Name change- Am I right to do it?

beckysbobbles1

I'm just looking for opinions really on whether I am doing the right thing or not.

My husband passed away nearly three years ago. I was 25 years old when he died.

I initially never thought of changing my name at all from my married name but lately I've been feeling bad that I'm still using it.

I know legally I have a right to still use it but I'm not sure morally I should.

I've been in a steady relationship with someone for six months and I am looking to the future.

It's incredibly early days but I would love a future with this man.

But it's got me thinking about little things like having my old married name on documents such as birth certificates/wedding certicates/deeds etc.

I mean these are all massive things that are not likely to happen any time soon, and even if they don't happen with the guy I'm currently with, I do hope some day they will happen.

But I feel quite torn. Part of me feels like I'm betraying my late hsuabnd by being with someone whilst using his name and I also feel like I should go back to my maiden name to try and help me move forward with my life.

I'm really not sure what to do.

Also legally can I just use my marriage certificate, husbands death certificate to change back or do I need a Deed Poll?

Thanks.

Mojisola

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

I also feel like I should go back to my maiden name to try and help me move forward with my life.

If this is how you feel, go with it.

If you change your name after a marriage, you don't give up your birth name - it's still yours to use if you want.

hazyjo

Everyone I know who lost their partner/husband kept their married name - some went on to remarry. It's because you're young - what a traumatic thing to go through. When my dad died a couple of years ago, my mum wouldn't have considered changing her surname. It's the surname of me and my sis still, and it's our 'family name' now, not my mum's maiden name.

You may not have had kids with him, but you did marry him.

It's difficult to say how we'd feel in your shoes, or what's right/wrong. You have to go with your gut instinct - but if you want reassurance it's okay to keep your married name, you most certainly get that from me!

Jx

duchy

If you feel you need to change your maiden name to go forward then there is nothing wrong with doing so.......equally there is nothing to stop you waiting until you remarry.

If there is a possibility you will be remarrying then it's an awful lot of faff to change your name ....... and then have to change everything again though.

There is nothing wrong with keeping his name-and moving on with your life.......and it is more usual to do so when widowed so if the only reason is you feel you shouldn't have feelings for someone else whilst using your husband's name - that is in your head (which doesn't make it not matter of course) rather than you are "doing something wrong" socially or morally.

The only thing I'd probably consider is if his family would feel hurt if you "rejected" his name when you didn't need to eg if you were remarrying you'd probably feel the need to.

beckysbobbles1

Thanks for the replies.

Yes definately it'll be such a pain to change it all (and expensive).

I guess I just feel a little lost at the moment. There's certainly no manual on how to be the perfect widow.

I do think being younger than most widows has a big differences. If I did have children, I wouldn't consider this at all.

Pricivius

Just to say, changing your surname need not be expensive at all. You just need to inform whoever has it on their records that you are changing it - banks, utilities, work, doctor, dentist etc. You would have to pay for a new passport and driving license so there's some expense there, but that's all I can think of.

I changed mine when I was 7 - it was never done through Deed Poll or in any way legally. Mum tied it in with going to a new school so she enrolled me with a new surname and then changed the record with the doctor/dentist. Job done. It really is no big deal and has not caused any major problems for me at all.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Person_one

Its not wrong to use either name, whichever you want, its entirely up to you.

I must admit I've never heard of a woman who changed her name on marriage then changing it back if they were widowed, so I'm curious as to how you came across the idea that it might be wrong for you to keep his name (which is now just as much yours if you've been using it for years).

peachyprice

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

But it's got me thinking about little things like having my old married name on documents such as birth certificates/wedding certicates/deeds etc.

When/if you do remarry you can ask the registrar to put your maiden name on the certificate, they just have put underneath "aka Becky Bobbles X'sname"

ltrent

How about changing your surname back to your maiden name, and then using the married name as a middle/second name, bit I think you are fine to keep your married name, and as a bloke I would not be bothered that my partner had a married name from a previous partner.

Starrystarrynight

Hello OP.

I can't imagine anyone with any sense could criticise or judge you for keeping your married name, but you must do what makes you feel most comfortable.
Being widowed must be incredibly traumatic, and you will have been through so much, so your own feelings are most important.

I took my husband's name, and now feel that it's very much my name, too. Plus, it was a pain to change driving licenses etc, so I wouldn't rush to do it all again.

barbiedoll

Hello OP

Someone close to me was also a young widow. She kept her married name and used it until several years later, she started seeing someone else, this has now developed into a serious relationship. She has started using her maiden name again because she thought it was a little disrespectful to her husband's family to keep using her married name whilst living with another man, although it is still on her passport (she will change that at renewal next year). She has also taken off her wedding ring which she now wears around her neck on a chain.

Ultimately, it is whatever you feel is best for you. There is no right or wrong thing to do, if you think that using your maiden name will help you to move on, then you should do so. I'm sure your husband wouldn't have wanted you to fret over something like this, he loved you, and he would want you to be happy.