Belated Miscarriage Grief

thunderstruck

Hi all,

Sorry if there is a thread already out there for this, but I know that sadly there are members out there who have had a miscarriage and I was hoping for some guidance.

About 8 weeks ago I had a miscarriage (I was around 9 weeks), at the time I was obviously upset, however I try to be a positive and pro active person and, once the mc was confirmed, I went straight back to work with the positive thought that we could start trying again in a few weeks.

That brings us to today.
Still no period 8 weeks on. The first time in my life I actually want one.

I was administering a test this morning and started getting cramps and nausea just like I felt at the time of the mc. This really messed with me and I had to leave work and head home.

I made a doctors appt to check everything was ok and, as many of you probably know, there's not much you can do to kick start period fun times other than go about day to day life. The nurse was so lovely but I burst into tears in the middle of our consult. Later I cried on the phone to work when I told them I wouldn't be in tomorrow.

I'm not normally this person. I hate crying in front of others or feeling weak. I feel like I'm grieving for the lost baby (and in a way, all the lost chances of conceiving the last few months) - but I'm grieving 8 weeks too late. When I return to work I don't know what I'll tell them about my absence, belated grief doesn't seem like it should exist! I don't even know why I told them I'd be off... I may well be fine again by then.

Anyway, what I'm trying to ask is, did anyone else feel this way? I don't think I coped as well as I thought I had because I've gained about a stone since the mc, and I'm starting to feel... jealous I guess, of other people's babies (espesh my sister - we were due the same week).

Maybe I just need to vent and hopefully this post will help by letting my post anonymously, but any words of advice or support would be very welcomed!

Thanks a lot

tea_lover

I totally know what you mean. My m/c was over a year ago but the recent failure of our second ivf hasnt helped. I didn't deal with it at all at the time, nor this time. I've had no time off. Sounds odd I know but I haven't really thought about any of it, it's like my mind goes blank if I even go there. Feel like if I allow myself to think about any of it I won't recover. But I'm not sure how long I can hold it back for, its getting harder every day to keep pretending to be normal. Want to go to bed and stay there.

sleepymans

I could not read and run.....
Awww bless you. Serious times and you need lots of support through this.

I'm sorry I cannot offer any practical support, but I feel your pain.
I wish you the best of luck for the future.
A

mrsvicx

I dont really have any constructive advice Im afraid, but I can kind of relate. Im about 7 weeks behind you. I had a mc at the end of last week and have forced myself to carry on and get back to work as soon as possible.
I am bursting into tears at random moments, and feel as though I will never feel happy again.
So Im afraid, although I cant offer any advice, I wanted to give you a (hug)

Gelly123

Oh Thunderstruck, I truly understand how you feel.

It's such a horrible thing to go through (I had a missed MC in January) and at the time, being the type of person to just get on with things, you do just that but some weeks later, it can hit you like a ton of bricks.

There is a miscarriage thread on here and there are a number of us that have sadly been through it but do come on over and join us, talk through how you are feeling and perhaps we can help you get through this.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2236699

Many hugs
Gelly
x

Gigglepig

I don't think you are "late" - you need the space to grieve in your own time. So sorry to hear you are feeling down. There is no "right" time to get over a mc and for some the sorrow can last years.

Also I don't know how far you were, but it is a big adjustment for your body to go from pregnant to not pregnant. (Even when people give birth, the sudden drop in hormones can cause baby blues)

VJsmum

I know exactly how you feel.

It's difficult to know what to say, because I went through the same thing such a long time ago. I, too, miscarried at 9 weeks with my first pregnancy. It was in march. The whole of that summer I acted very strangely and very unlike me. I got totally paranoid and hypochondriacal about my health - looking for something to blame I think, and as you say bursting into tears all the time. I NEVER cry normally. Families made me sad, which was a shame as my best friend had her first two weeks after the miscarriage.

In desperation one night I phoned the miscarriage association. A lady answered who meant well, but had a screaming child in the background and just said "I was like you and now I have two kids. It gets better". Whilst I now know that she was right, it wasn't what I needed to hear at the time. I don't really know what I needed to hear. I didn't believe her that eventually it would be alright.

But by the end of the year I was pregnant again, and despite much angst, it was alright. I also now have two children - teenagers now. I rarely think of the lost baby - and it was a baby, even at nine weeks. Someone told me that you already think of them in bonnets and bootees, and you do. It is grief and, like all grief, you have to do your time, I am afraid.

But, eventually, it will be alright.

VJsmum

Also, 8 weeks isn't really belated.

You know that grief cycle? I think you might have gone through denial and maybe are now in acceptance.

thunderstruck

Thanks guys. Sometimes it helps to know that you're not alone in the grief process. VJsmum, I think you are right about the grief cycle. I've been avoiding taking pregnancy tests just to keep hold of the (non-existent) chance.

What kind of makes it worse is that we bought a dog - I've always wanted one but we knew it wasn't the right time with us both working. It was a replacement tactic probably and not well thought through. I love the dog but she's tearing up our house and the extra effort and money spent on buying her millions of chews etc to keep her happy (not to mention getting up an hour earlier each day to walk her twice), and that's probably not helping my peace of mind.

Gelly, thanks for the link, I'll peruse that tomorrow, I'm a big time lurker on some threads and I can add this to the list!

It's lovely how random people who have no clue who I am will take the time to send a message of support... It really makes the world around you brighter.

Thanks guys x

msb5262

Hi OP,

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss and about the way you are feeling at the moment.
Please be reassured that you are not alone and there is nothing odd or belated about the grief you are experiencing....if you come to the miscarriage thread, you'll notice that people come over not only just after miscarrying but often weeks, months and years afterwards.
It's a place where you will never find yourself alone, and many posters are able to gain and share comfort by talking about what's happened and sometimes about the actual treatment, advice or help they have received.

(Mods - please note it is of course NOT a place for medical advice, there has never been any suggestion of that).

You can drop in any time and find support.

Hope you feel a tiny bit less awful just from speaking up here - well done you.

Best wishes

MsB

savingmummy

(((hugs))) Sorry to hear fo your loss.
Its fine to be emotional, don`t forget your hormones are still over the place too.


I suffered 2 miscarriages 1 of which was a missed miscarriage and STILL now 7/9yrs on I often get emotional about it.