at his and she might be getting bored or feeling unloved because it does seem to me that he just doesn’t want to know. It won’t be long until your daughter starts picking up on his attitude, and she’ll start to resent him (maybe she has already and that’s why she doesn’t want to stay at his). Do you feel like he actually wants to see her on the rare occasions that he does? If not, maybe it’s time to cut ties, it might seem harsh, but it might be better for her to not have him around than have him upset her every time he can be bothered being around.

shoe*diva79

melissa-elizabeth wrote: »

And yet there are some dads fighting to see their children because some mothers like to use them as weapons. Going on what you’ve said, you have gave him every opportunity to be there for her, I’d go as far as saying it seems like you’ve perhaps been a bit of a pushover because he seems to be taking the piffle. I wonder if he’s actually not paying her attention when she’s staying at his and she might be getting bored or feeling unloved because it does seem to me that he just doesn’t want to know. It won’t be long until your daughter starts picking up on his attitude, and she’ll start to resent him (maybe she has already and that’s why she doesn’t want to stay at his). Do you feel like he actually wants to see her on the rare occasions that he does? If not, maybe it’s time to cut ties, it might seem harsh, but it might be better for her to not have him around than have him upset her every time he can be bothered being around.

Thats exactly how I feel but when he does bother with her, she seems to enjoy her time there from what she tells me. I could give a list as long as my arm with regard to him not bothering - a couple of examples...

She was admitted to hospital when she had chicken pox last year due to severe reaction and was very poorly. I called him and and asked him to come and help stay with her so I could go home and get some rest and he refused. His reason was that he was away camping with friends. Not far away, just around 15 miles away.

Her pre school asked to see us both regarding some developmental concerns back around Christmas time. I told him the date and he said he couldn't do it so I changed the date and let him know via email. Didn't get a reply and he didn't turn up. He has never asked how she got on. 2 weeks ago was her next one, I let him know, he said he wouldn't be attending and hasn't asked how she got on.

I know this sounds terrible, but I am starting to feel very very bitter. He left us and it seems that whilst he can live the life he wants seeing our DD as and when it fits in with his plans, I have to consider our DD for everything as I cannot rely on him to help out as I feel he should be or take any kind of interest in her.

melissa-elizabeth

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

Thats exactly how I feel but when he does bother with her, she seems to enjoy her time there from what she tells me. I could give a list as long as my arm with regard to him not bothering - a couple of examples...

She was admitted to hospital when she had chicken pox last year due to severe reaction and was very poorly. I called him and and asked him to come and help stay with her so I could go home and get some rest and he refused. His reason was that he was away camping with friends. Not far away, just around 15 miles away.

Her pre school asked to see us both regarding some developmental concerns back around Christmas time. I told him the date and he said he couldn't do it so I changed the date and let him know via email. Didn't get a reply and he didn't turn up. He has never asked how she got on. 2 weeks ago was her next one, I let him know, he said he wouldn't be attending and hasn't asked how she got on.

I know this sounds terrible, but I am starting to feel very very bitter. He left us and it seems that whilst he can live the life he wants seeing our DD as and when it fits in with his plans, I have to consider our DD for everything as I cannot rely on him to help out as I feel he should be or take any kind of interest in her.

So he’s basically choosing to be a dad when it’s convenient for him? Not good enough. It just seems to me that he's maybe messing you around so much so that you WILL put your foot down and say, "That's it! You can't see her at all anymore!" So that he can tell people that it was you who stopped contact, meaning he doesn't look like the bad guy. What is he like with his other kids? Does his girlfriend not try and get him more involved?

shoe*diva79

melissa-elizabeth wrote: »

So he’s basically choosing to be a dad when it’s convenient for him? Not good enough. It just seems to me that he's maybe messing you around so much so that you WILL put your foot down and say, "That's it! You can't see her at all anymore!" So that he can tell people that it was you who stopped contact, meaning he doesn't look like the bad guy. What is he like with his other kids? Does his girlfriend not try and get him more involved?

I have never met her. I only knew about her when our DD said there was a lady sleeping in daddies bed. Not a nice way to find out.

I suppose its why I came to ask for peoples opinions on how to handle the situation because having tried to talk to him before and his attitude regarding times I have asked him for help, I just feel it will be like talking to a brick wall and I will end up losing my temper which obviously isn't how I want things to go. It will be my frustrations pouring out.

He wasn't great at contact with his other kids - every other weekend and 2 weeks in holidays. I liked them coming and encouraged as much time in addition but then they are older and happy to do stuff with their friends. They also do a lot of clubs like football and drama after school and weekends which their mum mostly ferried them to and from.

shoe*diva79

*Robin* wrote: »

..But only if you are absolutely certain Dad will turn up - on time, OP!

ps. Have corrected your Freudian slip, Pricivius - rather apt, alas.

This exactly. He didnt turn up on Boxing day last year. I was livid.

Also, in the 2 birthdays she has had since we separated, he has not contacted her on them, and on the first birthday didnt even turn up to her party!!! He wasnt invited to the second one!