Elderly parent help please

sunnysurrey_2

Hi

My dad is 79 this year, has had 2 strokes, although physically able he has vascular dementia & psychosis. He has gone into independent living/residential care home after 5 months in a phsychiatric hospital.

He is difficult at the best of times for example his dentist won't see him unless accompanied which is where the problems are. None of his children live close by and are unable just to take him to (many) appointments. We have tried to get support from his care worker/social services & previously age concern. They either pass the buck or say it is the families responsibility to take him to various appts. He could also do with help budgeting/shopping etc
I was wondering what others do in this situation? Are there reputable companies that give this care that we can pay for?
Any advice would be appreciated
Many thanks

jaylee3

sunnysurrey wrote: »

Hi

My dad is 79 this year, has had 2 strokes, although physically able he has vascular dementia & psychosis. He has gone into independent living/residential care home after 5 months in a phsychiatric hospital.

He is difficult at the best of times for example his dentist won't see him unless accompanied which is where the problems are. None of his children live close by and are unable just to take him to (many) appointments. We have tried to get support from his care worker/social services & previously age concern. They either pass the buck or say it is the families responsibility to take him to various appts. He could also do with help budgeting/shopping etc
I was wondering what others do in this situation? Are there reputable companies that give this care that we can pay for?
Any advice would be appreciated
Many thanks

I'm sure there are. Maybe try ringing the doctors or hospital or community mental health team or social services...

I am sure they will be able to direct you to some help.

BucksLady

It might also be worth contacting Age UK, as they are able to offer good advice on a wide range of issues

jaylee3

Good idea Bucks Lady

Armchair23

It really isn't easy is it.

Firstly is your Father self-funding ? It sounds like he is, in which case it's down to him and the family to find and pay for any care he needs.

You might think that asking for advice from the 'professionals' is the obvious way to go, even if they have no obligation to fund and organise the services. I couldn't get any advice at all when my Mother was leaving hospital and having to move into assisted housing.
Her 'needs' seemed to be assessed very differently when it seemed as if the council & NHS may have to contribute.

As your Dad is living in an assisted living complex you can pretty much guarantee that other residents will be having carers visit on a daily or occasional basis. Can you ask any residents or their families if they use a service they can recommend ?

With both vascular dementia and a past history of psychosis you may find that his needs are seen as being too great for casual helpers.

Have you thought of speaking to MIND ? They may know of a local service that is sympathetic and skilled. I'd be VERY cautious of using anyone who isn't used to working with the Elderly Mentally Unwell. My MIL had Vascular Dementia and was Bipolar, to say she was a challenge was an understatement of epic proportions. She was in two residential homes who insisted they could deal with her diagnosis and both ended up ringing and insisting we remove her.

I'm sure your Father is nowhere near as difficult to deal with, but you will need someone who understands that any swearing, aggression or rudeness is part of his illness and know how to manage it with kindness and efficiency.

Best of luck, there are some very good services it's just finding them.

missbiggles1

How far away do you and your sibs live?

lifeisgood

sunnysurrey wrote: »

Hi

He has gone into independent living/residential care home after 5 months in a phsychiatric hospital.

None of his children live close by and are unable just to take him to (many) appointments. We have tried to get support from his care worker/social services & previously age concern. They either pass the buck or say it is the families responsibility to take him to various appts.

If your father has dementia, is unable to get out and has no emotional attachment to where he is living, then why not relocate him to somewhere closer to one or more of his family?

It will be less of a worry and you can all visit regularly and give help where needed.

Mr_Toad

Both my parents had/have dementia and there are loads of people you can turn to.

However, there is something you should be aware of when it comes to Social Services, they really are overworked and understaffed.

As a result they seem to have got into the habit of trying it on. They will often, as you say, pass the buck or try and tell you it is your responsibility.

They do it because a lot of people believe them and accept what they say and as a result end up doing their job for them.

They tried it with me and I told them no, that they have a duty of care and that would include ensuring dental health. Yes it's a pain to provide someone for appointments when you're short staffed but duty of care is all important.

You are not responsible, the person responsible is your father and because he is no longer capable due to his condition that responsibility passes to his carers, the clue is in the name.

My mother is in a care home and the care home staff take her to the dentist and they do it without complaint or trying to pass the buck.

Morglin

My mum was in a care home, with Dementia, and they are supposed to arrange and accompany residents for any medical, dental or optical care.

Stand firm with them - that is part of what they are paid to do.

Lin

margaretclare

Reading this, and other, sad stories here, I think how lucky I am.

Like the OP's Dad, I'll be 79 this year. DH is planning to take me for a weekend in Bruges (Brugge) for my birthday.

We recently came back from a long trip to Switzerland and back through France. It was part of our 'bucket list', seeing things together, places we wanted to see while we still can. He drove all the way. During our first night's stopover in France we met another couple, our age or maybe older, who were driving to Switzerland.

I don't get to drive because DH can only get into the driver's side of the car - his L leg is too stiff to get into the passenger seat. And we can't walk very far. And he's in constant pain - back and knee. He's actually more comfortable in a driving seat than anywhere because the seat supports his back. He copes with his Type 2 diabetes as he has done since 1981. But, that said...no one has to take us to the dentist, the optician, we go where we please. DH will be 80 at the end of the year.

If my first husband had survived - he died at 58 - he would have developed vascular dementia because he'd already started having strokes. I couldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

I am so sorry for people I hear and read about who are my age. And the problems that people write about. Should we spend our money - we might need it for 'care'? I asked DH if we could afford a weekend in Bruges so soon after Switzerland. His response: 'What are we saving it for?'

We are lucky. We know it is all coming to an end but we are determined to enjoy every little scrap of life while it lasts.

Now to look at what the wildlife camera has revealed overnight, and go back to learning German...

margaretclare

Ooops, maybe I'm getting forgetful. It was Italy the other couple were driving to, not Switzerland. We took the same route for part of the way.