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Can my ex force me to sell my house?
vonvonvon
Posts: 38 Forumite
Hi, My husband left me last year; we married in 2007. We adopted two children together 2010 and have now parted. He moved in with me about 2004 after I started to buy my own home in about 2002. He kept his house but rented it out until about 2009 before we adopted, he sold it to pay towards extending mine to make room for the two new additions and to buy a seven-seater car.
He is 8 years younger than me and had no birth children, I had four children although three were older and living elsewhere. He initially didn't want children and so I was sterilised, he actually took me to the hospital for this procedure but then in 2006, he decided he did want children after all. By this time I was the wrong side of forty and had been sterilised. He borrowed money against his house and we tried ivf; I got pregnant first time only to lose the baby at about 10 weeks.
We then decided to adopt and married as we wanted to adopt jointly and (wrongly) thought we would have to be married. Three days after marrying him in October 2007, I discovered I had breast cancer. I should have trusted my instincts then, when his concern was not for my health and well-being but rather, how was this going to affect our chances of adoption.
Thankfully, the cancer was caught early and was treated with a lumpectomy and radiation treatment for a few weeks followed by five years of hormone therapy, Tamoxifen. At the time I was having surgery to cut the cancer out of my body, I later discovered that he was accessing !!!!!! on our computer but that's another story! Relevent though to later on.
Our adoption journey gathered pace again, after about a six month delay and the children were placed with us November 2010. They are both adorable children but because of the complex background, can both be very challenging at times. A year after arrival, one of the children developed a life-threatening illness which was very stressful. The two conditions which developed are now controlled by medication and hopefully, this will maintain the child's health indefinitely.
Our marriage crumbled under the strain not only of an adoption journey from hell, a cancer journey, financial strain, a building project on my house, two very demanding children and a child's previously unidentified ill-health. One of the final straws for me was my husband admitting that I didn't "float his boat", which is why he was accessing the !!!!!!. This explained why he very rarely came near me physically and why I felt so very lonely as a consequence.
We were told when we came forward to adopt these two children that we were their last chance for a 'forever family' because of their ages mainly. After placement there were big problems with behaviour and then the older child's illness. It was just after the illness that we decided to part after he (my husband) suggested it. The hardest part was continuing to live together until the adoption was finalised as neither of us could contemplate the children being taken back into care so we stayed living under the same roof until the adoption was complete.
During this (hell of a) fifteen month period; my husband inadvertently left his netbook open one evening and I saw that he was getting emails from no less than nine dating agencies. I didn't go into any of his mail but I did see his inbox which really took me by surprise.
Here we are today, now living separately, the two adopted children spending half the week with him and half with me. They are the innocent victims in this and we need to work together to minimise the damage of our separation.
He is putting me under a lot of emotional pressure to sell my house (mortgaged only in my name) to release the £30,000 or so that he paid to extend it.
My problem is, not only am I a 52 year old cancer survivor, but I have been plagued with ill-health since undergoing ivf to give him a child. (Kidney stones, pleurisy three times, a hysterectomy last year to reduce the chance of breast cancer returning - this operation went wrong and I was left with severe depression, now taking medication for this.)
I am now working 20 hours a week and am struggling with what two doctors think may be fibromyalgia which developed after last years surgery.
I cannot take on a bigger mortgage to pay him any money; I only now earn about £8,000 a year which, with the benefits I get for the older child as a dependent, is barely enough to manage on.
If I were to apply for a new mortgage I doubt if I would be successful, only working part time and with ill-health etc.
I have told him he will have to wait until the youngest child is 18 but still I get pressure from him which is having a bad effect on my fragile health status.
He has also caused additional problems by telling the two children that Mum's house (their 'forever' home) will have to be sold. Now they really are feeling unsettled, as if things were not bad enough for them, him moving and them having to get used to us living apart and we are now having massive behaviour problems with youngest who is already struggling with massive attachment issues.
He disclosed to me last year that he could raise £10,000 deposit and had enquired about a mortgage and was able to borrow £110,000; he has since changed jobs and had a pay rise.
He also has an endowment running which matures in May 2016 which should have paid off his original mortgage of £41,000 but because of a shortfall, will only realise about £34,000 but nevertheless, this would allow him to pay off a substantial amount of any mortgage he should take out today.
I don't know what to do for the best, and have so far resisted going to a solicitor because once I do, it then becomes a battle between two solicitors.
My main priority is to safeguard the two children's well-being as much as possible but if I feel my home is in jeopardy, then the underlying stress on me can manifest in other ways; more depression, lack of concentration, more ill-health, all of which are not helpful with any child, let alone my two adoptive children who have already had to cope with so much.
I just want to be able to concentrate on being the best Mum for these children without having to worry about my home, their home. I'm not saying he cannot have his money back, or 50% of the equity tied up in my house if that IS what he is entitled to; all I want is for the next ten years to be free from worry about BEING MADE TO SELL MY HOME.
If I were to rent a house now, I would be paying twice as much in rent as I am mortgage - it is just not practical.
He is 44 and working full-time on about £24,000 a year, I am 52 and working part time so I can take the children to school and pick them up after school, I earn about £8,000 a year; he can take on another 25 year mortgage, I can't: not a case of won't, but can't.
Can anyone give me some useful advice please or reassurance?
Many thanks in anticipation.
He is 8 years younger than me and had no birth children, I had four children although three were older and living elsewhere. He initially didn't want children and so I was sterilised, he actually took me to the hospital for this procedure but then in 2006, he decided he did want children after all. By this time I was the wrong side of forty and had been sterilised. He borrowed money against his house and we tried ivf; I got pregnant first time only to lose the baby at about 10 weeks.
We then decided to adopt and married as we wanted to adopt jointly and (wrongly) thought we would have to be married. Three days after marrying him in October 2007, I discovered I had breast cancer. I should have trusted my instincts then, when his concern was not for my health and well-being but rather, how was this going to affect our chances of adoption.
Thankfully, the cancer was caught early and was treated with a lumpectomy and radiation treatment for a few weeks followed by five years of hormone therapy, Tamoxifen. At the time I was having surgery to cut the cancer out of my body, I later discovered that he was accessing !!!!!! on our computer but that's another story! Relevent though to later on.
Our adoption journey gathered pace again, after about a six month delay and the children were placed with us November 2010. They are both adorable children but because of the complex background, can both be very challenging at times. A year after arrival, one of the children developed a life-threatening illness which was very stressful. The two conditions which developed are now controlled by medication and hopefully, this will maintain the child's health indefinitely.
Our marriage crumbled under the strain not only of an adoption journey from hell, a cancer journey, financial strain, a building project on my house, two very demanding children and a child's previously unidentified ill-health. One of the final straws for me was my husband admitting that I didn't "float his boat", which is why he was accessing the !!!!!!. This explained why he very rarely came near me physically and why I felt so very lonely as a consequence.
We were told when we came forward to adopt these two children that we were their last chance for a 'forever family' because of their ages mainly. After placement there were big problems with behaviour and then the older child's illness. It was just after the illness that we decided to part after he (my husband) suggested it. The hardest part was continuing to live together until the adoption was finalised as neither of us could contemplate the children being taken back into care so we stayed living under the same roof until the adoption was complete.
During this (hell of a) fifteen month period; my husband inadvertently left his netbook open one evening and I saw that he was getting emails from no less than nine dating agencies. I didn't go into any of his mail but I did see his inbox which really took me by surprise.
Here we are today, now living separately, the two adopted children spending half the week with him and half with me. They are the innocent victims in this and we need to work together to minimise the damage of our separation.
He is putting me under a lot of emotional pressure to sell my house (mortgaged only in my name) to release the £30,000 or so that he paid to extend it.
My problem is, not only am I a 52 year old cancer survivor, but I have been plagued with ill-health since undergoing ivf to give him a child. (Kidney stones, pleurisy three times, a hysterectomy last year to reduce the chance of breast cancer returning - this operation went wrong and I was left with severe depression, now taking medication for this.)
I am now working 20 hours a week and am struggling with what two doctors think may be fibromyalgia which developed after last years surgery.
I cannot take on a bigger mortgage to pay him any money; I only now earn about £8,000 a year which, with the benefits I get for the older child as a dependent, is barely enough to manage on.
If I were to apply for a new mortgage I doubt if I would be successful, only working part time and with ill-health etc.
I have told him he will have to wait until the youngest child is 18 but still I get pressure from him which is having a bad effect on my fragile health status.
He has also caused additional problems by telling the two children that Mum's house (their 'forever' home) will have to be sold. Now they really are feeling unsettled, as if things were not bad enough for them, him moving and them having to get used to us living apart and we are now having massive behaviour problems with youngest who is already struggling with massive attachment issues.
He disclosed to me last year that he could raise £10,000 deposit and had enquired about a mortgage and was able to borrow £110,000; he has since changed jobs and had a pay rise.
He also has an endowment running which matures in May 2016 which should have paid off his original mortgage of £41,000 but because of a shortfall, will only realise about £34,000 but nevertheless, this would allow him to pay off a substantial amount of any mortgage he should take out today.
I don't know what to do for the best, and have so far resisted going to a solicitor because once I do, it then becomes a battle between two solicitors.
My main priority is to safeguard the two children's well-being as much as possible but if I feel my home is in jeopardy, then the underlying stress on me can manifest in other ways; more depression, lack of concentration, more ill-health, all of which are not helpful with any child, let alone my two adoptive children who have already had to cope with so much.
I just want to be able to concentrate on being the best Mum for these children without having to worry about my home, their home. I'm not saying he cannot have his money back, or 50% of the equity tied up in my house if that IS what he is entitled to; all I want is for the next ten years to be free from worry about BEING MADE TO SELL MY HOME.
If I were to rent a house now, I would be paying twice as much in rent as I am mortgage - it is just not practical.
He is 44 and working full-time on about £24,000 a year, I am 52 and working part time so I can take the children to school and pick them up after school, I earn about £8,000 a year; he can take on another 25 year mortgage, I can't: not a case of won't, but can't.
Can anyone give me some useful advice please or reassurance?
Many thanks in anticipation.
Vonvonvon:happylove
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Comments
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Sorry, I don't have the patience to read all that but the short answer is "yes, he can". But he's likely to need a court-order to force a sale, and even then the court could decide that it won't have to be sold until the children have ceased to be dependents. Getting a court-order to force a sale is not a cheap or easy option. It could cost thousands and thousands. And then fail0
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My goodness. How dreadful for you. You've had a really rough time. I'm so sorry.
Presumably he will be paying you maintenance for the two children you adopted?
I'm no expert but from what I've seen from friends and family divorces, I think the courts may say the house should be appointed in your favour until they are 18 but I'm not 100%. anyway what does he expect you to do? Where does he want his children to live?Sealed pot challenge member #325
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Target £246 / £5000 -
You really need legal advice but as the marriage lasted more than five years and you have two children together (the fact they are adopted makes no difference) who need extra care there is a good chance that spousal support may be payable as well as child support until the children are finished with education or are 18.
Get proper advice so you can reassure the children that there is a clear plan ahead for their security.
I discovered the other day my fiance was awarded 30% of his matrimonial house twenty odd years ago. His ex has had another child since who is now 15 (his children with her are now in their 20s) and he has never bothered yet going after it whilst she had dependents and she's still there so there are some men who do think children's homes are important.I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole
MSE Florida wedding .....no problem0 -
No, he doesn't pay any maintenance; one child is registered with him and one child is registered with me so we each receive child benefit and some tax credit to help with the bills. The reality is that we each have both children for part of the week. Usually Wednesday to Saturday lunch with me, then Saturday afternoon until Wednesday morning with him.
They now have 'two homes', one with me (my mortgaged home) and one with him (his rented home).
He doesn't like renting and wants his own home but he want's me to sell up and then rent so that he can own a home instead of me.
So frustrating, I want to do whatever I can to secure this house for the children; they have been through enough uncertainty already.
I must stress that I get no financial support from him at all and don't want any either, but likewise, he gets no financial support from me.Vonvonvon:happylove0 -
Tell him to eff off and step up the child maintenance payments.
DO NOT under any circumstances whatsoever agree to a divorce without sorting the financials between you. You might have to sell up and share the equity with him one day, but not now while your children are dependents.
He's harassing you and being very, VERY cruel to your children, plus he's attempting to abuse you financially. Be strong and tell him where to get off. Oh, and at his age he should be earning more so he needs to get a better paying job when he has two children to support. Children HE wanted and has since deserted. Eff him!
Sounds like he's not "floating your boat" right now but you have much better reasons than having a close and meaningful relationship with your right hand......0 -
BitterAndTwisted wrote: »Tell him to eff off and step up the child maintenance payments.
DO NOT under any circumstances whatsoever agree to a divorce without sorting the financials between you. You might have to sell up and share the equity with him one day, but not now while your children are dependents.
He's harassing you and being very, VERY cruel to your children, plus he's attempting to abuse you financially. Be strong and tell him where to get off. Oh, and at his age he should be earning more so he needs to get a better paying job when he has two children to support. Children HE wanted and has since deserted. Eff him!
Sounds like he's not "floating your boat" right now but you have much better reasons than having a close and meaningful relationship with your right hand......
are we reading the same thread? The OP says they officially have one child residing with them each, and in reality they have both kids half the week each. So how has the guy deserted his kids?
I don't agree with the way he is attempting to put pressure on the OP into selling the family home, and I think she should get legal advice on that issue.0 -
It doesn't matter that you have one child each - child support (amounting to 20% of income ) should be paid. As he earns more than you he should still be paying you for that child more than you pay him for the other child. (Whose daft idea was that -his by any chance ? The cynic in me says he wants to be able to claim to be a "parent" to gain leverage over his claim on the property) That 20% will be reduced in both cases by the number of nights you have each child you aren't claiming child support and CTC for "staying" but he will still be obliged to pay you as your income is so much lower than his.
YOU don't need his financial support but your children do and deserve it.
You need to stop regarding your finances as joint - they aren't you are separated (and are claiming as two families) and you don't need to "help with his bills" anymore. He's an adult not a child.
so 20% of his income to you
20% of your income to him
(both less allowances for nights over 52 in the year they stay with the NRP)
nett he owes youI Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole
MSE Florida wedding .....no problem0 -
OP, I suggest you contact the charity Shelter for a chat - they are the experts on housing.But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,Had the whole of their cash in his care.
Lewis Carroll0 -
balletshoes wrote: »are we reading the same thread? The OP says they officially have one child residing with them each, and in reality they have both kids half the week each. So how has the guy deserted his kids?
I don't agree with the way he is attempting to put pressure on the OP into selling the family home, and I think she should get legal advice on that issue.
Cross-posted while more information was coming in.
The idea that each has one child "officially" living with them and the kids spend 50% of each week with either parent sounds like a very elegant dodge to me. I wonder whose brilliant idea that was?
I don't think he's likely to get away with forcing a sale but I'd like to see him waste his money on trying. Selling up so he has a deposit to buy a property and the OP will have to go into rented? There's only one way to describe him but the board's censorship won't let me.
****ing ****0 -
If I were him I would write the money off.....
Sadly, he can force the sale.We’ve had to remove your signature. Please check the Forum Rules if you’re unsure why it’s been removed and, if still unsure, email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com0
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