Splitting up fairly and without bitterness

foolofbeans

My long-term relationship has come to an end. It has been rocky for some time now and OH has now decided that he would rather text another woman and not make any effort with our relationship.
I am feeling very bitter at the moment as it's still quite raw but I have to live with OH until I have served my notice at work.
I have no right to stay in OH's house and so I have to move in with family quite far away. I will not need any furniture or appliances apart from kids beds and our clothes.
A big problem is that separating seems to cost money! I will need to hire a van to move the beds and we will need to buy another car as we only have one to share. OH has kept tight hold of his bank card since he decided to split and so I have had no money apart from my part-time wages and child benefit, both of which get swallowed up with credit card repayments and phone and tv package.
Is it unreasonable to want to sell household appliances to give me some money to start again?
Some are still being paid for on credit so I would leave them but I do think it's unfair he gets a ready-to-go house and I have to beg family to help me out. I do have a lot of small stuff that I could maybe sell but with not much time to do it.
Our teenage child will stay with her dad so he needs to have a house for her still.
Also any advice on how to be civil when all I want to do is shout and scream and wail how he's broken my heart

Morglin

See a solicitor, and sort out your rights.

Free advice:
https://www.gov.uk/civil-legal-advice
http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/about_this_site/get_advice.htm


Good luck.

Lin

Confusedandneedhelp

foolofbeans wrote: »

My long-term relationship has come to an end. It has been rocky for some time now and OH has now decided that he would rather text another woman and not make any effort with our relationship.
I am feeling very bitter at the moment as it's still quite raw but I have to live with OH until I have served my notice at work.
I have no right to stay in OH's house and so I have to move in with family quite far away. I will not need any furniture or appliances apart from kids beds and our clothes.
A big problem is that separating seems to cost money! I will need to hire a van to move the beds and we will need to buy another car as we only have one to share. OH has kept tight hold of his bank card since he decided to split and so I have had no money apart from my part-time wages and child benefit, both of which get swallowed up with credit card repayments and phone and tv package.
Is it unreasonable to want to sell household appliances to give me some money to start again?
Some are still being paid for on credit so I would leave them but I do think it's unfair he gets a ready-to-go house and I have to beg family to help me out. I do have a lot of small stuff that I could maybe sell but with not much time to do it.
Our teenage child will stay with her dad so he needs to have a house for her still.
Also any advice on how to be civil when all I want to do is shout and scream and wail how he's broken my heart

Bit confused, but i think im right that you're not married?

But there is child(ren?) involved?

Would like to point out that, if you are both the parents, then do not assume that you automatically have custody of the kids (custody used for want of a longer explanation), whilst you say your teenage child will stay, im presuming there are more than one?

As for money, depends who owns the furniture, who paid for it?

You will be entitled to maintenance payments, if the children live with you.

Are you sure this is what you want? I mean dont get me wrong, hes acting like a pig, but would you want your relationship to work

foolofbeans

Thank you Morglin. Unfortunately I know I don't have any rights to the house as it belongs to OH's boss.
I would think I am entitled to a share of the furniture and appliances but I can't take them and wondered if it's unfair to sell them to get the money to move when one child will be staying in the house and still needs to be provided for?

ska_lover

If these are appliances that you have paid for together, you could offer to let him buy your half of them?

foolofbeans

Not married. 3 children involved, little ones stay with me and teenager wants to stay with dad. We are both happy with that arrangement and he works lots in an area with little or no childcare so couldn't have little ones even if he wanted to.
Everything has been bought together. Just lately we lived off his sole income with some input from my part-time work although previously I had a large sum of money which kept us going when he contributed little to the household.
We have agreed maintenance payments from him and from me for the children.
I will ask him if he is willing to pay for some of the appliances although I would not hold much hope of getting the money. We currently live payday to payday and when we split many years ago I received sporadic maintenance payments and only if I chased him for them.
I would be happy to work it out although I have been unhappy for some time. Looking back I can see he made very little effort and I guess now there is another option on the horizon he is jumping ship to grab onto it

Confusedandneedhelp

foolofbeans wrote: »

Not married. 3 children involved, little ones stay with me and teenager wants to stay with dad. We are both happy with that arrangement and he works lots in an area with little or no childcare so couldn't have little ones even if he wanted to.
Everything has been bought together. Just lately we lived off his sole income with some input from my part-time work although previously I had a large sum of money which kept us going when he contributed little to the household.
We have agreed maintenance payments from him and from me for the children.
I will ask him if he is willing to pay for some of the appliances although I would not hold much hope of getting the money. We currently live payday to payday and when we split many years ago I received sporadic maintenance payments and only if I chased him for them.
I would be happy to work it out although I have been unhappy for some time. Looking back I can see he made very little effort and I guess now there is another option on the horizon he is jumping ship to grab onto it

If you're unhappy, chances are he is too. Have you spoken to him about what it is you both want?

In general i think parents should stay together, but if your both unable to work through these issues then theres nothing that can be done. On the flip side, there are few issues which cant be worked through if both parties are committed to that.

ska_lover

Its a confusing one, that's for sure. If you are keeping two children, and he is keeping one - how the heck do you work out maintenance? would he be expected to pay for just one? (the extra child you are keeping?) and apologies for talking about children as if they may be commodities, without knowing names is difficult to word it

I'm interested in how these things work out

venetianlagoon

Good luck with this one, we split without any of those probs and it started out ok, but got ugly real quick. We are over the hump now and civil, but it was hard at the time.

foolofbeans

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

If you're unhappy, chances are he is too. Have you spoken to him about what it is you both want?
In general i think parents should stay together, but if your both unable to work through these issues then theres nothing that can be done. On the flip side, there are few issues which cant be worked through if both parties are committed to that.

Of course issues can be resolved if both parties are committed ....which does not appear to be the case here. We have been rocky for a while and I would end up exploding to get him to take notice which makes me look bad. Looking back I think it was clear he just didn't want to try and I didn't want to see that. Add a new woman on the horizon and the trust is gone which I think would be hard to ever get back.

foolofbeans

ska_lover wrote: »

Its a confusing one, that's for sure. If you are keeping two children, and he is keeping one - how the heck do you work out maintenance? would he be expected to pay for just one? (the extra child you are keeping?)

Yes he just pays for one. We worked out what he would pay via the CSA calculator and what I would pay and deduct one from the other and we have an amount we agreed to. Of course agreeing to and paying are two very different things :rotfl: