Help! what would you do?

kerrydan

Hi all, I just need some advise please. I have been with my partner for 6 years nearly. He has twin boys of nearly 22 who have been back and forth to college.. My partner, as part of his divorce agreed to pay the mortgage until the end of senior education when the house would be put on the market and he would pay until it was sold. They had both got chucked out of college but because they went back before 19 he had to start paying again. They have both just completed a first year again at college and want to return for another year then go onto uni.
The ex wife has just said to my partner that she can not afford the deposit and to pay all the ongoing rent for a property and she could move in with her partner if she wanted and leave the lads to fend for themselves. The house is due to exchange in the next couple of weeks and she has just dropped this bombshell.
My partner has been really good to her over the last nine years financially and give well more than he had to however he was abused by his father and feels guilt if he does not give them everything. I think she is trying to emotionally blackmail him. I have just found out that One of his sons has been emotionally blackmailing him for about £300.00 per month for the last few years saying he is going to commit suicide if he has no money. (His brother committed suicide). We were going to buy a house with a small mortgage from my partner however if she does not allow the sale he is still liable to pay for her mortgage. I can buy on my own but it leaves me skint and he keeps me as I have been ill this last year. I have said to tell he that he will lend the money for the rental property deposit but he will not keep paying monthly. One of the boys can not be arsed working even part time and the other one works part time but is thinking about giving it up so he does not have to pay college fees. Ex wife has got herself in serious debt through stupid pay day loans she earns a good wage and has only got herself to blame. Advice please. Thank you

egoode

For his ex-wife I wouldn't give her anything. She has a new partner and is no longer his responsibility. As for his kids a bit of tough love might be required to help then stand on their own two feet and if they threaten to commit suicide (and given the family history what a terrible thing to do) then tell them you will call mental health services and get them some help if they feel they are unable to cope. It sounds to me like you don't believe they really will commit suicide.

BigAunty

Family counselling? There is the matter of suicide so perhaps it will help him to move on if there is a professional counsellour helping them to discuss their issues and relationships and assisting the youngster to cope with life. (you don't need to pitch this as a financial or blackmailing issue but as something that a mediator could help them resolve or come to terms with, giving the son better emotional resilience).

EDIT - individual counselling for the affected boy? Tell your partner that £300 could provide half a dozen or so professional therapy sessions to improve his mental health rather than a direct debit of £300 which makes your partner feel better for donating it but won't guarantee that his son gets the help that he needs to improve his emotional state.

Your partner also needs to seek legal advice about his options for a proper financial settlement. Again, you don't need to pitch this as protection against exploitation but a way for him to understand her rights and his obligations, for example, and drawing a formal line under financial arrangements that suits all (some solicitors offer mediation services, it doesn't have to be combatative but perhaps will if she's got him over a barrel and prefers it this way).

kerrydan

Thank you for your replies. It was his mother that actually told me that her son was manipulating his father out of money by using his brothers suicide and he had done this from early teens. I do think he gets down a bit and have told him to go and see the doctor if he feels down however he is so money orientated and does not seem to want to work that I know it's about the money. I have now put a stop to this and my partner is relieved I found out.
I think if the ex does pull out of the sale my partner will have to go and seek legal advise even if he does feel guilty. Thank you

RAS

Was there a proper court approved financial settlement as part of the divorce?

What does it say?

BigAunty

I assume it's a jointly owned property? Unfortunately if she is a joint owner and she won't consent to a sale, then your partner is forced to get a court order which could be a long-winded and expensive process. Perhaps the housing forum members could give an idea of cost and timescales for this?

kerrydan

Hi yes, the property is jointly owned and this was the financial settlement. My partner stupidly agreed to pay the mortgage until the house is sold and because of all her debts she has accrued the financial incentive is not there for her to sell as she will be going into rented accommodation. If she does pull out at least we will have proof for the courts.

BigAunty

kerrydan wrote: »

Hi yes, the property is jointly owned and this was the financial settlement. My partner stupidly agreed to pay the mortgage until the house is sold and because of all her debts she has accrued the financial incentive is not there for her to sell as she will be going into rented accommodation. If she does pull out at least we will have proof for the courts.

Informal financial settlement or one that was formally drawn up by solicitors or has other firm proof of their decision?

I'm not sure the court needs 'proof' such as a withdrawal from a sale in order to force one in the future. Ask on the housing forum about the process to get an idea of cost and timescales.

He should see a solicitor now to understand his options - perhaps a stiff letter from a solicitor that indicates that the court will inevitably grant the order and she will be taken to court to enforce her liability for any costs involved (legal fees, lost conveyancing and estate agent fees, continuing cost of the mortgage etc) might make her knuckle down and cooperate with the sale?

Has your partner got any influence over her and could persuade her to seek professional advice about her debts with a debt charity that could get her debts either written off or reduced to token sums?

To be honest, she's used to being subbed and has no incentive to move, is probably comfy there so could be hard to shift.

Is he contemplating stopping paying the mortgage to try and flush her out through its prospective repossession? Very risky strategy that could backfire on him on a number of fronts, can't be done lightly.

Is the property on the market? It's probably a better strategy to get her to move out first many buyers are deterred when the sale is as a result of a relationship breakdown by joint owners as they are notorious for unravelling when one refuses to consent.

kerrydan

BigAunty wrote: »

Informal financial settlement or one that was formally drawn up by solicitors or has other firm proof of their decision?

I'm not sure the court needs 'proof' such as a withdrawal from a sale in order to force one in the future. Ask on the housing forum about the process to get an idea of cost and timescales.

He should see a solicitor now to understand his options - perhaps a stiff letter from a solicitor that indicates that the court will inevitably grant the order and she will be taken to court to enforce her liability for any costs involved (legal fees, lost conveyancing and estate agent fees, continuing cost of the mortgage etc) might make her knuckle down and cooperate with the sale?

Has your partner got any influence over her and could persuade her to seek professional advice about her debts with a debt charity that could get her debts either written off or reduced to token sums?

To be honest, she's used to being subbed and has no incentive to move, is probably comfy there so could be hard to shift.

Is he contemplating stopping paying the mortgage to try and flush her out through its prospective repossession? Very risky strategy that could backfire on him on a number of fronts, can't be done lightly.

Is the property on the market? It's probably a better strategy to get her to move out first many buyers are deterred when the sale is as a result of a relationship breakdown by joint owners as they are notorious for unravelling when one refuses to consent.

It was a formal financial agreement through a solicitor and yes the house is up for sale and the buyers are wanting to complete in a couple of weeks. My partner took on all her debts after the divorce and even paid her solicitors bill some 9 years ago and he is now debt free so it is extremely annoying that she is expecting him to continue supporting them all.
I just don't know how strong his case will be as the lads are still in education even though they should have finished by now.

Beckyy

It doesn't sound like he'd get a penny back if he agreed to 'lend' her money for a deposit. He needs to seek legal advice from his solicitor on where he stands with it all and what he can do now.

The ex isn't his problem, and stopped being it when he signed the divorce papers. The children are the only reason he's been providing financial support and at 22 they are more than capable of standing on their own two feet, I think it would have been reasonable to stop support when they were thrown out of college.

I would look into counselling for the son who has threatened suicide, and also your OH if you feel that he might benefit from having a 3rd party to talk to about it all.

RAS

kerrydan wrote: »

I just don't know how strong his case will be as the lads are still in education even though they should have finished by now.

Unless it specified that he would support them until the end of university education the normal expectation would be support until they were 20 (which is when CSA ceased to be paid under the old rules) Support until the end of the academic year when they were 20 might be on the cards.

She has NO incentive to leave and presumably hopes that since he needs to sell up she can negoitate a higher percentage of the house sale in order to get her agreement to go?

What percentage split is in the financial settlement?