Ex-husband has died

patacake58

venetianlagoon wrote: »

I see many folk in end of life situations and it is never easy, whatever has gone before, it is usually hard to let go. Go with your gut.

Yes i would have to agree with this post OP.
Always go with your gut feeling.
Hope the day goes as well as it can for you and your son if you both decide to go x

Rooibos

OP - Your post could be me writing! My abusive controlling ex- husband died a few weeks ago from an alcohol related heart condition. My/our son is 15.

I really wish you well - it's a confusing time, isn't it? When we split up 2 years ago I didn't grieve for the marriage as I had too much to do with moving house twice (he kept the family home) and taking care of my son. I grieved when he died though, mixed up with feeling angry too, because of what he did to us. A few weeks on my son seems ok, he seems settled now. Obviously it was a shock for him at the time but now, only a few weeks on, doesn't seem to give much thought to his dad. Of course I'm sure he does, but in his own way.

You say your ex lived alone so I guess he hadn't remarried? Did he write a will? Are there any other children? Sorry to ask all these questions so early on in your grieving but if he died intestate and there's only your son then, in law, matters are going to be up to you, as your son's parent, to sort.

I'm currently in the process of clearing out belongings and selling ex's house. Yep the one which had been the family home for 23 years! Legally, I've to do it as I'm my son's mother which has not gone down well with ex's family. Divorce does not remove your parental responsibility and the legal implications that come with that.

You take of yourself and your boy, he is your priority and don't let anyone tell you he isn't. x

Froglet

After a very abusive marriage and having to leave and go into hiding just to get away,I still bore the scars for a long time and was always terrified he would find me.


The day I sat in front of my computer looking at the BMD site ,and not even knowing why i was looking I found out he had died two years earlier.I sat and howled.With relief that I finally felt free.


No one can say how you should feel.Everyone is different and some are more forgiving than others might be.Until you have been truly down as far as it is possible to go,and have to go through counselling because you have lost so many precious years,it is hard to understand why you are glad that person has died.And if that sounds horrible,believe you me,what he put me through was just that.

notechno

Thank you all for your kind replies. It's taken me so long to update the thread, as the funeral didn't take place until Tuesday this week.

My son didn't attend the funeral. From the start, he'd said he wasn't going, did change his mind for a brief time, then went back to being adamant he wouldn't go. I talked it all through with him fully, not to change his mind as I respected his choice, but just to make sure he was fully aware of the implications of his decision.

I'm glad I went to the funeral, it's as if a line has now been drawn under everything. His family were very welcoming, which you can't always be sure of after divorce etc. The daft thing is, even though he was an absolute sh*t, everyone outside his immediate family adored him. The church and crem were packed, with people having to stand up at the back, and grown men in bits. Just shows how different a pub persona is to the version we saw indoors.

My family still haven't raised the issue. Prior to the funeral I dropped little bits into conversation with them, but they didn't even respond, other than an 'Oh, right'. I don't blame them at all for not bothering about my ex, I guess I just would have liked them to check up on my son and me. (I am ok, now, but I wasn't ok the first few days after he died, and I certainly wasn't ok at the funeral). I won't let it come between us, he's really not worth it, but when a bit more time has passed I will bring it up with them, if only so it doesn't fester.

Morglin

notechno wrote: »

My ex-husband died on Friday. He'd been poorly for a couple of yrs, he'd had heart attacks and a triple bypass. He was in hospital until Weds, waiting to hear about another bypass, but was told it would be too risky and he came home. He died on his own on the bathroom floor (he lived alone).
He was abusive, controlling, violent and a waste of space as a father (my son is 16). My son decided three yrs ago that he longer wanted to see him, after his Dad sent him a text calling me a f****** c***. I tried in the last few wks to get my son to see his Dad, knowing the end was probably near, but he was adamant he wouldn't see him, and I respect his choice.
I went to see him in hosp on Monday. It was the first time I'd seen him in almost 3 yrs. I no longer hated him for everything he'd done, if anything I felt very sorry for him. He said he knew he was a ticking timebomb, and it could only be a matter of time.
I will be going to the funeral. My son is still considering whether to go or not, and I've said I fully respect whatever decision he makes. I rang my parents on Friday evening to tell them he had died, and even though he was an absolute sh*t I think I expected better from them. They consider us to be a close family, but they haven't been in touch since to ask how my son is. For the record, he's fine. I'm just pretty annoyed that it doesn't seem to matter to them at all that my son's father, for all his faults, has died. Maybe I'm just emotional at the moment. I'm certainly surprised by the intensity of my feeling surrounding his death. It's definitely true that however much you think you're prepared for something like this, it's still a bl**dy big shock.
I don't actually know what I'm asking (if anything!) here, I probably just needed to get it off my chest

I think this is quite common, as a friend lost her (nasty) ex, and was astonished by the grief she felt, even though she was happily remarried.

I suppose it just brings back the original feelings.

Lin

ska_lover

Don't be angry with your family

Your ex was violent and abusive and you had been estranged from him for years - they likely do not realise how upset you are, I think.

pickledonionspaceraider

My ex was a violent bully, who ended up with a lengthy prison sentence for violence towards myself.

When he passed away I didn't attend his funeral. His family seemed rather shocked that I wouldn't want to attend.

GobbledyGook

What your family haven't realised is that you are also grieving, as you probably did at the time of your divorce, for the man you thought he was.

My father died last year. I was adamant I was having nothing to do with it. I ended up having to organise a basic funeral for him as no-one else in his family would. I was bewildered by the turn out he got and especially by the friends who talked so warmly about him.

The next day I was in pieces. The counsellor I spoke too helped me realise that I was grieving for what should/could have been. For the Dad I should have had rather than the father I got. Your son may experience this at some point as well.

DKLS

I admire your mature stance, when my ex died I bought a large bottle of fizz went out for the night and when "our tune"was played by the Dj, I leapt on the dance floor and danced my arris off for the rest of the night.

paddy's_mum

GobbledyGook wrote: »

helped me realise that I was grieving for what should/could have been. For the Dad I should have had rather than the father I got

This is spot on, in my view.

I believe that someone can actively mourn for the end of hope, for the willful murder of love and affection, and above all, grieve for the destruction of their dreams.

Your son sounds a lovely lad. I wish both of you all the best for the future.