How to be strong?

jm2926

i need to be strong for my family, but I'm a total cry baby. How can I sort this out?

I'm strong in the practical sense, will cook/clean/etc/etc but I'm crying and I really need to keep this to my own time and be strong in public. I have support when I need it, but I'm just a kinda emotional person.

When the situation is bad, but I need to be positive and encourage others, how do I do that?

Its all hospital/sickness etc across the family and I need to offer support/encourage/etc. I cant beloeve how much I cry and it has to stop. Do you have any strategies to stop the tears?

sax11

Who do you have to talk to that isn't family based ?

double_mummy

theres absolutely nothing wrong with crying

why do you need to be strong in public? what makes you think that by crying you are doing something negative rather than positive? why do you think that you arent offering support just because you cry? if you are an emotional person and this is your response to things why are you so concerned that it is a bad thing?

if you are doing all the practical things that you can do then what more can you really ask of yourself?

you need to think about why you cry - do you go over and over things in your head? can you not find a way to distract yourself? why is your opinion of crying so bad?

when you feel like you are going to cry have a drink of water and take some deep breaths, think about something funny, think about why you want to cry and look at it in a different light

Hermia

double_mummy wrote: »

theres absolutely nothing wrong with crying

why do you need to be strong in public? what makes you think that by crying you are doing something negative rather than positive? why do you think that you arent offering support just because you cry? if you are an emotional person and this is your response to things why are you so concerned that it is a bad thing?

I have to say it can be a bad thing. If someone else is needing a lot of support having someone weeping and wailing can seem attention-seeking (I know they don't intend it to be) and can distress them further. When my mum was dying the people who came into the room and started wailing did cause problems. They upset her and drew attention away from people who were more distressed, but perhaps just not showing it. When I accompanied my friend to chemo I really tried to hide my distress because I knew she had no other strong friends in her life. I had to be her support and if I had cried, she would have collapsed.

OP - is there a way you can distract yourself? For example, if you were visiting a friend in hospital are there any practical things you could do? Tidy the room or take some presents that you could show her to take your mind off things. I have a friend who finds it hard to cope in hospital settings and she pretty much tidies the entire room. We just let her get on with it! Making your excuses and popping to the loo is obviously an option!

I do think there are different kinds of support and people are often only good at one. Maybe you are better at the practical stuff rather than the emotional stuff. I am like that and I always tell people I am not the best person to come to for a shoulder to cry on. But I am brilliant at coming up with practical solutions and helping people when they want to get back on their feet. If you are a practical person maybe offer this to your family and explain that you struggle with the emotional stuff.

dandy-candy

I can only suggest planning your conversations ahead. When I was visiting mum in a hospice I would try and think of as many things to talk about first - news from friends, stories I'd read, what had been on the news or in a tv drama. You could also take in some mags with interesting stories, gossip, fashion etc.
It is very hard, and I was often in tears by the time I got back to the car. Keep strong and rest as much as possible at home yourself, caring for others is very draining.

jm2926

Hermia wrote: »

I have to say it can be a bad thing. If someone else is needing a lot of support having someone weeping and wailing can seem attention-seeking (I know they don't intend it to be) and can distress them further.

Hermia wrote: »

When I accompanied my friend to chemo I really tried to hide my distress because I knew she had no other strong friends in her life. I had to be her support and if I had cried, she would have collapsed.

Hermia wrote: »

If you are a practical person maybe offer this to your family and explain that you struggle with the emotional stuff.

Not an option at the moment as I'm the main visitor to hospital and updator of the rest. That's all fine, it's just I need to be positive and strong while I'm there.

Spoke to staff nurse last night and even though the news was good, just having any update sent me into tears. Combination of a long day and they had set us up to expect there may be no improvement for some time. Then she relayed the info I was upset to the patient (I'll talk to the nurses later and ask them not to do that)

It's my DH in hospital and he needs me to tell him it's going to be all right without bloody crying.

The distraction thing works a bit, but I'm generally crap at it and end up thinking stuff. Think I'll phone the gp and get something to numb me a bit to get through this.

jm2926

dandy-candy wrote: »

I can only suggest planning your conversations ahead. When I was visiting mum in a hospice I would try and think of as many things to talk about first - news from friends, stories I'd read, what had been on the news or in a tv drama. You could also take in some mags with interesting stories, gossip, fashion etc.
It is very hard, and I was often in tears by the time I got back to the car. Keep strong and rest as much as possible at home yourself, caring for others is very draining.

That's a good idea thanks, We did have gaps in conversations last night. It's hard to think of things to say in hospitals surrounded by the obvious

CH27

I used to bite the inside of my mouth to stay strong when my mum was having chemo. I drew blood frequently.
It's hard to cry when you are looking up so I used examine the ceilings etc.

Errata

Think I'll phone the gp and get something to numb me a bit to get through this.

The situation sounds dire, and crying in those circumstances is normal if you dearly love the person in hospital.
Do you really want your natural emotions to be given a chemical cosh by your GP.?

System

I was good at drama at school. I was always selected to do school assemblies because I had a knack of distancing myself.

I like to think I am good at giving emotional support (even though theres no one out there for me to draw from).

Just because I can distance myself emotionally, it doesn't mean I hurt any the less it just means I can 'act' my way through it.... its taken many years of practise though.

marisco_2

Crying is not a sign of weakness in any way. Often it is a strong indicator that a person has tried to stay too strong for too long. We can all only cope with so much before feeling overwhelmed. Someone you love deeply is not well and you are doing your upmost to support and rally round him, whilst taking care of all practicalities, trying to handle your own emotions and rationalise your fears.

Something has got to give at some stage and this is what you are experiencing now. It is far healthier to release pent up stress and anxiety than to bottle it all up and internalise it.

Is there anyone that you can turn to? A person willing to be a shoulder to lean on and a listening ear. People who can step up and help others in a selfless way like that, are an absolute god send at times in life like this. You need love and support too. Take care and I sincerely hope that your DH pulls through and goes on to make a full recovery.