I'm in a terrible state of son being made homeless

cobbingstones

Dear all

I'm typing this in a terrible state due to my son being made homeless on Monday. I'm in Sweden with my dh and two of the younger children in a one bed flat whilst we try our damness to get out of debt.(our house is being rented out) My son 17 was in a good paid job and secured accommadation before we left. He then walked out of his job and spent the rent money. We sent him £500 which caused us alot of hardship in order to give him a month to get sorted with another job and save for the rest of his rent money. He decided to not bother with a job and now we have this awful situation.

We have no family that could have him due to lack of room and their own problems. He has been advised by connectioxs to go to social services and be placed in a B&B. These places are awful and its breaking my heart. He is very scared and angry and extremely immiture. My husband doesn't want him here due to the fact he nearly broke our marriage up with his stealing and lies before we left.

Feel so sad

mm

Zara33

Get in contact with shelter now this evening!!!

http://england.shelter.org.uk/advice/advice-136.cfm

cobbingstones

Thanks Zara. Just called but they specialise in rhe 25's and over.

MM

grey_lady

Hhhmm if you've seen my first attempt at answering this then ignore, i've just spotted that your worried about him going into emergency b&b - but he'll be ok - at least it's a roof over his head until he sorts himself out.

devils_advocate

Madsmum, you may not like this response, but I'm male,as is your son. He's 17, which is not greatly mature, but it's old enough for him to take responsibility for his own actions. You say he's angry - who with? Someone else for not helping him out? From the implications in your post, he's had the chance to get himself sorted out in the last month, but he's chucked in the job without having another source of income, hes spent the rent money you gave him on other things - is he taking responsibility for his own life?

What is he so scared about? Living in a social services run b&B may not be pleasant, but it won't kill him. It may be that he sees that life isn't easy and he's got to make an effort to get something better. The vast majority of jobs are boring (and all the other ones are too stressful!) and he should see that rather than moving from one boring job to another, he has to use the experience in that job to move to a slightly less boring one.

You're a mother. Of course you're worried about him, as it comes in the matenal job description. (My mother still wories about me, even though with our respective advanced ages, I worry more about her.) However, he does need to fly the nest at sometime, and this sounds like a good time for you to be able to say "I told you so". Done early enough , no lasting harm will come. but the longer its put off, the more difficult (and problematic for him) it becomes.




necessary for

Zara33

MM is this of any use?

http://england.shelter.org.uk/advice/advice-3952.cfm?r=adviceside

jopsey

Sometimes as hard as it feels and belive me I know through experiance with SS(19)you just have to let them get on with it even if it is only for a short time.
You couldn't have tried any harder to help your son ,and if he is anything like my SS ,they become to rely on it and IMO it isn't doing them any favours.

I know these BB's are not the nicest of place's but sometimes it take's something like this to 'wake' them up ,I do know what you are going through and it is a horrid situation ,but remember really he dosn't need to be in this situation he has choose to be in it , old saying choose your bed and lie in it .

I really hope I havn't offended you but we went on for a long time helping SS out ,after he walked from his job .

Until DP was knackered with all the extra work he took on to pay SS bills ,rent, ect while he was supposidly job hunting (playing video games) whilst not even having a current CV ,one day DP broke down at how tired he was ,I errupted I had had enough of watching DP took advantage of and said no more ...guess what in 2 weeks he had a job ,only part time in video shop but a job ,his SS is a good lad but like most teenager if he can get away with it he will ..

hope everything works out ok

cobbingstones

:mad:

devils_advocate wrote: »

Madsmum, you may not like this response, but I'm male,as is your son. He's 17, which is not greatly mature, but it's old enough for him to take responsibility for his own actions. You say he's angry - who with? Someone else for not helping him out? From the implications in your post, he's had the chance to get himself sorted out in the last month, but he's chucked in the job without having another source of income, hes spent the rent money you gave him on other things - is he taking responsibility for his own life?

What is he so scared about? Living in a social services run b&B may not be pleasant, but it won't kill him. It may be that he sees that life isn't easy and he's got to make an effort to get something better. The vast majority of jobs are boring (and all the other ones are too stressful!) and he should see that rather than moving from one boring job to another, he has to use the experience in that job to move to a slightly less boring one.

You're a mother. Of course you're worried about him, as it comes in the matenal job description. (My mother still wories about me, even though with our respective advanced ages, I worry more about her.) However, he does need to fly the nest at sometime, and this sounds like a good time for you to be able to say "I told you so". Done early enough , no lasting harm will come. but the longer its put off, the more difficult (and problematic for him) it becomes.




necessary for

Thanks DA you sound exactly like my husband. Yes, in many ways you are right, but he's a very young 17 year old that's why i'M so worried.

MM

silvercar

17 is terribly young to be fending for yourself. To find yourself homeless and jobless with your parents in another country must be very difficult. To get your act together to find a job within a few weeks is also hard, there are many, many university students taking holiday jobs at the moment which will make his search harder.

I wonder if social services would place him with a family? (as 17 is still a child).

LilMissEmmylou

i was fending for myself from 18 on. You left him in a position where he would be able to cope. He chose to get himself into this sticky situation and you helped him by giving him money, he again chose to stay in the sticky situation. personally id let him be places in b&b accom so he can appreciate the real world a bit more and pull his finger out to get a job again and back on the right track. Tough love and all that

foreign_correspondent

oh blimey, I do feel for you. I think we spoke before when you were deciding whether to go to sweden?

I have worked with young people in this situation, (I am a youth worker by profession, not doing it at the mo!) ok, he does have some legal rights but its a bit tricky between 16 and 18. He has done the right thing by talking to connexions first, his personal advisor should help him get in touch with the right people.

However, if he is ok with you doing so, making a phone call to his PA or the local council or social services might get the ball rolling. (sorry to say, sometimes it takes a bit of a push from a bolshy adult to get things into motion! when I say bolshy, be nice to them, they have a tricky job to do but dont feel afraid of demanding his rights are met)

have a look at these for more info on his rights:
http://www.clsdirect.org.uk/documents/advicenow_homeless_yp.pdf

http://england.shelter.org.uk/advice/advice-175.cfm

If he has to go into B&B accomodation, it might not be that bad..they vary a lot, if it is, he may have to grin and bear it or a fuss may need to be kicked up to get him moved..also as soon as his housing benefit comes through he should be able to look for a flat or lodgings.

This might be a real learning curve for him, but it will undoubtedly be daunting at times. He needs to know that he can take the lead in sorting things out, and that you can only do a limited amount of practical stuff from sweden, but that you will support him emotionally all the way, and that you have faith in him that he will come through it. Do keep in touch with him and let him have a moan and a grumble about the situation - sometimes young people dont want other people to solve their problems, but they do need a non- judgemental ear to have a good old moan to!!

Also, if his dad has had a tough time with him, now might be the time for his dad to bury the hatchet and give him a bit of emotional support - to be the bigger man in the situation, if tats possible at this point. (as in look, we cannot sort this out for you, but we understand it must be very tough...) Although this probably isnt a good time to say 'I told you so' - if this is likely its perhaps best to leave it for now!

Whereabouts in the country is he...? just incase I know of any local projects etc...

best of luck, feel free to pm me if you want any more info,

fc