Struggling with life!

whendoeslifebegin

I wonder if anybody can offer any advice. I'm a middle aged married man with four children. I have a nice job, house and a car. I've got average debts which I'm trying to get down but I'm so sad.

I've been on anti depressants for about 5 years - a few different types but they don't work for me. I have so much to thank god for but I worry all the time - beyond worry. Sometimes I actually make myself sick. I am just expecting something terrible to happen all the time. Today it's one thing. Tomorrow will be another.

I see people getting on with their lives. People fighting cancer and genuinely having something to feel sad about and feel guilty that I feel so down.

At present I don't take any anti depressants and haven't since last year. I don't really want to rely on medication. I want to shake this dark cloud over me.

Anybody experienced this? I hide so much of this from my family. I want them to look up to their Dad but I feel like a Jeckyl and Hide.:(

cox377

Have you thought about joining a gym if you haven't already. I personally found exercise and getting in shape can help yourself feel great.

I've totally let it slip these days but I know in the back of my mind that I need to join again, to get that buzz.

whendoeslifebegin

cox377 wrote: »

Have you thought about joining a gym if you haven't already. I personally found exercise and getting in shape can help yourself feel great.

I've totally let it slip these days but I know in the back of my mind that I need to join again, to get that buzz.

I have been a member in the past and it is something I'd certainly consider again. To be honest I don't do a lot of exercise. Work gets in the way sometimes.

princeofpounds

I am just expecting something terrible to happen all the time. Today it's one thing. Tomorrow will be another.

Well, I'm glad you have the self-awareness to realise this is not logical patterns of thought.

It's pretty much the definition of medical depression. And yes, there are other people who share this challenge sometimes as you'll know from these boards if nowhere else.

There are probably many people on here who can advise you better than me, and they would probably start by suggesting you not rejecting medical help.

Just because a particular course or two of anti-depressants didn't result in a total cure doesn't mean there aren't more options out there. You might benefit more from psychological treatments, or different types of anti-depressant.

There is no shame in using prescribed drugs by the way. There is no nobility in struggling through the flu without paracetamol to lift the fever, and it's the same with this. The brain is an organ like any other.

The other thing I would suggest is the old advice to focus on what you can control, your behaviours, rather than what is harder to control, your moods. Often one of the main issues with depression is that the mind gets stuck in a repetitive cycle of self-analytical thought.

Just giving yourself enough of a bump to move out of that rut can be quite helpful. People have different strategies for this; exercise is probably one of the best, but there are others from art to gardening etc.

For example, if you used to like swimming when you were young but haven't done it for years, do it. Set a manageable but significant number of times and a duration, maybe three times a week for 6 weeks. Then just do it. Even if you're a bit off one day and just splash around a bit, it doesn't matter, the important thing is the change in routine, the change in mental pattern etc. Maybe take your kids once a week if making it social is more fun.

(Obv that's just an example; you should come up with your own ideas - do you have any?)

whendoeslifebegin

princeofpounds wrote: »

There is no shame in using prescribed drugs by the way. There is no nobility in struggling through the flu without paracetamol to lift the fever, and it's the same with this. The brain is an organ like any other.

It is exactly what the doctor said when I last saw her in December. She used the analogy of somebody with diabetes. Just like they need tablets to lead a normal life then so do others with mental health issues. I'm guessing that's what mine is.

I like the idea of exercise. I have tried to make my life busy around work and the kids so I don't have time to feel down but this often means feeling exhausted and being a nark. I then lie awake all night thinking how horrible I am and that they deserve so much more.

AliBee16

I would echo the advice about not rejecting medical help - even if some courses of medication haven't worked so far, you should keep going back to the doctor as the next one might. It could be that some of the talking therapies may help better. There is normally a waiting list but your doctor might suggest this. I know people who thought this wouldn't help but had to admit that it did.
I feel for you as someone who has suffered clinical depression myself. Everything is askew and black - but at least you have realised this isnt normal and have been prepared to get help. My doctor explained it that my brain chemicals had sort of got stuck 'on' when they didnt need to be any more. No amount of rationale was going to change that. It would be like trying to will yourself out of diabetes. Good luck, this depression will end - hopefully soon.
The advice about exercise is good too, as it is something that a lot of depressives use as a boost, if you can make yourself go

k3lvc

Been there, done that and still to some extent wearing the t-shirt.

Lessons I've learnt along the way

1. Work should not get in the way of life - depending on your role/level in the organisation then control your objectives within the working time available. Don't deal with work things outside work unless you're in a positive frame of mind and you choose to

2. Walk/cycle to/from work (or at least part of the journey) - it lets you get in refreshed and allows you a few mins downtime when you leave

3. Keep taking the tablets - I stopped (with Docs support) for 9 months but realised I'm better with them

4. If you've private healthcare then use it - after 10 years of paying in I got my moneys worth with the therapy I could access through them

5. The man/provider conundrum is a tough one - especially with kids involved. Would be great to walk away from the job and downsize everything but pride/responsibility/giving the kids the best opportunity often doesn't let that happen - I still haven't found a solution to that

Counting_Pennies_2

Have you tried Talking Therapies via the NHS. You can self refer. Try to google Talking Therapies and see if you can find the number for your area.


It is CBT based and lots of it is done on the phone, so you don't have to take loads of time out to attend an appointment. It is about worrying about worrying, and how to get a positive outlook on life. It is also free!


I echo the exercise advice.


Also have a look at your diet, everytime I have alcohol, sugar, caffeine (any stimulant) my mood spirals, one minute high, the next I need to be under a duvet. Try to avoid these items where possible to help keep an event mood.


It is also necessary to find time for you in amongst work, children, house and keeping everyone else happy. Each day you need to find something nice for you. Whatever small treat it might be. A sit in the park, relax in the garden, whatever it might be make sure you take time for you.


The symptoms you describe are perfectly normal for someone with stress/depression. The good thing is there are ways out of it, but you need to prioritise you a little bit more


Take care

lostinrates

I wrote a thread with a similar title a clue of months ago.

I never thought I'd say this, but the right medical help has been amazing. I have taken different antidepressants in the past for non mental health reasons. ( some are prescribed for physical reasons too) and hated how they made me feel at the same time, but this one , a different one I just feel like me. I'm still not 'happy' with the things that were getting me down because they are real things, but the spiral of thought that was clouding the issues is not present, so I feel that while I might be 'struggling with life' sometimes very recently into this experience , I'm not struggling with unhelpful extraneous depression on top of that. I'm laughing again.

hazyjo

Anything you've never quite got over or come to terms with from years ago?

As above - you need a good work/life balance.

I was in the process of buying my house when they told us one out of five of us would be made redundant. Once the initial panic wore off, it did briefly make me reconsider my options. I could have bought a cheap house on the coast, not tonnes smaller than what I've bought in London, and maybe work part time or full time on a low wage. I opted to stay as I am for now, but it has given me some future food for thought (thankfully one volunteered to take redundancy).

I was hoping a close friend of mine would slow down after having a tumour removed from her pancreas this year. Took quite a while to confirm it was (thankfully) benign. She has 3 kids and works far too hard. But she texted last week to say she's getting home between 8-9pm every day, then having dinner and doing housework, and, as someone left, she's now working 4 days instead of 3 and basically doing 3 people's jobs. Her husband works shifts and so they're not seeing each other as they're saving on childcare and having them alternately. They live in a large house, seem very comfortable and both have extremely well paid jobs. Looking from the outside, you do wonder if it's worth it. I'd move and give up work in her shoes, but then I'm not the one wearing them...

Sometimes when you're in that sort of job, you forget you have a choice. Do you really need to stay put and work hard? Could you find something less stressful or demanding? Does your OH work? Do you feel too much pressure and responsibility on your shoulders? My OH did and basically totally cracked up, full breakdown, and went to pieces. Went to some very dark places and it's taken decades for him to get back to a happy chilled place (although he's no longer working and has no major stress in his life other than a tonne of guilt and regret). His exes and friends really didn't give too hoops and just expected him to cope.

Don't let life pass you by. We all think we'll be here forever, and we all think we'll stay the same as we currently are. You won't be this 'young' and fit and agile for that long in the scale of things. Do try to enjoy the good healthy years while you can.

My sis has just been put on Citalopram (which my OH also takes). Are you giving pills time to kick in? Are you taking them regularly? Avoiding alcohol?

Good luck.

Jx

Nagme

I've been on anti depressants on and off for six years - I really notice a difference when I stop taking them. I would say to the OP that your dr is right, it's the same as diabetics needing insulin. Whn your body doesn't make the right chemicals you suffer. I have endogenoous depression (long term) and I'm quite open about it - I think it makes the subject more approachable. Along with that I have terrible anxiety, very frustrating and tiring!

Things I can say to the OP from my own experience:

• Talk about how you are feeling, you are NOT capable of being able to get through this on your own, and you need other peoples perspectives on things. It's great that you are already exploring answers/help by starting this thread.
• Take the dr's advice - they sadly see an awful lot of anxiety and depression cases.
• If you're up to it, do look into acupuncture. This was recommended in a book I read and I honestly feel it has helped me.
• Group therapy may or may not be right for you. Some find that they feel "dragged down" by other people's low moods.
• Go easy on yourself.

HTH