Struggling after Maternity Leave

supersaver2

Hi All,

Just after some opinions/ideas for my wife please.

She returned to work after maternity leave last year and has been struggling. The work is fine and her boss is very flexible etc so no problems there but she feels she has been 'sidelined' by her previous friends.

She's worked at the same place for 8 years and has many friends, they often had girls nights out and other social days out shopping, going to theatre trips etc. Since she's returned from Maternity leave she hasn't been invited out and her friends are arranging things and not telling her. These women are various ages, have children at different ages so a different mix. My wife is quite a quiet person, but easy to get along with, she is never the 'live and soul', but is a good friend and will do anything for people she knows. She takes all our daughters old clothes in that she's outgrown for one of the other ladies, she is very kind.

I know its starting to upset her and she can't understand why this has happened. One of the other ladies had a baby 6 months after my wife and she is still included in the social events. Our daughter is disabled and we've had a hard time, but this is even more reason why my wife needs a break every now and then. I know she isn't one of these ladies that only talk about babies after having children, she enjoys work and the adult conversation and not just being 'mum.'

She has only gone back part time (3 days a week) and I thing this may be making a difference as she misses things that are happening, but surely they could still include her?

Has anybody else experienced this after a prolonged break/maternity leave?

Would be interested to hear stories from others.

Thanks so much.

tayforth

OP - I just wanted to send you both hugs. Your wife sounds like a really lovely generous person, and you're very kind to think of her and post here seeking advice.

I can't think why her work colleagues are behaving in this way, it's baffling. Is she close to any particular one of them, could she mention it quietly and see what the reaction is?

I really hope that things improve soon.

Georgiegirl256

No advice as such, but just wanted to say that your wife sounds a lovely and kind person, it's sad that she's being excluded. You say she's quiet, but would she not mention it to someone and ask why is is happening?

Some people just assume things, and maybe think that your wife has got her hands full perhaps? But IMO that is no excuse, and it doesn't take a minute to mention the outing and ask if she'd like to go.

pmlindyloo

I think it's probably because she has gone part time. Having worked part time myself it is very difficult to keep up with what is happening.

If there is one particular person who arranges things perhaps she could just have a word and say something along the lines of ' working part time is lovely but I seem to be missing out on some get togethers. if it's OK with all of you could I be included?' That should sort it out.

supersaver2

Thanks for the advice, can always count on this board for kind words!

I'm thinking the same that she does need to say something, she shares an office with one of the ladies so she might be the one to approach. I know she'll find it very difficult though, she isn't the most assertive person.

I do feel for her though, I have cycling as a hobby and the work ladies are her main friends so she hasn't got much going on outside of work and home and we all need to do something for ourselves, especially as our daughter requires extra care.

Will have a chat and hopefully support her with her next move.

Thanks.

tea_lover

Have there been any new members of staff join while she was off?

In a previous workplace I got on great with everyone, we all socialised loads, and I really thought we were good friends. A new woman joined the office and we got on great at first (we used to go out after work at least once a week). For some reason I still don't know this woman took against me when I was on holiday. She was incredibly manipulative and within a few months it felt like the whole office was in a group I wasn't part of.

I've got every sympathy with your wife, it's not a nice situation to be in. It could be the change of hours though - it's easy to get left out when you're not there all the time. Hopefully it's just people being thoughtless rather than malicious.

DomRavioli

Hi OP,

You said your daughter was disabled - maybe the work colleagues don't want to invite her in case she is overwhelmed (not sure if new baby is disabled, or if other child is disabled but I can imagine it being very hectic regardless) - unless your wife says something, then they aren't mind readers and won't know.

Why not get her to speak to one of these friends? That is what friends do.

jackomdj

I agree with the others. Your wife should make the first move and let them know she would love to go out with them.

supersaver2

tea_lover wrote: »

Have there been any new members of staff join while she was off?

In a previous workplace I got on great with everyone, we all socialised loads, and I really thought we were good friends. A new woman joined the office and we got on great at first (we used to go out after work at least once a week). For some reason I still don't know this woman took against me when I was on holiday. She was incredibly manipulative and within a few months it felt like the whole office was in a group I wasn't part of.

I've got every sympathy with your wife, it's not a nice situation to be in. It could be the change of hours though - it's easy to get left out when you're not there all the time. Hopefully it's just people being thoughtless rather than malicious.

Thanks. I don't think there has been any new staff join since she was off work. I think part of the problem is the one lady she was close to and shared an office with was on her own for the year so obviously became more friendly with other staff.

She doesn't think it's malicious at all, they are still friendly at work and take an interest in our daughter and vice versa. It's just becoming a vicious circle though as she feels she has less and less to talk to them about as she isn't being invited out so isn't involved in any conversations about what they did at the weekend or any nights out.

She's come home upset again today, her friends have gone out for afternoon tea (she didn't even know as it was all arranged via email) as one of the ladies starts maternity leave this Friday and this was her 'send off.'

I do think she will eventually pluck up the courage to speak to them otherwise it's going to eat away at her.

Thanks all.

Person_one

I'm sure ot must be nerve-wracking, as she'll be making herself quite vulnerable if the sad fact is that they just don't want her company anymore for whatever reason, but the others are right that the only way to deal with it is to talk to them about it.

I would suggest she approaches the one who seems the kindest and most considerate of others, and gently say that she's been sad to miss out on so many events and that she'd love an invite in future.

If that goes well, and they start to include her more, I think it would be a good idea for her to take the initiative on planning something or helping with the organising.

go_cat

It maybe that her colleagues think she has got enough on at home and don't want to out her in what they think may be a difficult position by asking her to go out with them, I'm sure there is no malice intended