Ex-husband has died

notechno

My ex-husband died on Friday. He'd been poorly for a couple of yrs, he'd had heart attacks and a triple bypass. He was in hospital until Weds, waiting to hear about another bypass, but was told it would be too risky and he came home. He died on his own on the bathroom floor (he lived alone).
He was abusive, controlling, violent and a waste of space as a father (my son is 16). My son decided three yrs ago that he longer wanted to see him, after his Dad sent him a text calling me a f****** c***. I tried in the last few wks to get my son to see his Dad, knowing the end was probably near, but he was adamant he wouldn't see him, and I respect his choice.
I went to see him in hosp on Monday. It was the first time I'd seen him in almost 3 yrs. I no longer hated him for everything he'd done, if anything I felt very sorry for him. He said he knew he was a ticking timebomb, and it could only be a matter of time.
I will be going to the funeral. My son is still considering whether to go or not, and I've said I fully respect whatever decision he makes. I rang my parents on Friday evening to tell them he had died, and even though he was an absolute sh*t I think I expected better from them. They consider us to be a close family, but they haven't been in touch since to ask how my son is. For the record, he's fine. I'm just pretty annoyed that it doesn't seem to matter to them at all that my son's father, for all his faults, has died. Maybe I'm just emotional at the moment. I'm certainly surprised by the intensity of my feeling surrounding his death. It's definitely true that however much you think you're prepared for something like this, it's still a bl**dy big shock.
I don't actually know what I'm asking (if anything!) here, I probably just needed to get it off my chest

silvercar

For someone who was a significant part of your life, his loss is bound to cause a strain. Be kind to yourself. And for your son, whatever the relationship was like, he has lost his father at the age of 16. Very difficult time for him too.

Some people may not know how you will react and avoid mentioning it to you for fear of saying the wrong thing.

Mojisola

notechno wrote: »

He was abusive, controlling, violent and a waste of space as a father (my son is 16).

My son decided three yrs ago that he longer wanted to see him, after his Dad sent him a text calling me a f****** c***.

I rang my parents on Friday evening to tell them he had died, and even though he was an absolute sh*t I think I expected better from them. They consider us to be a close family, but they haven't been in touch since to ask how my son is.

Given that history, they probably don't think your son would be that upset.

meer53

My ex has just been diagnosed with a brain tumour. Our son (he's 27) hadn't spoken to him for about 18 months due to my ex being his usual arsey self and my son really had no time for him before. Since the diagnosis, i've chatted to my son and he decided that he would rebuild the bridges with him and they are now speaking again. It's still not as it should be but i'm so glad he made that decision. I feel for you and your son and hope you manage to help your son cope with whatever decision he makes about the funeral.

Person_one

silvercar wrote: »

Some people may not know how you will react and avoid mentioning it to you for fear of saying the wrong thing.

I think given the history and the complexity of the relationships, this is even more likely to be the case than usual. There's no card, no standard response for the death of a relative's abusive and violent ex husband. Nearly everybody would find it difficult to find the right words.

OP, if you or son want some support or to talk about things, you may need to be more forthright in asking for that. I'm sure you're doing a wonderful job of supporting each other though. I'm sorry for all you've both been through.

savingmummy

Noone knows how they will react until it happens.
People assume because of the past it will not be a big deal or won`t matter, for some it don`t but to others it does.


He was the father of your son and although you split on bad terms he was part of your life. Its a shame your parents didn't show any support over the phone or since the call.
Maybe they will if they feel you both need support? maybe speak to them about how your feeling it could be they are `assuming` you don`t care at all.

Aldeney

My father left us when I was about 4 and has had very little to do with me in my life (I'm 42.) He is neither a good father, husband or human being for that matter and his behaviour has left me with psychological problems. I discussed with my husband how I would feel when he dies and, while I can't know for sure until it happens, I don't think I would be upset just angry of what might have been had he been a better dad.

So even though your ex was a bad father and husband there are still emotions to deal with when a death in the family occurs and I'm glad your son has such a lovely Mum to support him through it.

meritaten

You loved him at one time - you made a son together, he MUST have had some good points. I can understand how you feel. your son may well go with you to the funeral if you ask him to be there for YOU, not his father. Funerals are for the living - to say their last goodbyes- your sons may be 'good riddance' - but its more complex for you. at least you have seen him in person and seem to be at peace with each other?
even if your son doesn't go - it makes no difference to his father - he is gone now.

marisco_2

Your ex was a significant part of your life for many years and you shared a child together. Despite all that went on, I think it is only natural that you will feel shock, and a level of grief at his passing. I am very sorry for all you are going through. I hope that yourself and your son will receive all the love and support that you need. Maybe have a chat with your parents, and explain to them how you are feeling if that may help you.

duchy

No matter how badly a relationship ended -at one point you loved them enough to marry them and or have a child with them-so their death is going to stir up old feelings even if it is only sadness for "what it might have been if things had being different" either for you or for the child.

venetianlagoon

I see many folk in end of life situations and it is never easy, whatever has gone before, it is usually hard to let go. Go with your gut.