Greedy and bitter cousin-in-law; what to do?

AvaQuaver

A bit of background...

My cousin and his 'delightful wife' have a four year old son and a daughter that is approaching three. For the children's birth, birthdays, Christenings and Christmas I have always given cards, gifts or cheques for every event. They have had parties for each event (usually not supplying the food or drink and asking for vouchers not gifts for their kid's presents... they are notoriously tight and people laugh about this behind their back.) I have a daughter who is approaching five years old and in the five years of her life they didn't send a card or gift for her birth, 1st Xmas, 2nd, 3rd & 4th Xmas or 2nd/3rd/4th birthday. They gave a card and gift for her first birthday but my little one had a big party which their little girl attended. The not receiving gifts in return didn't bother me as they don't have much money but as you can imagine the lack of acknowledgement cards has stung a bit. I continued to buy gifts and acknowledge their children's celebrations as a) it's not the little ones fault and b) my cousin's mother is such a lovely lovely lady, I wouldn't want to upset her by 'ignoring' her grandchildren's special occasions.
Anyway to cut a long story short; October last year I couldn't make their son's birthday/christening bash (again no food or drink supplied but please do bring a gift scenario.) So I sent a cheque and birthday & christening card in the post.
I text and asked if they had received the cheque a cple of weeks later as I had no response and the cheque hadn't been cashed.
The LOVELY wife text and said 'yes thanks haven't had time to bank it yet.' So ok the cheque gets cashed a few days later. I think nothing more of it.
Earlier this month is their daughter's birthday party. My little girl isn't invited to the party because my card turned up late in the post two days after the son's Christening.
I know this isn't my cousin's doing but he will go along with whatever his wife decides as she is a controlling piece of work.
I was very hurt initially for them rejecting my little one but now I am very angry as it is such hypocrisy... after years of ignoring my child's special events. I have spoken to his mother (my aunt) and she is very upset about it all and had spoken to him about it but he just said 'it's up to the gaffer.'

My question is... future family events... how to handle those?
Do I snub her, him and the children and ignore them all?
Do I smile and nod a hello like nothing has happened?


My sis is getting engaged next month and has invited them to her party, so what do I do? I don't want to upset the children or any of my other family; but I couldn't careless about the feeling's of my cousin and the snake of a wife.
They may not even go as it would mean buying an engagement gift... but I still get on well with his two younger brothers/ mother etc so we will bump into each other a cple of times a year.

Thanks in advance. xxx

balletshoes

ok well personally I would stop the gift-giving to your cousin's children straightaway (I'm close to all my cousins but I've never given their kids cards or pressies apart from when they were born/christened, and they've done the same with my child).

As to when you are in their company at family gatherings, treat them as well as you have up til now - they are family, and its not worth rocking the boat with your aunt and other family members over the pettiness of your cousin and his wife. In other words, don't stoop to their level.

double_mummy

be the bigger person send the kids cards but dont send any gifts or cheques and dont behave any differently when you see them in person and turn down any personal invites from them

millysg1

i have a tendancy to take these kind of things personally, even when they arent. So i imagine i would still send a card for special occasions but no present or money. I wouldnt make a nig deal about it at a family party as it makes you look spiteful. Rise above it. But i wouldnt be making that much effort with them if they are like that.
I have a similar thing with my cousin. We have to rally around her and her family for the most smallest thing as she would get very upset if none of us made it. I had to leave half way through my best friends hen to go to her daughter's christening when they arent even religious nor have they ever attended church (not even for their own wedding) which i find hypocrytical. But for my sisters wedding, and we are their only cousins, she decided not to come so she could go away for the weekend with her husbands mum and sister to celebrate his 31st which was a couple days later. Even when they sent the reply to the invite it said they MIGHT go away that weekend, it hadnt even been booked.

Buzzybee90

I'd ignore her.

Quick question... Your sister is getting engaged next month?

lostinrates

I'd send cards where you have sent gifts and be absolutely charming in person.

I'd also try and stop joining in with 'laughing behind their backs' at their tightness or whatever else is disliked about them. It reflects poorly on those sniggering.

Mrs_Soup

I wouldn't have been sending gifts in the first place but if you stop now the children are too young to realise that a gift is "missing" so they won't be the least bit hurt by it.
If you meet them socially just be pleasant- no need to sour someone else's event. In a large gathering you will probably barely see them so don't need to make a big deal either way.

AvaQuaver

Buzzybee90 wrote: »

I'd ignore her.

Quick question... Your sister is getting engaged next month?

She is having an engagement party, yes.

sulphate

I would just send cards in future, no gifts and I wouldn't go to any more of their events.

Just because they're your family doesn't mean you have to play happy families.

Buzzybee90

AvaQuaver wrote: »

She is having an engagement party, yes.

I thought you were psychic :P

AvaQuaver

lostinrates wrote: »

I'd send cards where you have sent gifts and be absolutely charming in person.

I'd also try and stop joining in with 'laughing behind their backs' at their tightness or whatever else is disliked about them. It reflects poorly on those sniggering.

I don't laugh behind their backs, I am always very kind to them. As continuing to send gifts and cards when they send no acknowledgement for my daughter shows.

I don't know if I can bring myself to be charming. I am hurt for my child, all the other children in the family were invited. I think they have acted in a disgraceful way but I know that this horrendous in-law would almost be excited at my unhappiness over the matter. She is truly vile. I shall be as pleasant as ever to their children but that is all I can manage.