I Need To Ask

good_advice

Hiya. perhaps cut down the more costly outings.
Have some mummy days. Play in the back garden.

When your child gets older you will have to make some rules. Plenty of kids will want to come in your home. Parents will drop them off for a few hours free child care.
I finally set a rule of one visit only and when my child was not invited back they did not come again. Weekends.

In the week our house was always full of kids as I worked as a child minder for 15 years.

I found other peoples kids were always happy to stay for dinner. Had to put my foot down. My family only and up to table.
One of my children use to take her dinner to her bedroom and give it to her friend
No one minds you doing the donkey work and free food.
They will not do the same.

Teens, you will have 4/5 come in in the cold of winter to drink your tea and take over the tv. New rule = 1 friend in only each.
Lots of parents would not have other kids in the house.

Solstice_3

I have two children now but I only ever did the one toddler morning and not every week, I was painfully shy and went for my DS. I was very lucky in that a little group of mums took me under their wings and I found some friends with similar interests to me. We do the come to our house thing but we've only just started lol. We very rarely do coffee out with the children, or go to pay and play places. I much prefer to play at home, or at the play park with my children and just pop out every now and again to see other parents and children. My DS is now 3 in October and has a small group of friends he sees maybe once a week plus all the random children who play in the play park, he is a quite a sociable little boy. I was never too worried as I knew he would be starting playgroup when he turned 3 and would get all the socialising he needed there. Like someone else said go with your gut, spending quality time with your LO is not a bad thing

System

Must admit, I'm astounded how things have moved on since I had my kids.

These days kids are treated like 'mini gods'. They have to do everything and go everywhere. When my kids were little there was the brownies or the scouts and there were very few Moms and Tots groups (not as though I was a fan of them anyway).

No hoards of kids in my house. My house was my sanctuary and I had enough to do keeping my own 5 under control.

My kids must have been hard done to (but they had fun doing it).

MummyBobble

DD is now 16 and DS 13. When they were little we did Tumbletots weekly and the occasional softplay trip with friends (certainly couldn't afford every week!). By 3 years old they were going to pre-school and making new friends. I believe that they were spending enough time away from home, with me working part time and them going to pre-school, so there was no need to spend endless hours running round doing other activities. I still treasure the memories of rainy afternoons spent snuggled up on the sofa watching children's TV or baking cakes, feeding the ducks at the pond up the road, playing with playmobil and duplo, painting and colouring. Could you suggest to another mum going to the park with a picnic?

They have both grown up to be very sociable and responsible teenagers with their own circle of like-minded friends. Both enjoy just being at home, and are happy in their own company, but also have very busy social lives when they choose. Luckily for me, having grown up knowing that we have no money, they both happily accept that they can't have/do everything that some of their friends do so they appreciate what they do have all the more.

I still work part time and whenever I raise the question of me working longer hours so that we have more money they both always say that they'd rather have me at home. Your little boy will grow up appreciating the time you spend with him regardless of where you are. Children need time to do things at their own pace and not be constantly rushed around from one activity to the next. They need the time to explore and discover everything around them, DD particularly loved going food shopping! Time flies and before you know it he'll be going to school, make the most of the time you have now to do whatever feels right for you. Enjoy your time with him.

gayle1

hi im a mum that doesnt believe fun should cost money (dont do the playdates every week limit coffee to once a month find freestuff to do my boys do arts and crafts in a community centre on a tues and thurs diy classes on a saturday@b&q hubbys off next week will take them to the beach monday using the wee railcard thingy ill take a packed lunch buckets and spades and a blanket do not think for one minute that u need to keep up with the joneses cannea do do it dont ull feel better for saying no i cant this week what about the end of the month

carlamarie_2

It sounds to me like your doing too many activities with your lo.
I have three children and I have never done the play group thing. But when my elder two were smaller I had friends who had children of similar ages. We would meet up at a park maybe once a fortnight, take a picnic and the only cost was the bus fare and an icecream. We did this even when it was rainy, just dress the kids accordingly and take wellies. Doesn't matter that kids get wet and we would make a big thing of puddle jumping. Cold rainy weather is good for spotting insects too. If the weather was really bad we would go to the museums which are all free in my area and even from a young age the kids enjoyed it (the art gallery in our city has an area for dressing up, arts and crafts and other activities)
Once a month or so we would go to one or another's house.

Now my older two are at school and I have a three year old, I'll go once a week to the local park and there is always someone I recognise from school with younger children, meaning ds gets kids to play with and I get adult conversation.

Other than this, the rest of the time is spent at home baking, crafting, playing with toys, in the garden.

This works perfect for me. Gets me out of the house but also a lot of one on one time which I believe is the most important to a child's development.

I would suggest you try to arrange a big picnic at a local park. It sounds like there is a lot of mummies that you meet up with. I would text or ring all of them and say your trying to get a big group at the park. Tell everyone a day and time and to bring their own picnic. Hopefully a lot will show up (I expect a lot will be happy with a free day) and you may just find that asking everyone if they want to do the same the following week, they'll mostly agree.

PasturesNew

The fact is you will always encounter people who have more money than you, or people with the same money who prioritise different things, or people with the same money that have "extra money you don't know about" (e.g. maintenance, parents paying for things, cash in hand job, selling drugs....)

It's up to you to choose what you're prepared to pay for and whether you can afford to keep up with these Joneses.

You do your thing, let them do theirs and accept that you can't afford everything in the world. I bet your kid won't be the only one not going and others are saying "No". I bet half these mums were wishing they didn't have to pay for these things they think they "have to have" too..... but they're too scared not to be seen "living the dream".

As a child I never did any of the things in your list. We played in the garden, or in the garden of the kids in the street. Or we went to the local paddling pool (free) and sat on the grass; mum read a magazine and did her knitting while my sibling and I splashed in the water.

Why not "lead the way" occasionally.... e.g. it's coming up for conkering season soon, spend the next few weeks working out where the conker trees are, then "invite" all the mums/kids to "bring some sandwiches and squash and let's go conkering".

I also wonder if it's partly as a lot of houses are smaller these days ... no room for random mums/kid to drop by for coffee and play together. People don't want to drop in on others for fear of being dropped in on in their own tiny space.

[Deleted User]

I think that often young mums get pressurised into doing things that they A can't afford & B. haven't the time for.My DD brought up 5 children and finace's meant that 6 years ago she had to return to work.I took over childcare and now have four DGS whom I love and adore to care for before and after school and during the holidays.as I am their care in the holidays I usually say we have one day out (be it to the local park, or swimming Our council allows free swimming for under 13s and Granny's :):)) then one day at home On the at home days the boy can take it in turn to choose a friend round to play for the day.That way I only have one extra to cater for.Failing that they play in the garden or indoors while I get on with anything my DD needs doing.We also play board games and cards.My 10 year old grandson is pretty good at poker :):)One of the boys like chess so I will play with him.Sometimes we will go to the library and the boys find the books they want.Or just take the dogs for a walk.What ever we do we do all together (Although the eldest no having just finished his A levels gets to go out with his pals as long as I know where he is.DD hasn't the time anyway for ferrying the boys here and there so its down to me and if there is somewhere they really want to visit we make a day of it .I have an English Heritage card with all of the boys on it so we do quite a few castles and things.I look on my local area website In my case 'Whats on in Kent' and see what I can find to do with them.We don't do things that cost much cash and late August we shall be foraging for blackberries after returning from our family holiday.They boys all know how to make a cup of tea safely (first thing they learned when old enough :):)) and they can all cook simple meals Another good skill I taught them.I help them with their homework projects and to fix their bikes.My little tribe are a bit older than your little boy but they are fairly sociable and outgoing, they have more than enough socialising at school and sometimes one of them will just sit on the decking with me while I'm knitting and just chat away about what ever they want to.I am the listening ear that takes Mums place while she is away and anything they tell me in confidence stays with me and goes no further.I see children being rushed here and there to clubs and outings and think poor kids must be exhausted .So as another poster put it take your little one to the park/playground and take a small picnic and just chat to likeminded mums and stop falling into the trap of yummy mummys.Your child needs his Mum most of all at this exciting learning time in his life ,not stangers ,he also need some quiet time when Mum just has him on her lap for a cuddle and a story
JackieO xxx

savingqueen

Great post! My two are 7 and 10 now but I remember the early days well. I had not long moved to the area so no family or friends to socialise with so I joined local NCT, made a friend via netmums and went to local toddler groups as well as all the usual library, parks etc. I did far too much, spent too much (though did several free things) and neglected things at home, didn't shop around and cook from scratch much etc.

I did things differently with DS7 as had less time, energy and money! I am glad I got out and about as I am prone to depression and think I would have felt isolated and lonely without some company. However I wish I had chosen a better balance and weeded out the big spending friends earlier.

Nowadays I don't say yes to anything that we don't want to do or can't afford to do. I simply say we are busy, can't afford it or whatever. I do a lot more home cooking, shopping round etc to keep costs down and big days out are paid for by reward cards and/or for birthday treats. We spend a lot of time playing games together, going to the woods, beach parks etc, watching a movie (free of course) with homemade popcorn.

You will find more like-minded friends but it can take time and a little bravery. Can you try sites like mumsnet, netsmums etc and specify the sort of activities you would like to do, worth a go. Could you also try asking on MSE, long shot but worth a try? Go along to a free event like the library and ask parents/carers if they would like to meet up for a picnic the following week?

Both children have friends over but only some reciprocate with return invites. I want my children to socialise and cheaper to play at home but it still takes effort. I don't fuss as much now about trying in vain to create a showhome before they come and try and get all the kids to clear up (at least partly) before they leave. I also am going to start not offering meals to those who never reciprocate - I am not mean but on a budget. I have one child whom I feed and drop back home as parents don't drive. I will still drive the child back but just a bit earlier and provide cheap snacks and drinks.

I have a friend whose children go to tons of activities and they really can't afford to. They are always dashing about, eating makeshift dinners en route and the eldest child and mum don't have a good relationship. I think the child is crying out for some downtime, some time to chat and play at home. I have tried gentle suggestions to no avail but don't want to poke my nose in where it isn't wanted.

OP, you need to do what's best for you and your child - not what's best for others. Could you arrange a big monthly coffee morning, soft play or whatever and then the rest of the time do your own thing - free, cheap and at home. You don't have to choose one way or the other but get a better balance. I wish I had been wiser when mine were tiny!

ps sorry just skim read replies so apologies for repetition.

chirpychick

Thank you everyone, you have really helped me feel so much more at ease with the decision to pull back a bit.
We have commitments to a few this week. Which I am going to stick to because i'm not one for letting people down when I can help it. But the other days I am going to keep as "us" days and use the time to get back on top of the things I need to do and also have some fun with my little man.
It feels like a weight off my shoulders having made this decision.