New relationship advice needed

happilydivorcedagain

Hi guys,

Not been on MSE for ages and now find myself in need of some advice, who do I turn to but you wise people!

I'll keep it as short as possible. I'm 32, feel my life is slipping by too fast and want kids so much. I have some fertility problems so after my divorce I had thought of going it alone and being a single parent. I decided to give myself a while and see if anyone comes along who could tick all my boxes.

I have dated a lot in the past year, all really one or two dates but none were right. Then I met him. He is 26 but very mature, been though some heartache too like me and wants exactly the same as I do. He wants to settle down, kids... and wants it all asap.
His way of looking at starting again with someone is that we have both been through hell, know the pain of being cheated on and we should just go for it.

He lives and works 40 miles from me. He would eventually like to find work around here and move. He works awfully long hours, last night was finished at 1am. Financially he is finding it tight at the moment so taking any hours he can get. I only get to see him 1-2 times per week

Here is my problem, which could just be me being silly or scared. Lack of communication. He sends me a quick text in the morning, I reply and then nothing really until the next day. I know his job is stressful having worked in the same industry myself, he is constantly on the go.

I had a bit of a go at him yesterday, in a nice way. I said I was finding it hard to know where I stood. He called me this morning, told me he's just working so much and he's not going anywhere so stop worrying.

This just makes me feel sad and a bit down, maybe it is me being an idiot and my mind working overtime. I feel as if he can't be bothered with me but when we are together its perfect.
I asked myself why would he be wanting kids with someone he can't be bothered with? Is it just my insecurity?

unsurewhichway

I'd suggest waiting till you know each other a bit better. Maybe try living together first. Kids put a strain on the longest settled relationships let alone new ones. Be comfortable with each other first, not the ideal of what will make you happy x

ska_lover

happilydivorcedagain wrote: »

Hi guys,

Not been on MSE for ages and now find myself in need of some advice, who do I turn to but you wise people!

I'll keep it as short as possible. I'm 32, feel my life is slipping by too fast and want kids so much. I have some fertility problems so after my divorce I had thought of going it alone and being a single parent. I decided to give myself a while and see if anyone comes along who could tick all my boxes.

I have dated a lot in the past year, all really one or two dates but none were right. Then I met him. He is 26 but very mature, been though some heartache too like me and wants exactly the same as I do. He wants to settle down, kids... and wants it all asap.
His way of looking at starting again with someone is that we have both been through hell, know the pain of being cheated on and we should just go for it.

He lives and works 40 miles from me. He would eventually like to find work around here and move. He works awfully long hours, last night was finished at 1am. Financially he is finding it tight at the moment so taking any hours he can get. I only get to see him 1-2 times per week

Here is my problem, which could just be me being silly or scared. Lack of communication. He sends me a quick text in the morning, I reply and then nothing really until the next day. I know his job is stressful having worked in the same industry myself, he is constantly on the go.

I had a bit of a go at him yesterday, in a nice way. I said I was finding it hard to know where I stood. He called me this morning, told me he's just working so much and he's not going anywhere so stop worrying.

This just makes me feel sad and a bit down, maybe it is me being an idiot and my mind working overtime. I feel as if he can't be bothered with me but when we are together its perfect.
I asked myself why would he be wanting kids with someone he can't be bothered with? Is it just my insecurity?

That is a hard one to answer without knowing more, or knowing you both, and can only answer based on our own experiences

Quote ''He wants it all...asap''. In the words of a famous pop song, ''you cant hurry love''....and rushing into something could lead to years of regrets. Is this man Mr Right, or more of a like minded man who can help you achieve what you want?

How much do you know about this man, seems you have known him less than a year? Do you go to his house and spend time in his domain?

IMO it all sounds a bit false - as in, he is saying one thing, but doing the opposite. He wants the commitment, but rarely contacts you.

When my hubby and I met, we were constantly texting and calling each other, despite being at work, everyone has a lunchbreak, right? Then extended phone calls on the evenings we weren't seeing each other

Mojisola

happilydivorcedagain wrote: »

Here is my problem, which could just be me being silly or scared. Lack of communication. He sends me a quick text in the morning, I reply and then nothing really until the next day. I know his job is stressful having worked in the same industry myself, he is constantly on the go.

Do you always wait for him to text you? Have you ever sent the first text of the day?

Have you ever sent another text round about lunchtime to see if he replies?

aggypanthus

26 is very young, make sure he isnt looking for the first safe port after his storm.
I would expect a txt or 2 in the evening, at least to say goodnght.

Errata

You have communications and proximity problems, not a good recipe for getting to know someone well and discovering if they're loveable.

ska_lover

I don't think its the distance, that can definatley be overcome if the will is there to do so - but the will must be there.

My husband lived over 40 miles away when we first met, and for quite some time afterwards

newcook

How long is it you have been together?!
Is he Mr Right or are you putting too much pressure on yourself to settle down and have kids?

Im 33, single and haven’t found mr right either (yet!!) but at one point last year I realized I was putting too much pressure on myself to try and want to be with the guys I dated rather than letting it happen naturally.

Yes, sometimes I feel like time is running away and I still haven’t found mr right and I still haven’t had kids but then a little voice in the back of my head reminds me that
1) there is still plenty of time – I am ONLY 33
2) I can do the hell what I want and not have to answer to anyone
3) if I want to go drinking til 4am I don’t have to be up 2-3 hours later to little people

stop over thinking things and let them happen naturally – its quite possible that Mr Right is just around the corner but all your focus and energy is going on wondering if this other guy can be bothered with you or not!

lulu_92

ska_lover wrote: »

When my hubby and I met, we were constantly texting and calling each other, despite being at work, everyone has a lunchbreak, right? Then extended phone calls on the evenings we weren't seeing each other

I would only be worried if the amount of communication suddenly diminished without good reason.

I've been with my OH for 3 years but we hardly text (and I mean this for the whole of our relationship) If I'm at work and he's off or on break we'll text each other but it's rarely at the top of our priorities. As long as he is contacting you in some form I wouldn't worry. Maybe try to get him to ring on his lunch? Even if it's for 10 minutes.

dandelionclock30

I dont think hes that bothered to be honest, unless is he is struggling financially why isnt he ringing you up for a chat?
A measly text in a morning, not much effort there, actions speak louder than words and hes doing the bare minimum to keep you engaged.
I think you are wanting too much too soon regarding kids, settling down etc.
I think you may need to cast your net wider really and look toards meeting other people. Dont put all your eggs in one basket with this bloke hes obviously not madly head over heals about you. I think you are wasting your time really.

suze200

Personally I don't feel the need to be constant contact with my partner and I dumped a guy who got annoyed when I didn't reply to his pointless texts instantly. I you have something in particular to have a conversation about then fair enough.