Advice please - Divorce, kids, what to do?

Anguished

My best friends marriage is, I fear, nearly over and I'm trying to give him the right advice but really don't know where to start.

Background: They're both mid-40s and they have 4 kids aged 2, 5, 9 & 10, been married for about 8 years, together for 11 years in total. They've not been getting on for quite a while, he started a friendship with another woman which put into perspective how far his marriage had deteriorated etc etc. When I spoke to him last night he told me he had told the other woman it was over, she was ok with this and that he'd go back to his wife. While this next bit may seem a bit cynical, I have known him since we were 8 and (as he can't stop talking about the other woman) I'd put £100 on him leaving his wife for good within the next 4-8 weeks. She is unlikely to respond well to the break up and while she wants the marriage to work, it may well be very difficult, if not impossible, to communicate with her rationally if/when she accepts the marriage is over.

My question is: If the worse does happen and they split up, what happens? He earns very little, she does not work at all, any money they have is tied to the house (I'm guessing a 50% mortgage on it) they have virtually no savings.

I understand that the children should be the main priority and I suppose any advice would put them first. I have no kids myself and I don't know any friends who have been in this situation so I'm really struggling to know what he should do that will minimise the impact to everyone involved.

Things that are a 'given':

• yes he knows he's been an idiot
• yes he loves his kids more than anything
• no, I'm 99% sure relationship advice won't help them (but will suggest it if others strongly advise this)

Ultimately I'm looking at the worst case scenario of them breaking up and what/when/how to advise him/them on what steps to take next. Maybe someone has links to reliable information?

Any and all advice appreciated, thanks in advance.

Top_Girl

Honestly?

If he loves his kids more than anything, he would have tried his best at his marriage and then, and this is the crucial part, if he couldn't make it work, he'd have had the decency to leave her without forming other 'friendships' first.

If she's the primary carer, she will most likely keep the house and the children and will probably have to get a part time job to enable her to make ends meet whilst raising their children.

His nothing earnings are about to become a lot less, with child support on top of his living expenses.

pinkshoes

He should keep his d*ck in his pants and put his energy into saving his marriage rather that destroying it.

He chose to have 4 kids so should be doing everything he can to help provide for them, not screw their lives up because he fancied a change.

Anguished

Thanks Top Girl.

More info: She's never had a job before. She also is unable to cope with looking after the kids despite having no job (after the second child was born he has had to do all the housework, cooking etc). I'm not sure entirely why this is, he just told me that "the stress has always been too much for her".

Any ideas on places to go for advice would also be appreciated.

Free_Spirit_31

pinkshoes wrote: »

He should keep his d*ck in his pants and put his energy into saving his marriage rather that destroying it.

He chose to have 4 kids so should be doing everything he can to help provide for them, not screw their lives up because he fancied a change.

Pink Shoes too the words out of my mouth. He is going to have to get a better paid job because he is going to get heavily stung for CSA payments.

Gavin83

For 4 children he will be expected to pay 25% of his net income. It's also likely she'll keep the house until the youngest child is 18 but she'll need to be able to pay the mortgage, if she can't then the house might be sold.

Lily-Rose_3

You sure know a lot about this 'friend.'

He earns very little,

she does not work at all,

any money they have is tied to the house

he loves his kids more than anything

She's never had a job before.

She also is unable to cope with looking after the kids despite having no job (after the second child was born he has had to do all the housework, cooking etc). I'm not sure entirely why this is, he just told me that "the stress has always been too much for her".

How on earth do you know all this about this 'friend?'

jellie

Anguished wrote: »

They're both mid-40s and they have 4 kids aged 2, 5, 9 & 10

Anguished wrote: »

(after the second child was born he has had to do all the housework, cooking etc). I'm not sure entirely why this is, he just told me that "the stress has always been too much for her".

Not that stressed though, as it didn't stop them having 2 more children. So not only couldn't they afford to pay for them, their mother already knew that she wouldn't be able look after them properly herself. Lovely.

Anguished

Lily-Rose wrote: »

You sure know a lot about this 'friend.'

How on earth do you know all this about this 'friend?'

You could read my post, maybe it's explained there

Anguished

Thanks Gavin. It's unlikely she could work due to the kids, 25% probably won't cover the mortgage (I assume she can get some kind of benefits?) though I'm sure he'll pay more if needed. If they sold the house, would this make matters worse as she'd then need to find accomodation for all 5 of them? Sorry there's so many questions, but all practical advice is appreciated.

DUTR

Anguished wrote: »

Thanks Gavin. It's unlikely she could work due to the kids, 25% probably won't cover the mortgage (I assume she can get some kind of benefits?) though I'm sure he'll pay more if needed. If they sold the house, would this make matters worse as she'd then need to find accomodation for all 5 of them? Sorry there's so many questions, but all practical advice is appreciated.

Gavin did offer practical advice, other than it will be 19% gross now as opposed to the 25% net, but it's only slightly more in real terms , but still not enough to cover what he was contributing. Your friend has a big struggle ahead sadly