Feel so bad for my cousin, which I could help him (arranged marriage)

roses

My cousin is male and 30 years old. He comes from a strict muslim family.

We lost touch 3 years ago when I got married to a non muslim and my relatives cut me out. I never spoke to them anyway so don't care. My parents love my husband and that's all that matters to me (that's a whole other story).

Anyway, my parents and I are not invited to the wedding. I keep in touch with my cousin via facebook and send each other messages regularly.

He's getting married in two weeks and he is really unhappy. It's an arrange marriage, he doesn't particularly like the girl and he's miserable. I feel so bad as he's a really good guy and we used to be very close.

Not really sure what I'm looking for by posting here. I really want to help him but he is under his parents control and won't stand up to them. He'll be miserable for the rest of his life because his parents are forcing their beliefs on him .

elsien

You probably can't do much unless he's willing to help himself, and I do realise how difficult that is, having seen a friend go through it.
Do his parents know how unhappy he is, or is he pretending to them that everything is ok.
If they know, have you seen the information on the forced marriage unit?
https://www.gov.uk/stop-forced-marriage
I don't know much about what they do in this country for people who aren't being forced to go abroad to get married, but if you phone them they may be able to point you or him in the direction of people to talk to who understand the difficulties he is facing, and to help him to clarify things in his own mind.

clarryd

Can he not just escape by collect all his belongings and leave before the wedding day, maybe he could live at your house or you parents house until he is settled. If the wider family do not speak to you anyway they will never guess that he could be with you. (I am assuming that he lives in the UK).

I understand that arranged marriages are common in some religions and faiths, but we live in the year 2014 and marriage should be his choice not anyone else's. You hear a lot about girl's being made to marry but you seldom hear anything about the male's being made to marry.

I would hope the groups that are there to help, deal with males as well as females.

Good Luck.

AnnieO1234

First thing I would do is arrange to meet up with your cousin ASAP. Then discuss face to face what is happening, and his reasons for seemingly going along with it. You don't want the potential risk of another family member eavesdropping.

How old is your cousin? Is the marriage due to take place abroad? Is it intended that the new couple will live abroad or back here?

Is your cousin feeling pressure due to personal risk? I'm not painting every Muslim with this brush, but obviously it is well documented more so against women, the real threat of violence and even death for disobeying family wishes.

Your cousin probably feels like he's in a no-win situation. If he gets married he'll go through hell and if he doesn't he'll go through hell. Does your cousin have strong religious values and beliefs about arranged marriage? If so , I'm sure he could talk with the imam (is that right? The pastor type person) about his fears and doubts which may alay some of his concerns.

If he is just going through with this because of family pressure the. He needs to get out of there and fast. Does he control his own money? Is he able to stall by saying his passport is missing?

I'm sure there must be some groups out there who deal with this, but the best thing for your cousin to do if he is genuinely afraid and needs to get away from all this would be to contact the local police. Just go to the station, they're possibly going to be more accustomed to women, but they will listen and be able to put him in touch with the right people.

Good luck! Xxx

Grumpypoo

This might go against the grain with most posts here but I actually think an arranged marriage can be a great thing. For the record. I am not from a background where arranged marriages are usual or anything like that.

Note- there is a big difference between arranged marriage and forced marriage - obviously I am against forced marriage.

I look at it like this.
1. Your parents want you to be happy.
2. Your parents know you well.
3. The girl/boy's parents want them to be happy.

I do not think marriage is a Hollywood story, but rather daily work, compromise and getting to know your partner (even after 20 years!). If both parties are committed and willing to work to build a happy life together I do not see why it can not be a happy marriage and love can grow.

I certainly think it is a better start than 'fancying' someone and rushing into a relationship when the only thing holding you together is so called 'chemistry'. When that inevitably fades you have nothing and a break up follows. (obviously not in every case but many)

Yes, British society pushes the message of 'how awful arranged marriage is' but I have seen a very happy marriage like this. Love is not a feeling, it's a choice. Her parents found out who had a son who was 'eligible' introduced her to about 10 guys. She agreed to marry one and three years later they are very happy and in love.


Your spouse is also not there to fulfill your every need, you can still have friends, hobbies etc to provide some companionship and shared interests.

BigAunty

Regretably, it is not your issue and you have limited influence. His lack of backbone is the reason for his potential lifetime of misery - he made his bed.

Errata

He's 30 years old and has free will. He doesn't have to enter into a forced marriage if he doesn't want to.
Send him the contact details of organisations local to him that support those who are being forced to marry against their will.

Marshmallow82

The OP says arranged, not forced.

elsien

If you're doing it because of psychological or emotional pressure from family, then it can still fall into the forced marriage category.

margaretclare

elsien wrote: »

If you're doing it because of psychological or emotional pressure from family, then it can still fall into the forced marriage category.

The OP said that he 'doesn't particularly like' the girl he's to marry. In other words he wouldn't have chosen her for himself. So, therefore, yes, there must be pressure of some sort coming from somewhere.

I just can't imagine anyone, man or woman, going through a marriage with someone they 'don't particularly like'.

Brighton_belle

Grumpypoo wrote: »

1. Your parents want you to be happy.
2. Your parents know you well.

I think that's a huge assumption that all parents are this wonderful.
Indeed in your own family - do your parents want you to be happy? If they did, would they be participating in the huge emotional blackmail you seem to be under re the unwanted guest you are enduring.