Half sister - should I try and find her?

Alleycat

I'm 35 but when I was 18 I discovered that I had a half sister somewhere. When I was applying for uni I needed my parents wedding certificate and it said that my dad was a divorcee. I spoke to him, my mum and my older sister and it turns out he was married at a very young age after having a baby. The relationship didn't work out and they divorced. He helped with the upkeep of the baby but she met someone new fairly soon who took on the role of dad and asked him to stop maintenance and connections which he was fine to do. This is going back to the early 1960's.

I've always been curious about her. She is at least 13 years older than me. I obviously know nothing about her or her mother but I can't help thinking about her.

I want to find out more. I wouldn't make contact with her if she didn't know that her dad wasn't her birth father but if her mum was still alive (she would only be in her 60's) might like to talk to her.

Is this okay/strange/normal?

If you were the birth mother or half sister (who knew that her dad wasn't her birth father) how would you feel if a half sister made contact out of the blue after so many years?

I don't think I would want my family to know, at least for a while as whilst we are close, I wouldn't want to cause ill feeling.

Maybe I should continue to leave it as I have all these years. I go through years of not really thinking about it and then have periods of curiosity.

double_mummy

this has happened to me my half sister got in contact with me last year. i didnt even have any idea that she existed. It has caused big problems within my family (i have a thread on here about it here https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4842876 )

how are you going to know if she knows about your dad as her birth father before you contact her?

are you willing to risk turning this womans life completely upside down for your own curiosity?

Alleycat

Thank you so much for replying. I would only contact her if her mother were still alive and said it would be okay and she knows her dad isn't her birth father. If mum has passed away or is not in contact with her, I would leave things as I wouldn't want to cause unnecessary upset.

Edit: I remember reading your thread. Your half sister was older and adopted. I can only try and imagine how that must have felt but from her perspective, she must have felt very alone to have reached out to you. I will go now and read the updates.

PenguinJim

My half-brother was given up for adoption at birth by my mum, who went on to get married in her late twenties and have my sister and me - a very "normal" family. I didn't know about this until I was ~28, when he sought out his birth mother and managed to get in touch.

He's married and has three beautiful children, and now semi-regularly meets my retired parents for a meal or just to relax and catch up in the garden.

double mummy's right that it may cause problems, but in our case I now have a half-brother and some beautiful nieces and nephews.

Perhaps you should consider: are you and your family drama queens? If not, then approaching this sensibly is more likely to result in a positive outcome. If you are, then you're probably just going to manufacture more drama.

double_mummy

jim is right it can happen with a million different results no one knows your family like you do so you are best placed to know what the reaction would be

duchy

I don't understand
If your Dad's first wife has died then you wouldn't do it ?
Have you spoken to your Dad about it? He may at least know if she knows the situation or not.

Apart from curiosity - what do you hope to achieve ?

growler834

If it were me I would first talk to my dad about it. If he's happy for you to visit his past he will be able to help you with the info you need (names, locations etc) to trace your half-sister. However, if you go behind his back it may open up some old wounds & cause problems in your family & you won't have the advantage of the information dad (or even his family ie parents or siblings) can give you. If his first reaction is to let sleeping dogs lie it doesn't mean that in time he may reconsider. If he is adamantly against it and it would cause too much family upset for you to go ahead regardless you could always ask him to put the information in a letter only to be opened on his death.

FBaby

I'm in the similar situation expect I'm the eldest. My dad had a son when I was about 4, but things didn't work out and I understand that she ran away with the baby when he was 9 months old and was married soon afterwards with the man taking in on the role of the father. I have vague memories of him (very fond as he was my little brother) and we do have a few pictures of him.

Like you, I have debated about making contact. It would be easy to do so. I would love to meet him, put aside the past and make it about him and I, not what my father (or his mother) have done/not done. However, the fact that if he wanted to be in touch with me/my father, it would be very easy to do (googling the name and I come up) is holding me back. Clearly he hasn't done so, either because he doesn't even know I exist, or because he is not interested. I am worried that he is happy as he is and I could mess his life suddenly showing up into his life.

I concluded that my desire to get to know him is not worth the risk of potentially messing up a life, so I've decided to leave it to him to make the move if he ever finds out/decide he wants to know me.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

Like you, I have debated about making contact. It would be easy to do so. I would love to meet him, put aside the past and make it about him and I, not what my father (or his mother) have done/not done.

However, the fact that if he wanted to be in touch with me/my father, it would be very easy to do (googling the name and I come up) is holding me back. Clearly he hasn't done so, either because he doesn't even know I exist, or because he is not interested. I am worried that he is happy as he is and I could mess his life suddenly showing up into his life.

On the other hand, he could be thinking "If my Dad or my big sister really wanted to get in touch with me, they could. They obviously aren't interested in me."

Person_one

double_mummy wrote: »

this has happened to me my half sister got in contact with me last year. i didnt even have any idea that she existed. It has caused big problems within my family (i have a thread on here about it here https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4842876 )

how are you going to know if she knows about your dad as her birth father before you contact her?

are you willing to risk turning this womans life completely upside down for your own curiosity?

I've just read that thread for the first time, and wanted to say how sorry I am that you got such hostile and harsh responses when you were going through something so difficult. You didn't deserve that at all.

FBaby

Mojisola wrote: »

On the other hand, he could be thinking "If my Dad or my big sister really wanted to get in touch with me, they could. They obviously aren't interested in me."

That's exactly the point. My reason for meeting him is purely out curiosity. If I never meet him, I won't feel I have missed out much, same with my dad, however, if HE wanted to meet us because he wanted to know more about this side of his gene pool, then we would be very welcoming.