Advice please - Divorce, kids, what to do?

duchy

He'd better hope is wife forgives his "friendship" then?
A bloke who even after realizing his wife can't cope goes on to have a couple more kids , shags other women and won't get a decent job ........no wonder she is stressed !!! He sounds more like another child than a husband-she may be better off both emotionally and financially without him. As he has already cheated on her - she may not be so happy to have him back as he so fondly imagines. A woman may take a husband back .....and then realize she can't or doesn't want to forgive him - and asks him to leave. He appears to offer so little as a husband that this may be very likely to happen.

If you are his friend - be prepared for a rough ride ahead.

Incidentally if they are both mid forties and the eldest child is ten -are you sure the wife didn't work between the age of 16 and 35ish ? She may be more employable than you think !

Anguished

duchy wrote: »

If you are his friend - be prepared for a rough ride ahead.

Incidentally if they are both mid forties and the eldest child is ten -are you sure the wife didn't work between the age of 16 and 35ish ? She may be more employable than you think !

Thanks, she has 2 older children (who have left home) from a previous marriage and so she didn't work while raising them. She has done an OU degree recently so hopefully this will help her.

duchy

With a degree and the amount of support for single mums she's almost certainly better off without him. Doing an OU degree whilst raising kids is no picnic she obviously has a lot more going for her than her husband does.

Why has he gone back......he doesn't sound like much of a husband or a Dad as he's already deserted the family at least once. He ll be very fortunate if she forgives him. As a good friend perhaps you should be pointing that out to him?

RAS

One option might be that he stays with the kids if he has actaully done most of the caring andf she gets to start a career?

Anguished

duchy wrote: »

Why has he gone back......he doesn't sound like much of a husband or a Dad as he's already deserted the family at least once. He ll be very fortunate if she forgives him.

At the moment it's probably the thought of him losing access to his kids, I'm not aware of anything that's changed between them relationship wise, hence why I'm not hopeful about their future.

As a good friend perhaps you should be pointing that out to him?

I was the one that pointed out to him the consequences of straying in the first place (to no apparent avail). He's been an idiot I know, but then I'm starting to feel I'm more concerned about the impact of all this on his kids rather than on him. Anything I can do to steer him towards doing the best thing for them, I will.

Peter333

duchy wrote: »

He'd better hope is wife forgives his "friendship" then?
A bloke who even after realizing his wife can't cope goes on to have a couple more kids , shags other women and won't get a decent job ........no wonder she is stressed !!! He sounds more like another child than a husband-she may be better off both emotionally and financially without him. As he has already cheated on her - she may not be so happy to have him back as he so fondly imagines. A woman may take a husband back .....and then realize she can't or doesn't want to forgive him - and asks him to leave. He appears to offer so little as a husband that this may be very likely to happen.
!

:T Good post.

Lily-Rose wrote: »

You sure know a lot about this 'friend.'

He earns very little. she does not work at all. any money they have is tied to the house . he loves his kids more than anything . She's never had a job before.

She also is unable to cope with looking after the kids despite having no job (after the second child was born he has had to do all the housework, cooking etc). I'm not sure entirely why this is, he just told me that "the stress has always been too much for her".

How on earth do you know all this about this 'friend?'

:T Good point.

duchy

Anguished wrote: »

At the moment it's probably the thought of him losing access to his kids, I'm not aware of anything that's changed between them relationship wise, hence why I'm not hopeful about their future.



I was the one that pointed out to him the consequences of straying in the first place (to no apparent avail). He's been an idiot I know, but then I'm starting to feel I'm more concerned about the impact of all this on his kids rather than on him. Anything I can do to steer him towards doing the best thing for them, I will.

Well he didn't seem too bothered about his kids when it came to job hunting or cheating . If he doesn't give a stuff about his wife -which it certainly sounds like maybe you'd be better helping him to make it an amicable break so easier on the kids -and help him find a better job so he can have them for overnights.

Sounds like he isn't good with personal responsibility though-so he may not want help and instead just want someone to solve his probelems for him- You may or may not want to enable him rather than encourage him to man up.

Anguished

Peter333 wrote: »

:T Good point.

Someone else with poor comprehension skills? Can we make it a hat trick?

TBagpuss

I would suggest that he considers speaking to RELATE, and he may find it helpful to go himself, even if his wife is unwilling to go with him. They do make a charge but may offer subsidised sessions for those on low incomes.

If they do separate, then ideally, he should not move out until they have had a chance to look at financial options and work out what is affordable.

Longer term, if they do separate, the aim will be to sort out a financial settment which is fair to them both, taking into account all circumstances. The needs of the children are the highest priority, and one issue will be whether *either* party can afford to stay in the house.

If the childnre were to remain with mum, then the issue would be whether she could afford to stay in the house, so one thing to look at is what her finacial position would be under those circumstances - what benefits would she be entitled to, would she be able to claim Mortgage Interest Benefit, and if so, how soon and for how long?
How much child support would he pay? This would be based on his income, and could be up to 19% of his gross income. However, if he is on a low income, and/or the children regularly stay with him overnight, the amount would be lower.

If his wife cannot cope with the house and children then he may need to look at whether he would be looking to be the main carer if they separate, and he would need to look into his own financial position, eligibility for benefits etc.

he would not automatically be exected to pay the mrtgage and other bills to allow her to stay in he hosue with the childnre if he canot afford to do so and to rent somewhere himself, although he may be expected to do so o a short term basis while the oue is sold, if neither of them can afford to stay here.

I would suggest that he check out the 'Wikivorce' forum, his local 'relate' http://www.relate.org.uk/, and 'entitled to' http://www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/startcalc.aspx as well as the CSA calcuator.

Poppie68

I'm sure if the true comes out the mother has got along just fine with caring for her kids...caring for 4 children and doing an OU course is not a walk in the park and really how much caring,cleaning and cooking etc has your friend really done while he has been at work. Maybe he is stretching the truth(lots) and he has been doing a bit of cooking and tidying up after the evening onslaught while the mother has been doing her studying. She's most probably been studying to give them all a better life as you have already said he doesn't bring in much in the way of income, makes you wonder why she is so stressed!!!!!!