husband in icu, and im fumming with his family

christmaspud

Well where do I start...
My husband has been in hospital for the past 4 weeks, after having a brain tumour removed...
he is currently in intensive care, been on a ventilator for last 8 days, they have now fitted a tracheostomy to help him with his breathing...


Now the 2 issues I have his 3 adult children have not even bother to go and visit him, nor have any of his other family only his mother.....


also his mother has been putting on facebook for everyone to read, in great detail everything my husband is going though, ie being on the ventilator, when he would not wake up from being in a coma etc....


Now im finding it all very hard to deal with,
ive been traveling 45 miles each day by coach to spend every minute of the day by my husband side, as well as looking after my 2 younger children and trying to run the house as well.


and im finding it getting me very mad when she keep putting everything on facebook, my husband(her son) would go mad if he knew his whole life was all over facebook....


what do I do?
I don't really get on with my mother in law its just a case of putting up with her, as she talk down to me and finds it hard to understand im her son next of kin,


as she got the right hump when the doctors were trying to talk and ask me to sign papers and she kept asking why the doctors wont ring her as well as me...


What do I do....

lilmissreading

Some suggestions:

1) Unfriend your Mil - what you don't know won't hurt you. When your DH is awake and says blooming hell why didn't you stop her, you can say I tried but you know what's she like. She doesn't listen to me and make it clear he needs to talk to her about it, not you. You can stick to being sympathic about but leave it to him to sort with her. Let him know that he is her baby no matter how big he gets and this is how she copes.

2) He might be upset at the sharing. However, you can also use the posts for his benefit from the point of view that lots of unconcsious people like to read a diary of what happened when they are ready to fill in the gaps. Also means when he is grumbling about how it's taking too long to get better, you have proof of where he started from and how far he has come.

3) If she grumbles about phone calls, let her know that she needs to speak to the hospital about it as you do not get to decide who doctors get to call and they can't call all of every patient's relatives but just one.

4) Call screening

5) Is your anger with MIL or the situation itself for happening at all? Is the anger a way of avoiding feeling afraid and/or sad? Anger is very protective. it gives us the energy to keep going in a crisis.

Really, really all the best with this. I can't being to imagine how hard this is for you and your children. You are clearly a very caring, loving person and I hope he gets better soon. Sending you and yours all my best wishes and only wish they could actually do something to make this better.

Good luck surviving MIL.

marleyboy

Just carry on doing as you are. Doctors\nurses will know who you are and that, as his Wife you take a priority over getting information about his condition.

In respect to his siblings, that is their decision. My Dad split from the family when I was 16 and settled down with his new self made family. That was nearly 30 Years ago and should he find himself in hospital, not even a slow and agonising death would cause me to visit him, regardless of what his Mrs thinks about the situation.

The best you can do is concentrate on your own circumstances of the situation, being by his side and supporting him as you are already doing, is more than enough to encourage him back to health.

christmaspud

thank you for the kind words xxx

mountainofdebt

One way of looking at the MIL's facebook posting is that people don't need to phone you to find out what's going on - I can only imagine it would tiring emotionally to have to tell the same story a zillion times

Don't worry about the house -you can dust etc until your hearts content when he's better

Also is there anyone who could mind the children overnight - with all that travelling would it be easier to stay at least 1 night in a travellodge / hospital accommodation

don't forget not eating properly/running yourself ragged/worrying about your hubby might make yourself ultra sensitive

BigAunty

You can suppress Facebook posts without having to unfriend a person. Accept that you have limited influence when it comes to how she is representing the situation to friends and family. Therefore you can only control your reaction to it.

Don't get into a big discussion about your legal right as next of kin - if she doesn't accept this basic legal practice, remember there are no actual consequences to your rights. She may not be happy about it, but there's nothing she can do about your fundamental legal rights.

You could try reassuring her that you will always give her prompt updates so that the fact that the doctors have no requirement to communicate with her does not mean she will be out of the loop. Otherwise, basically, her only option is to lump the situation in the same way you have to lump her FB babble.

Why do you think his children and wider family aren't visiting? Is it because there are relationship issues or could it be that they find it too distressing, keep putting it off because they can't face it?

On a practical note, is there anyone who can mind the kids or help out with household tasks?

krlyr

Is MIL perhaps upset at the lack of visitors and trying to keep the family in the loop/encourage them to visit by painting the picture of what's happening?

savingmummy

So sorry to hear about this, I hope your husband recovers quickly and his recovery is as smooth as it can be.


I can`t even begin to imagine how much stress you have right now, unnecessary added stress is not needed.
TRY and let them get on with the moans and stupidness.


As for them not visiting, don`t let it upset you. For what ever reason they have chose not too whether it be they don`t want too, find it upsetting or just not visiting because..... it is their choice. It may be a good thing as them visiting could bring you more stress!!


I have to agree to either remove her from facebook, or just hide her statuses.
You don`t need to see things that cause you more upset and stress.
I would probably tell her you disagree with her using FB to air the information for all to see.


Look after yourself, hope you have some support at home?

cazziebo

lilmissreading wrote: »

. However, you can also use the posts for his benefit from the point of view that lots of unconcsious people like to read a diary of what happened when they are ready to fill in the gaps. Also means when he is grumbling about how it's taking too long to get better, you have proof of where he started from and how far he has come.

This is my experience. My daughter and my sister have both spent time in ICU (horrible horrible times - I really feel for you, OP). My sister was in a coma for 3 weeks and disputes so many things that happened. She's annoyed that we can't fill in the gaps - two years on she feels part of her life is missing because she has absolutely no memory of that time (and very odd memories of what happened before and after).

She also is not really aware of who visited and who didn't. Usually ICU is very strict about visiting so perhaps other family members feel they can't or shouldn't visit. Perhaps some don't feel strong enough. It is quite distressing.

My daughter was only unconscious for a few days (meningitis) but still asks many years later why we didn't take photos as she would have loved to have seen what she went through!

This must be taking a terrible toll on you, especially if you have young children to manage as well. The patient is getting a lot of care in ICU - you're on your own really. Do look after yourself - please don't be skipping meals, and cutting back on sleep to fit in any chores etc. You need care and support too.

Something that shocked me from my sisters' experience is how long it is taking her to recover mentally from the ICU. There were leaflets in the ICU relatives' room about the trauma that often follows time in ICU but I didn't take much notice. Our experience is that the doctors will focus on physical recovery, but the emotional and mental recovery can take longer, and it's the family who have to manage that aspect.

Sending you positive thoughts x

whitewing

I didn't visit my aunt in hospital, mainly because I felt it was my parents' actions that indirectly put her there (pressuring her to remortgage and lend/give them the money, and they were constantly going in as concerned relatives .I was extremely angry with them. Still am, actually, now I think about it.)

Person_one

There's an organisation called ICU Step that aims to support patients and relatives during an ICU stay and in the weeks, months and years following. Its an incredibly difficult time for everybody involved, one of the most traumatic and stressful things you can go through. Is there anybody helping you out? Anybody supporting you and providing a shoulder/ear/occasional meal? Don't forget that your wellbeing matters too and don't run yourself into the ground. You don't need to visit every day if its too much and you need a day off to rest.

http://www.icusteps.org

http://www.ics.ac.uk/icf/patients-and-relatives/