Advise Please

Mykidsrcool

Hi all,

Really looking for some advise and help as feel like i am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

My ex-wife currently has our two children live with her (6 & 9) yet the children are insistent that they do not want to be there and want to live with me. They currently see me every other weekend and during the school holidays. I also get phone contact twice a week.

Recently i have been getting worried about my children due to them becoming very closed yet emotional and also my eldest has started wetting his bed at his mums.

There are times during the week when they will both call me in tears and begging me to pick them up. (I moved 60 miles away as their mother was using my house as a retreat when her violent boyfriends were after her).

I have since heard from a so called friend of hers that she has been verbally threatening my children and possibly leaving them home alone while she goes out as well as drinking a considerable amount of alcohol while at home with the children.

When ever i have tried to bring this up, so just gets her solicitor to send a letter denying everything and she is a very good liar. I have letters from her solicitor saying one thing and then another letter that says the complete opposite.

The house i have is big enough for the children and they have their own rooms, they have their own network of friends at mine and they also want to go to school at the local school where their new friends go.

The problem i have is i can not afford to be represented at court, i have been contacted by NSPCC regarding allegations about her and i have spoken to the Local Child Services team who are investigating. I have completed the C100 and C1a forms and am trying to raise the £215 required to submit these applications.

I am tempted that when the children are next with me to keep them with me, but have been advised that this could be seen as a bad thing to do as she has been the main carer for two years, but also i have been advised that taking them back to what could be considered a dangerous environment is also a bad thing.

I am so confused and dont know what to do for the best of my children.

Please can you help.

Mykidsrcool

The ex-wife has previously been reported to child services twice, who a i found out by letter only spoke to the school and not the children and did not take the matter further.

I am hoping that as this is the third time she has been reported, they actually do something .

ska_lover

If it were me, I would keep them with me - and face the consequences.

Based on the thought that if something bad were to happen due to their environment, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. I would not have left it this long if there are violent boyfriends and drinking issues??

I don't understand the advice you are being given as that this would be a bad idea because she has been the main carer - the children are not flourishing in her care, they are becoming emotionally damaged if they are crying to come to you

Wild horses wouldn't keep me away in this situation.

You need to man up and decide are you going to intervene? OR be a bystander to your children in a very unhappy childhood, which IMO makes you just as guilty as the Mother

Sorry to sound so harsh, but sounds like you have been watching this go on for years already!

You moved 60 miles away to emotionally detach yourself while you knew the mother was in a violent relationship to stop her using your house as a stop gap? That is seriously uncool behaviour on your part.

We can help you cut costs and save the £215- a lot of people on here are expert at that. post your incoming and outgoings and people will come up with suggestions how to save the cash

BitterAndTwisted

"I have since heard from a so called friend of hers that she has been verbally threatening my children and possibly leaving them home alone while she goes out as well as drinking a considerable amount of alcohol while at home with the children."

It looks quite simple to me. The next time she leaves them on their own you have your children phone you, you go there, pick them up and take them home with you.

whitewing

How are they phoning you in tears? Do they have their own mobiles? Is their mother there then?

kelpie35

I would contact your Social Work Department, tell them you are really worried about the safety of your children. Tell them you are going to take them to live with you to keep them safe until they can decide the safest place for them to stay.

I hope you get the help you need, take care.

NinjaSavingKat

If you keep them with you - you might get in trouble.

If you don't keep them with you - they will possibly be in trouble.

Somethings not right here and in the best interest of the children keep them with you.

I would.

Roxie

I suppose its not possible to rationally discuss this with your ex...... pointing out that you both want what is best for the children, and perhaps you sit down ask your children who they want to live with? Plus if they opted to live with you, she would have the freedom to go out whenever she wanted without worrying about childcare etc?

schwam66

Roxie wrote: »

I suppose its not possible to rationally discuss this with your ex...... pointing out that you both want what is best for the children, and perhaps you sit down ask your children who they want to live with? Plus if they opted to live with you, she would have the freedom to go out whenever she wanted without worrying about childcare etc?

yeah this would make the most sense, my guess is the ex wife is a real !!!!! and is just wanting them with her to get one over on the father.....shame...i really hope it works out and you can get them to be with you...

atrixblue.-MFR-.

This is a delicate balance between What is right and what is lawful.


A neighbor here had her child removed by the father of the child because she started on drugs and drinking and having weekend party benders, she called police because he refused to bring him home after his day to have him, the police went to his, and the decision the police felt was the right one as they left him in the care of his father (whilst she sobered up and dried out), she then had to go to court to get him back, SS are heavily involved there now after police referral against the mother, but the child is back with mum but the dad work long hours with little or no family help to mind the children and provide stability and lack of space for the child in his flat. mum did not impress the court at all with her behavior and mum is on a sticky wicket now and cant put a foot wrong or the child will go back to dad.


What I would do personally in this case is, when the children stay at yours, have a tape recorder ready record the calls and bring the subject of mums actions and behavior up with the children in a controlled and casual way and not putting words in their mouths, let it spill out naturally in their words when their staying with you.
Once your satisfied that the ex wife has neglected them and are in a unsafe enviroment, call your local SS (even out of hours emergency line if weekends) and tell them that you have their statements on record of the situation, that your intention is to not send the children back to that environment and that can they assist in helping you by coming and assessing them and help you in getting a emergency custody order (I would ask friends and family to loan you cash for this as this is the best way forward and pre warn your solicitor your going to be doing this and see if someone will be available at short notice to attend family court), or SS could get a emergency custody order the kids maybe placed in temporary foster care for a day or so if they are granted one but you must specify that you want custody to be released to you when they go back to court for a protection order against the mum.

DUTR

NinjaSavingKat wrote: »

If you keep them with you - you might get in trouble.

If you don't keep them with you - they will possibly be in trouble.

Somethings not right here and in the best interest of the children keep them with you.

I would.

If the OP has PR, then not a chance really unless he keeps them off school.

For the OP, I have an aquaintance who her youngest child was taken by the Father and over a time she had to fight to get access, over the time I had learnt that SS had been involved on more than one occasion, and the episode was much worse than the one you describe .
As some others have pointed out, do the right thing for your children and I don't buy into this brainwashing that a grown child is always best left with their mother.