Feel like I am getting a raw deal.

TerrorTuppence

This is probably daft and I know tensions and emotions are running high but I am getting more and more stressed after splitting up with my fianc!.

We have about £7k of debt in his name and £2k in mine and we were really planning on shifting that this year and building up our credit to get a mortgage in a few years time if he ever got and kept a job.

Now we've split and I feel like I am giving everything to this and he is just... Just yet again back tracking into being so incredibly selfish.

I am perfectly happy to pay off the debts because they were created by both of us in this relationship and I think it is the right thing to do. I've got £1k in savings waiting for him to get some settlement figures from the debtors. Whilst he is still spending cash on online gaming and nights out with his friends.

Which when he leaves/we leave is fine and not my problem anymore but we have two kids to think about he's whining that he won't be able to see them as often as he wants because he will have no money and debts to repay and I'm offering him a clean slate when we leave and I could just scream!

He's meant to be selling some of his games consoles which he's now not going to do even though he hasn't used them in well over a year, and he has a motorbike sat outside just rotting away he was going to sell he's been offered £700 for it, that he's now decided that actually if he doesn't have the kids to drive about he might just keep that...

And he wants us to trade in both our cars for more suitable cars even though mine is worth 3x as much as his. So I downgrade and he gets a nice upgrade on his.

:mad::mad::mad:

I don't even know why this is stressing me out so much because this is so him and the reason I've broken it off anyway. I just needed to rant before I implode I'm so stressed with myself putting up with this for so long.

SeduLOUs

It's fairly obvious that he isn't a likely to get 'on track' as you are. You've agreed it's fair to pay your part, so I'd do exactly that. If he then doesn't settle and sends himself further into debt then that's his problem not yours.

I'd suggest paying him £1,875.

His total debt of £7000 x 75% (an educated 'guess' at settlement figure) = £5,250 of which you pay half = £2,625

Your total debt of £2000 x 75% = £1,500 of which he owes you £750

£2,625 - £750 = £1,875

If he isn't willing to give you final figures and you don't want this dragging on forever then just do the above. Feel free to change the educated 'guess' at settlement figures. It might be in your interest to drop the guess to 50% if he isn't willing to do his bit and get actual numbers.

Detail how it is made up in writing and get him to sign that he will not pursue you for any further payments in relation to this debt, and then move on.

It doesn't cost money for him to see his kids. Even if you cleared all of the debt for him to give him a clean slate it sounds like he'd just slip back into it anyway and you can't look after him. He needs to get his own priorities and finances straight if he wants to keep up his relationship with his children.

TerrorTuppence

Thanks SeduLous, that makes sense. I don't know if I can cope with the mind games and the whining if I put that to him but I will try on a day. Am feeling stronger.

It's suffocating still being here with him but I want to wait until my daughter finishes her school year before we leave as it's just going to be so unsettling anyway.

I've told him he can have all the furniture and appliances he can fit at his mothers and I/we will sell the rest and split the money as unless I can find a house I can afford on my own I'm going back to my parents and going to have to save like mad for a year or two.

The council near my parents won't help as we would be making ourselves homeless with this move which is understandable I suppose just frustrating because I can't manage on my own with the kids 150 miles away from the nearest support not with my disabilities.

I daren't rock the boat too much at home because he could try and take custody of the girls and I really feel that is a battle I would lose.

balletshoes

if you don't want to rock the boat right now with more talk about the debts and how they will be settled, could you not just keep your money until you have moved out, then sort it out then? On the face of it, your OH is potentially going to be the one who stands to lose most financially if you can't come to an agreement, as he has more of the debt in his name from what you've said.

themull1

I would agree to pay part of his debt with the maintenance payments he will be giving you...

double_mummy

if the debts are in joint names do not pay him any money talk to the creditors directly. if they are totally in his name you could do what Sedulous suggested or you can leave him to it with his debts

do not let him blackmail you (and dont do it to yourself) over custody of the children it is a totally separate issue you are doing what you need to do by getting support from your family take the savings you have and use it for a deposit near to your parents for their support you can then agree a reduction in maintenance for paying towards his debts if you really want to

go and get some advice from a charity called stepchange 08001381111 or https://www.stepchange.org with regards to your own debts and you can get free legal advice with regards to the kids here http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/index.php?page=family_and_relationship_breakdown

good luck and arm yourself with knowledge

TerrorTuppence

No joint debts, there won't be any maintenance as he doesn't have a job. Not yet anyway, we live off my wages, DLA, tax credits and he gets Carers Allowance.

I know all the money we have is ours at the moment so I can't really claim ownership to it, but I am taking the girls away tomorrow for a few days so I might leave some with my parents. I think I am just going to clear as much of my debt as possible and then he can decide what he is doing whenever he pulls his head out of his rear!

TerrorTuppence

Hi,

A few things have happened recently that have caused some friction things are starting to slip at home, he has been tracking my phone. I don't know how long it has been going on or if it still is since I caught him but it's made me really anxious.

I'm really struggling to act natural and his behaviour is getting more and more confusing, he keeps telling me I'm 'messing with his head' but I really think it is the other way round.

We had a lovely break at my parents and although I felt sick on the 5 hour drive back I feel more able to keep a straight head and remember why I have done this.

I've had some money come through which means I now have almost enough to clear all of the debts I think on full and finals so I'm going to start writing those letters next week.

Counsellor is off until mid June so I've got to manage without until then but I met with my CPN yesterday who seemed to know everything I told the counsellor and advised me to speak to someone about custody of the kids. I am a little wary of going somewhere if my phone is being tracked but if I leave it at home he'll know it's deliberate or tell someone he's 'worried I've gone to do something stupid'

bellevie

The tracking is a very worrying sign. Did he explain why he done it? Perhaps even though its over whilst you are living there he has hope that it will just get put of and of until you end up back to 'normal'? Maybe your trip away has made him you leaving is actually going to happen, he realises you are the provide for everything, so inwardly will be panicking about how his lifestyle will change. He may be coming up with allsorts of accusations in his head, perhaps convincing himself that you have met someone else, or just maybe loosing that element of control, tracking made him feel he still had that?

If you go to speak to a solicitor, the police, or Citizens advice, perhaps find one relatively close to a shopping centre, so you can park up, leave phone in the car - somewhere that isn't unusual for you to be, so as not to raise suspicion - if need be you could get a bus from the point of parking your car.

If you feel at risk, it would be wise to go asap, you can sort out the debt once you have moved. - If possible, do speak to someone about the tracking and things that have changed, any friends or someone that is local that can just keep an eye on things until you leave.

rpc

TerrorTuppence wrote: »

I am a little wary of going somewhere if my phone is being tracked but if I leave it at home he'll know it's deliberate or tell someone he's 'worried I've gone to do something stupid'

Then switch if off and take the battery out when you are going places you don't want him to know about.

How is he tracking it? In this country at least, tracking needs some level of consent. Is he using your password to access it? If so, change it. If it is being done through the network, call them and tell them your abusive ex is tracking your phone and can they please disable it or change the security.

BigAunty

TerrorTuppence wrote: »

A few things have happened recently that have caused some friction things are starting to slip at home, he has been tracking my phone. I don't know how long it has been going on or if it still is since I caught him but it's made me really anxious.

I'm really struggling to act natural and his behaviour is getting more and more confusing, he keeps telling me I'm 'messing with his head' but I really think it is the other way round.

To me, that surveillance is sinister, probably illegal and definately abusive. Accusations that you are behaving poorly to him when all the signs are that it is his actions that have ruined the relationship is also sounding huge alarm bells. So, too, is the way you are being financially exploited, as well as emotionally.

On this forum (and the Debt Free wanabee forum) we regularly and persistently see many posts virtually identical to yours - seek them out, you should find a handful within the first few pages of posts.

They go like this - A mother finds that her unemployed or underemployed partner spends the household budget how he likes, driving them into debts which he refuses to take responsibility for, he prioritises his own interests and hobbies, spending his time how he likes while providing little help with the children or the house. He is continually disrespectful and often has other controlling behaviour, such as monitoring or limiting who they can see and where they can go.

Suggest you read the What Are the Signs of Domestic Abuse? section to see how much chimes with you. If the type of harassment and mind games he is playing is more than symptomatic of the heart break involved in ending a relationship, I suggest you contact Womens Aid who can help you with understanding how to deal with the fact that he's interfered with your phone and whether the council will now have an obligation to house you as a priority case.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272&itemTitle=What+is+domestic+violence