Feel so bad for my cousin, which I could help him (arranged marriage)

Mojisola

Grumpypoo wrote: »

I look at it like this.
1. Your parents want you to be happy.
2. Your parents know you well.
3. The girl/boy's parents want them to be happy.

Or they may be arranging the marriage for some of the reasons that marriages used to be arranged in the aristocracy here such as the bride's family is wealthy or the bride's family has good business connections that will be useful.

ManofLeisure_2

I think your cousin should make his stand and explain to his parents that this particular arrangement is not going to work. One of my Partners at work was in the same situation and actually married the girl his parents' had chosen for him. Less than two years later, she ran off with someone else. He then married again (another arranged marriage), and that failed as well.
He is now in a 'happy' relationship with a lady he chose to be with.

balletshoes

margaretclare wrote: »

The OP said that he 'doesn't particularly like' the girl he's to marry. In other words he wouldn't have chosen her for himself. So, therefore, yes, there must be pressure of some sort coming from somewhere.

I just can't imagine anyone, man or woman, going through a marriage with someone they 'don't particularly like'.

Does he know her well though OP? Do his parents know her (as in, have met with her more, known her longer) more than your cousin has?

I'm not sure, as this is an arranged marriage, that we know enough about the situation to say its being forced on him etc.

Bottom line is though, if he's not being forced, and he's agreed to an arranged marriage with this lady, he needs to discuss this with his parents and his future in-laws if he really feels like he can't go ahead with it. Sooner rather than later too.

meritaten

cant really advise as we know so little. is he really under so much pressure to wed? does he really dislike this woman? what would happen if he backed out now?
one thing I do know about arranged marraiges is that it is really bringing shame on a family if one party backs out. is that what is worrying him?

KxMx

I have an "admirer" who my Mum thinks the world of- in her eyes he ticks all the boxes, she has described him as " a mothers dream".

In my eyes, we are friends and the thought of anything more brings me out in a cold sweat, for loads of reasons!

I myself have learned that what you want for other people and think is best for them, may well actually turn out to be wrong for the person concerned.

I made the mistake of thinking I knew what was best for my brother, now he is doing everything opposite, and couldn't be happier, I have learned a lesson there for sure.

sharnad

KxMx wrote: »

I have an "admirer" who my Mum thinks the world of- in her eyes he ticks all the boxes, she has described him as " a mothers dream".

In my eyes, we are friends and the thought of anything more brings me out in a cold sweat, for loads of reasons!

I myself have learned that what you want for other people and think is best for them, may well actually turn out to be wrong for the person concerned.

I made the mistake of thinking I knew what was best for my brother, now he is doing everything opposite, and couldn't be happier, I have learned a lesson there for sure.

You never know whats best for another person as your not that person

Top_Girl

Grumpypoo wrote: »

This might go against the grain with most posts here but I actually think an arranged marriage can be a great thing. For the record. I am not from a background where arranged marriages are usual or anything like that.

Note- there is a big difference between arranged marriage and forced marriage - obviously I am against forced marriage.

I look at it like this.
1. Your parents want you to be happy.
2. Your parents know you well.
3. The girl/boy's parents want them to be happy.

I do not think marriage is a Hollywood story, but rather daily work, compromise and getting to know your partner (even after 20 years!). If both parties are committed and willing to work to build a happy life together I do not see why it can not be a happy marriage and love can grow.

I certainly think it is a better start than 'fancying' someone and rushing into a relationship when the only thing holding you together is so called 'chemistry'. When that inevitably fades you have nothing and a break up follows. (obviously not in every case but many)

Yes, British society pushes the message of 'how awful arranged marriage is' but I have seen a very happy marriage like this. Love is not a feeling, it's a choice. Her parents found out who had a son who was 'eligible' introduced her to about 10 guys. She agreed to marry one and three years later they are very happy and in love.


Your spouse is also not there to fulfill your every need, you can still have friends, hobbies etc to provide some companionship and shared interests.

Massive difference here though, between arranged marriage and forced marriage.

If you are happy to let your parent pick for you, happy with their choice and happy to marry the person, then fair play, crack on.

If you're not, then coercion and pressure come into it and you end up being forced to marry someone you don't want to, for different reasons.

It seems OP's cousin is in the second scenaro and I hope he can find a way out of it.

venetianlagoon

He is a guy, he is 30, if he works he has resources, so he has choices. He needs to make the choice that suits him not the parents. OP you can't help him until he reaches out and decides to help himself. Meet up, give him back up, and give him a place to run to.

1trainer1

I am a Muslim and know a lot of friends who have had arranged marriages ( Some Successful and some failed).


The big issue I have is the marriage of a first cousin and the second issue I have is the culture tells women to be submissive as in whatever the man says goes. Now this doesn't happen in every arranged marriage as there are a lot of equal relationships but it does happen in the main.


Now the final thing is if you not sure at the start don't ruin someone else's life by getting married to them just to please everyone as you need to go in 100% sure it is something you want otherwise years down the line you will become bitter and hate people who you loved

margaretclare

1trainer1 wrote: »

I am a Muslim and know a lot of friends who have had arranged marriages ( Some Successful and some failed).


The big issue I have is the marriage of a first cousin and the second issue I have is the culture tells women to be submissive as in whatever the man says goes. Now this doesn't happen in every arranged marriage as there are a lot of equal relationships but it does happen in the main.


Now the final thing is if you not sure at the start don't ruin someone else's life by getting married to them just to please everyone as you need to go in 100% sure it is something you want otherwise years down the line you will become bitter and hate people who you loved

Very well said. Couldn't agree more.

Just to respond to Grumpygrain, 'chemistry' doesn't always fade. Admittedly DH and I were older when we first got together, but we still have that chemistry 17 years down the line. And we have been through a lot together. Oh the nay-sayers in the beginning, warning me not to do it...I couldn't be more pleased that I didn't listen.

A bit of advice from DH, it's something he's always saying, something he included in his speech at our wedding reception. 'Trust and Respect are the most important in any relationship. Love is a bonus. But without trust and respect you have no relationship of any kind, not even a friendship, not even a business partnership'. Think about it.