I Need To Ask

chirpychick

I understand people might find me odd, but i'm struggling with the concept of something.

My little boy is nearly 19 months old and it feels like everyday there is something.

Toddler groups, invites to soft play, invites to swimming, playdates, library, coffee with people with children etc

Now don't get me wrong, we get invited to these things and it is nice to get out of the house but these things cost money and it's money I generally don't have.
If I turn people down then we tend to not get invited anymore which I can understand but what happened to staying home and getting household chores done and encouraging independent play or playing with our children?
My husband is 20 years older than me and yes he had a brother but his brother was a reader and hubby was outdoorsy so they didn't play together often but talking to my MIL they never went to all these activities, she said Tuesdays they played with a neighbours son. Soft play certainly wasn't even around when I was a kid and if something similar was around I know for sure that it would never have been a weekly thing!
I invite people to our house with their kids but we never get the invite returned, i.e last week i had 2 mums and their 2 children over to play and we had a picnic in the garden and played with water and things and then we get invited to go to the library and out for coffee. Library is fine i guess but I still have to drive there and pay petrol and coffee costs money too and ok it's not a lot but it's £5 i can't afford.
I feel like if I say no then my son will miss out.

I know that we can't return to the past, I know that there are benefits for living in 2014 (the internet and being able to learn from you lot for one!) but why do all these mums insist on doing things that cost money. Why can't we go back to "come over for a coffee and a natter whilst our kids get dirty in the back garden"?

Would it be so wrong of me to insist upon spending time at home to save money?

Will my son really miss out?

I am a stay at home mum but i'm exhausted! I'm struggling to find time to walk the dog, clean the car, keep up with the washing etc because i spend so much time sorting out my sons social life. And yet whilst we are out and about i keep thinking he is missing out, he is not learning to play at home, none of his toys ever get played with because we are never home for him to play with them. If we do stay home for a day he is so wound up and climbing the walls because he is always used to being on the go. Surely this isn't right?
I'm a first time mum, i'm willing to accept it's me that's the problem. It just seems to be this is the norm for people around here.

It's making me think it's not what I want.

Sorry for completely rambling.

Lilyplonk

I'm pretty certain that you're not the only Mum in the group who feels that way, chirpychick - you're just the first one to feel woman enough to tell US how you feel about it.

Are there any of the other mums who you feel comfortable close enough to to be able to raise the subject with ..................?

Please forgive me for this suggestion - it's honestly not meant to be rude, even if it might sound that way - but if you don't think that any of the others are 'like-minded enough' to want to reduce costs perhaps you'd feel better at home with a 'more down-to-earth group of mums' .

I'm sure there's lots of other young mums with a practical outlook on life who are looking for good company for themselves and their children .

chirpychick

Lilyplonk thank you so much for reassuring me that i'm not insane

I have broached the subject with one Mum who agreed with me but still hasn't returned the invite LOL! She has been to my house quite a few times after I simply explained that I couldn't afford coffee every week and as my house is very tiny I have also suggested she accompany us on a couple of walks which she has done but still no offers from her other than coffee or shopping trips

Another of the Mum's asked me for help regarding her finances which I gave willingly of course and having heard about her predicament felt I was able to explain my own situation and invite them round to play etc and do you know what happened? she started PAYING FOR US!! Which was totally not what i wanted, nor expected. Paid for my son to do toddler group, brought me coffee and cake and paid for us to do another activity, invited me out with the other mums of an evening and sent me a separate message saying if i couldn't afford it she would treat me! In fact after telling her on numerous occasions that it was ok and we would pay for ourselves I stopped going out with her for a while as i felt so mortified!

So I guess I've yet to meet any other like minded Mummy's and wondering if they do actually exist

pigpen

I don't do any of it.. I grew way too bored of toddler groups, and snooty mums, cliques and playground politics.. it is dull beyond belief!!

Don't go.. simples..


Thanks for the invite but I can't afford it this week, maybe next time!!

Thanks for the invite but I planned a quiet day at home with my boy and my ironing!


You don't have to be unpleasant, if these people are friends they will understand you aren't just chasing time out of the house.


I think you are insane doing all that stupid running about.. aren't you just exhausted?? .. what time do you spend with your child? What time do you spend on yourself? Do you know him and his likes? Stay home, read stories, play games and realise wearing yourself into the ground avoiding being in the house for whatever reason does not make your child any different to any other.. it doesn't make them more sociable or intelligent, they are what they are and at this age YOU are his greatest teacher, you are the one he will learn from!!

As someone who has been there done that and realised it is all pointless and dull.. so incredibly dull.. I had some nice conversations and a few experiences but I made no friends from it all.


Us 'like-minded' mummies are at home making playdough and knitting!! Pop round if you like.. I'll make you a free coffee

chirpychick

Pigpen

Thank you.

Personally, i'm not avoiding being at home. During the half terms when all the other Mummies have older children to tend to and all the groups are not on my son and I have so much fun building dens, doing baking, sending Grandma "postcards" just because it makes her smile etc.
But I have been concerned that as he is an only child with no young cousins or neighbours with children to play with that he might get lonely or withdrawn.

Your suggestions as to how to say "no thanks" are really very helpful.

Alchemilla

I wonder if people are avoiding having you to their houses because they feel self conscious about the state they are in?

This is not a comment in judgement since my house is chaos but some people do feel that way.

suzybloo

You do what you think is the best thing for your circumstances, it's very easy to get pulled into the social merry go round, that costs time and money. Have a look round your area for parks, children's free activities at the library etc. If you go regularly your wee boy will still have company of younger kids, and who knows once you have gone to a few things new friendships will develop, or some of the ones you have will come off the merry go round too. Chances are you don't get invited back to their houses as they are out that much they may not be on top of their housework ;-) enjoy your wee one in your own home that's where his memories will be of happy times playing with mummy rather than always on the go. The more he is at home the more content he will become compared to just now. You do what you feel is right, he will have plenty company at nursery and school when the time comes - and then you wish you could have him all to yourself again!

Eenymeeny

What an interesting post! I'm sure that there are other mothers who are thinking the same as you and there'll be people who can suggest a way to find them!
If it's any help I had to work part-time and resented the time spent at toddler group on my morning off when I'd rather have been at home with my son. (Pressure from others about him being an 'only one' and needing social contact) I went with my intuition and packed it in, (not really a comfortable with the 'chat with the other mums thing') He's now in his 30s, is a very sociable out- going chap with lots of confidence and friends. I'm still happy toddling around at home, and enjoy more social contact on here than in the 'real' world. It suits me, I've realized that I just dislike organized socialising.
Every one is different, just follow your intuition. Good luck!

GreyQueen

(((Chirpychick))))

I'll stand up first and say I'm not a Mum but I have shared a house with the parents of young children (2 different households, 5 children between them, from 11 down to newborn) and have been left pretty astounded by the whirligig of socialising and activities which is considered to be normal and desirable now, compared with my 1960s-1970s childhood.

Back then, young children were at home with SAHMs in most cases, and you didn't go out much. Small children played under parental supervision, there might occasionally be a playgroup once a week but not much else. Older children played together, initially in one of the parents' gardens, then ranging further afield in little groups.

You certainly weren't hovered over and constantly-stimulated by an endless merry-ground of activities. I'm sure I've seen stuff in the media about how this isn't actually developmentally healthy for a child anyway, how youngsters need time to daydream and just 'be' without someone rushing them hither and yon to do stuff.

There's stuff you can do to get out of the house when you want to, there's often free storytimes at libraries, free stuff in parks, walks, feeding the ducks, stuff like that. If you go low key, you may well find other Mums who do likewise and form friendships with likeminded souls. HTH.

atolaas

I help out at a Baby Bounce and Rhyme group at my local library. There are 2 different "types" of parents there. Those who are there for the social experience and the chance to talk to other parents and those who feel obilgated to be there to help their child's development. If you enjoy spending time at home with your child then do so. It's "nice" to have others over but you shouldn't feel obilgated to. As much as I enjoy the group that I help out with I know its not for everyone and you shouldn't feel pressured into doing activities for the sake of your child. I'm sure you'll be able to find a compromise. Good luck xx

NaughtySpot

My son is now 4y old and I didn't do it! And he is fine :rotfl:

I went back to work when he was 9 months old, so I was never that bothered because I wanted to make the most of him. I was pressured by the health visitors so much about going though, with one of them expressing concern about my mental health if I never went out. I did go out, we walked the dog every day, went to the park etc, but on our terms when it suited us. We never had the money to do all these things anyway.

I did the netmums "meet a mum" a couple of times, and they were the two most dull afternoons of my life! I had nothing to talk about with these women, and the children are too young to play with others anyway.

I have no regrets at all about doing it, do what is right for your situation.

I agree with the other poster about others not returning the invite to their house, I think some are bothered about the state of their home, and I also think the other extreme is that they are totally OCD about tidiness and don't want their home messed up. Little bodies make mess! I have a friend who I know won't come to my home because of the mess and the dog, from a hygiene perspective, and that's fine. :A