How do I handle this?

shoe*diva79

I have a 3 year old DD with my ex. He sees her every other weekend although occasionally depending on either his or my plans he sometimes skips a weekend.

Tonight for the first time ever, DD refused to go and was kicking, screaming, holding on my neck so tight it hurt. The more he tried to take her off me, the more distressed she got.

He never contacts her between their contact. No phone call, FaceTime, Skype or anything. I no longer let her try and call him as he does not answer or return the missed call which was upsetting her.

How can I approach this with him so he realises that turning up 2-4 days a month isn't enough to maintain a fulfilling relationship with DD and if it continues then her desire to spend time with him will more then likely decline?

gingin_2

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

I have a 3 year old DD with my ex. He sees her every other weekend although occasionally depending on either his or my plans he sometimes skips a weekend.

Tonight for the first time ever, DD refused to go and was kicking, screaming, holding on my neck so tight it hurt. The more he tried to take her off me, the more distressed she got.

He never contacts her between their contact. No phone call, FaceTime, Skype or anything. I no longer let her try and call him as he does not answer or return the missed call which was upsetting her.

How can I approach this with him so he realises that turning up 2-4 days a month isn't enough to maintain a fulfilling relationship with DD and if it continues then her desire to spend time with him will more then likely decline?

How is your relationship with him?

If it's civil enough that you can meet up alone, I would meet somewhere neutral and say exactly what you have written calmly and factually and make him realise it's in her best interests.

Poor her and poor you.

shoe*diva79

gingin wrote: »

How is your relationship with him?

If it's civil enough that you can meet up alone, I would meet somewhere neutral and say exactly what you have written calmly and factually and make him realise it's in her best interests.

Poor her and poor you.

After a rocky patch its not to bad. I have tried to talk to him about it before and have also taken him to court for a contact order to try and force time - which was a waste of time as he refused so the contact order is just every other weekend.

When i spoke to him before we met in a local Costa Coffee and again, was pointless. At the time, DD didnt appear that bothered by lack of contact and was always happy to go to him but after tonights performance its making me feel quite anxious. I forced her to go and now feel terrible that I have possibly upset her.

atolaas

I second what gingin has said...I don't envy your situation and hope that it is resolved soon.

atolaas

It might be worth have a chat with your DD about the situation and find out why she doesn't want to go with her Dad. I understand that she's only 3, but there maybe a geniune reason why she is so reluctant to go. Does your ex have a new partner? Perhaps she hasn't taken to them.

shoe*diva79

atolaas wrote: »

It might be worth have a chat with your DD about the situation and find out why she doesn't want to go with her Dad. I understand that she's only 3, but there maybe a geniune reason why she is so reluctant to go. Does your ex have a new partner? Perhaps she hasn't taken to them.

Thank you, and yes, I will try and talk to her tomorrow, see if she says anything.

I told him to go collect his other children and then come back for our DD but he said that he doubted she would have calmed down and she was either going or not. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach incase she hasn't calmed down and is crying for me.

Pricivius

How are you preparing her for time with her dad? It can help hugely if you do some of the following to facilitate things:

- remind her through the day that she's seeing her sad later, so it doesn't come as a shock or an ambush.
- talk to her about time spent with dad, what she gets up to, seeing her half/step siblings.
- discuss things to take to show her dad, maybe a fairy cake you have baked together, a pasta/glitter picture or her new teddy bear/doll.
- choose an outfit together for her dad-time so she is comfortable and can tell him about her clothing choice.
- depending on the child, maybe tell her that you will be doing laundry/cleaning/paperwork whilst she's having fun with dad, just in case she thinks she's missing something.

*Robin*

Pricivius wrote: »

remind her through the day that she's seeing her Dad later, so it doesn't come as a shock or an ambush.

..But only if you are absolutely certain Dad will turn up - on time, OP!

ps. Have corrected your Freudian slip, Pricivius - rather apt, alas.

double_mummy

have you checked that there are no issues with the other kids such as your LO being excluded?

jackyann

would definitely talk to your DD, but be careful about "leading" a 3 year old, who wants to please whoever she's with!
I definitely agree that you need to meet up, talk, and encourage her dad to read up on child development - she is getting to an assertive stage.
This may be about reluctance to go, a desire to stay & see what mummy's doing; or it may be testing out where she stands in the relationship; and it might just be a combination with a bit of a strop!

Sadly, my experience of some non-resident parents is that they don't really understand about engaging the child. Unless they make a point of frequent contact and / or understanding child development, they often make basic mistakes. I knew one dad who used to take his daughter to a pub for the entirety of his contact and thought he was doing great because it was one of those child-friendly pubs and his mates & their kids were there!

Mojisola

Don't 3 year olds go through these phases anyway? Ours had spells of preferring one of us over the other parent. Not hard to handle when the family live together but very difficult when the parents are separated.

Also, at 3, they are starting to try to control their lives a bit. This could also be part of it.

It's a horrible situation to handle.