My mum (MOB) is upset, how should I handle this?

Justengaged

It's less than 2 weeks until I get married and I should be nervous, excited etc. but overall happy, instead I find myself annoyed at my Mum and it's really getting me down, I just feel angry and fed up instead.

Poor H2B has had to listen to me rant about it all so hoping I can get some unbiased opinions on here and maybe some advice to give his poor ears a rest bless him. I need to give some background first so sorry in advance for long post.

I'm not your typically girly girl and I really haven't had the first clue with planning the wedding, but H2B and I knew where we wanted to get married, that we wanted to keep it very small (only 23 ppl at wedding inc. us) and not over plan things, so thats exactly what we've done.

Along the way we've kept our parents updated, but given there's not actually much getting arranged there's not much to tell them about, but they have definitely been kept in the loop. However my Mum has now thrown a last minute tantrum saying I haven't told her hardly anything at all, and she hasn't felt involved.

What I feel this stems down to is that she picked out her own MOB outfit on her own as she said she thought I was already stressed and didn't want to stress me out even more by asking my opinion on it. Anyway, I got shown it yesterday as she wasn't sure if she should wear it, and unfortunately IMO it really isn't the right thing to wear. It's something someone at least 40 years her junior would wear to go clubbing (complete with a 'hello girls' parting, sequins, no sleeves and a deep v at the back), it's basically a party girl outfit, which would be fine if we were going out for the evening, but it doesn't look like a M.O.B outfit at all.

I tried to be nice about it and said it's a nice shade of colour (electric blue), and asked if she was happy with it, and that if she felt comfortable then to go with it as I wanted people to be comfortable on the day (yes I know, this is starting to be my own fault, she's so hard to deal with though).

So that was last night, and today I've woken up dreading her wearing it so I phoned her up and subtly said that I felt bad I hadn't really spent time with her picking out a M.O.B outfit, and that if she was unsure about the outfit (she actually was unsure so I think this was a good angle to come at it from) that my sister and I would go out and help her find something if she wanted us to.

After a bit of talking about it, she said she would be happy to go look at other outfits so I told her I'd come pick her up in about an hour as she was in middle of doing something. Ten minutes later I get a phone call from Dad, apparently my Mum is in floods of tears and really upset, so much so that she doesn't want me to come over anymore.

So I guess what I thought I'd handle quite well obviously wasn't, and she's devastated by what I said. My Dad said he thinks she's upset because she hasn't been involved in the wedding, but there is literally so little going on I'm not sure what else I can involve her in that I haven't already.


I think my discussing her choice of clothes was the catalyst, but it's less than two weeks to the wedding and now I have to put up with silent treatment from her as she won't speak to me, it's really wound me up.


I'm pretty sure after the dust has settled it will all be fine, but at the moment I'm just annoyed I have to deal with this so close to the wedding. I'm already stressed out as it is, and just wish I hadn't said anything and just let her wear it, but all you'll see in photos is her, the colour is that striking.


Hindsight is wonderful, but wished I just kept my mouth shut as she won't be in all the photos anyway

lika_86

Is there anything left that you might be able to involve your mum in, even if it doesn't really need doing? A last visit to the venue? Help putting together favours? Shopping for your something blue?

Do you know what the mother of the groom is wearing? If it's something pastelly, why not suggest that something more toned down would fit more with the overall palette in the photos.

Go around with a bunch of flowers and discuss it with her.

Justengaged

There really isn't. Some of the things we're doing we've kept to just me and H2B as we want us to make our memories from doing them, like we're building our own cake from M&S, so obviously don't want her fiddling with that. Favours are cake pops that someone is making for us. Flowers are a small selection coming from a florist, and we have a BBQ for foods. That's it so really nothing for her to do.


I think I'll just send her over a bunch of flowers, that's a good suggestion though.


The annoying thing is she does this all the time and I hate pandering to it, I was hoping that on the most important day of my life she'd hold back from having a tantrum and making it about her for once.

Might as well just bite my tongue, let go of my pride, send some flowers and just get it over with - this will all happen again at some point so might as well just suck it up . Thanks.

PlymouthMaid

Oh dear. It is a shame all this has flared up so near to the wedding day. What you have said makes sense re the small amount of things to be done. Maybe you can come up with some jobs which need doing so that she feels more involved. The dress is a tough one but if that's who your Mum is then you will have to let her get on with it. You may find she buys another outfit altogether before the day now anyway as I guess she 'heard' what you meant hence the tears.

SisterAct

Having a daughter getting married is a big deal. Wanting to help share in the moment is important for your mum. There are always things to do for the wedding and it could be in your desire to not have any fuss you have frozen her out a bit.
Speaking as a mum whose daughter is telling me she is getting married next year( not engaged yet) this is making me very anxious.
Your mum wants to help. She wants to look nice and enjoy her daughters wedding.
I think you need are being a bit selfish. I think your mum probably is too. But if you love each other you'll buy her flowers give her a hug and talk to her and find some way of letting her help you x
Mums aren't there for ever and you need to cherish the mum you have or you'll regret it

Long_tall_sally

I guess buying her some flowers might work & trying to chat to her. I understand where you are coming from though. My Mum nearly didn't come to my first wedding because my local church was an English High church & she is Scottish & for my wedding this year she doesn't feel she can make it up with my sister who she had a row with 8 months ago so probably won't come at all. Just keep calm & try to persuade her & hopefully she'll calm down & all will be fine!

Justengaged

Thanks for all the replies, I don't have that mother/daughter bond unfortunately as she mentally abused me as a child/teenager growing up. I would prefer she wasn't there at all. I've dealt with my problems though and as an adult not let it continue but obviously it drove a wedge.

She acts as if nothing ever happened and plays the doting mother so of course seems perfect to everyone from it, and ppl just think I'm being harsh. I couldn't tell ppl (my H2B knows) and so am polite/ engaging (as I can be) as my father (who has no idea) would be devastated, so it's been difficult anyway.

It's just one of those things, but I've tried my best to get her involved, and yh I probably am being a bit selfish but just frustrating that I have to keep everyone else happy and it feels like it's coming at the expense of my own happiness.

supersuzie50

I don't think you are being selfish - it is your wedding. Your mother is being very childish by sulking. Ignore it. My mother still plays that game at the age of 94!!! They never seem to accept that they are responsible for their actions. Stop making excuses and enjoy your wedding.

tillyenna

I know the feeling! We're having a really low-key casual and fun wedding (although we are inviting lots of people) and my mother just doesn't seem to understand that you can't have a wedding without cake! (or flowers, or a seating plan, or any other multitude of things we'll not be doing because we think they're pointless) - I'm afraid I can't offer any advice (I'm just ignoring mine at the moment...) but to let you know that you're not alone in this!

Justengaged

Thanks tillyenna, I know it's not nice for others, but is slightly comforting to know it's not just me who has this sort of problem.


My family are taking her side for the most part, my sister is fence sitting, but I can't blame her.


I'm just going to grin and bear it and then subtley ignore her after the wedding for as long as humanly possible.... I know it's not the grown up way of dealing with it, but I've just spent the whole day at work with all my family messaging me about it (all my colleagues knew something was up), and I barely kept it together, it was all I could do to stop myself from bursting into tears at least a handful of times.... our toilets were a marvellous safe haven, although some ppl may think I now have bowel problems lol.


When we sit down and talk, I shall simply remind her she said "We don't mind what you want as long as it makes you happy" and see what she says to that. I can't wait until all this malarkey is over.... wish we'd just eloped!

tillyenna

Lol - you don't need to deal with things in a grown up way! I'm totally with you on the 'ignore her after the wedding thing' - we've planned the perfect honeymoon, we're going home, locking the door and not seeing any of our families for a week! It's going to be BLISS
(and incidentally, when I told my mother about our 'staycation' honeymoon (without giving a reason why) she responded with 'oh, oh really?' in the most disgusted tone you've ever heard... mothers ey!)