Grrrr families

Counting_Pennies_2

Sorry bit of a rant!


My 2 sisters (older than me) have always organised things and made me accept/agree. Always treated as a child right into my 20s. One memorable event was my dad's 60th birthday bash where they decided on the hall, food and decorations, and I was to just pay my 1/3 and turn up. When I arrived to help I suggested I put up the decorations, so was allowed to blow up the balloons, when I went to put them up in the hall, I was halted immediately, and they decided where it would go. My now DH said don't worry let it go, you will be arranging our wedding soon, you can do all the organising then, but it was so stark then, and no matter what I said it wasn't listened to.


I know this should not rile me, it is what has always gone on, but the latest issue does.


We have purchased for my mother's birthday a plaque in a charitable trust's adventure park to mark her 70th birthday. It is several hours drive away from all of our houses. It was what she wanted for her birthday, so we gave it to her. Or rather as with everything else, my sister discussed with my mum and then with my other sister and then told me what was happening and how much. This is normal, no matter what fuss I have made it has always been this way. It riles me no end.


At the point of purchasing the plaque my two sisters discussed that a trip to said park would be a great idea, and arranged the date we would all be attending, booked up my parents in a caravan park for their summer holiday just round the corner and booked the date we as a family were all going to go for a day trip. She then called me and told me the date and said if I wanted to go we were welcome to join them!!


So put date in diary. Told her that actually we are booked for our summer holiday then, so will end up cutting it short by 3 days and come back to attend the family gathering. That if she had contacted me at the point they were discussing this we could have all arranged a suitable date (she did this 6 months before our Mother's 70th birthday, so not something I could have tried to pre-empt an issue with a call of 'shall we discuss mum's birthday present)


So today, after having already changed our holiday plans, she then contacts me with a new date (a couple of days earlier than the one she had stated) told me where they will be staying for a couple of nights and by the way the hotel is now full so book yourselves somewhere else if you want to stay over. I contacted the other sister and asked if she would like to stay in a hotel all together seeing as other sisters hotel is full, only to find sister who is arranging this has already booked her and her DD into that hotel at the time she made her booking.


Grrrrrrr, I want to scream and shout, and I want to email back a whole load of 'do you know how this feels like to me' but after 40 years of this, there will be no change and I will end up looking like the awkward little sister who always causes issues and spoils the event. So I will stay quiet and we will either drive down or stay somewhere else.


I just wanted to go grrrr

Georgiegirl256

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

and I will end up looking like the awkward little sister who always causes issues and spoils the event.

Do you alwayscause issues and spoil the events? I don't mean to sound harsh, but this stood out to me and it made me wonder if this is perhaps a reason why you don't get asked your opinion about vents etc? It's easier for them to just organise things and then fill you in later on?

marisco_2

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

My 2 sisters (older than me) have always organised things and made me accept/agree. Always treated as a child right into my 20s.

They still are treating you like a child, by dropping things on you and expecting you to agree to them and contribute financially, without any previous discussion. By going along with this each time you have enabled them too. Either you have to start standing your ground and be prepared to say no when arrangements don't suit you, or they will always walk all over you and disregard your feelings.

Seanymph

Stop doing what you've always done - and then they will do something different.

You have given them no reason to change what they are doing.

So, you need to, as an adult, set your own boundaries.

Personally I wouldn't have cut my holiday short - I would be assertive enough to say 'if you'd given me more warning, or consulted with me, I would have loved to have come, but unfortunately we are away on holiday'.

I then would have spoken to my mum and said 'I'm devastated we are missing the weekend - and then arranged to do something with her to mark the occasion.

Your resentment is caused by your own passive aggressive way of dealing with it.

Don't go along with something and then kick off because you aren't happy with something you have gone along with. If you aren't happy to go along with it say something, and follow your own path.

It sounds like you are stuck in a pattern - but you are keeping up your half of the pattern - change it. They may change what they do, and they may not, but you have complete responsibility for how you allow this to affect your life.

Counting_Pennies_2

Thanks for your replies. I have always said please can you consult me.

When the first date was mentioned I decided to make a stand and say that I was very disappointed they didnt include me in the discussions and in the future could they consider calling me first to discuss

At the birthday meal my other sister said to an acquaintance it is the difficulty of three sisters all wanting to be top dog. Ultimately the older ones get the say. I have tried a variety of options in the past. Getting cross, not attending events and making a stand, asking for them to consult me before the final decision is made. Nothing changes

I moved 100 miles away when DH was relocated and that helped enormously to give me distance from it all. I now try not to see them that often because this happens all the time.

Soleil_lune

Yep, typical behaviour towards the youngest. Don't stand for it and tell them how you feel. Although do be prepared for them to take no notice!

*max*

Why don't you organise something yourself then, come up with a fresh idea? If you've always been seen as the one who always goes along with whatever is organised but never actually organises anything herself, then that's how it'll always be if you are not proactive about it. It's much more difficult to propose ideas or changes once a project is in place, and it can be annoying for the organisers too, especially if you are doing it from far away.

Counting_Pennies_2

marisco wrote: »

They still are treating you like a child, by dropping things on you and expecting you to agree to them and contribute financially, without any previous discussion. By going along with this each time you have enabled them too. Either you have to start standing your ground and be prepared to say no when arrangements don't suit you, or they will always walk all over you and disregard your feelings.

I agree with you, it is so hard though.


My DD's christening had to be changed because my parents decided it was the only date they could possibly go on holiday. I should have gone ahead with the christening regardless, but wanting everyone there we postponed it. I responded several times saying I thought they were being very unreasonable asking us to move a date booked in the diary and change all the guests arrangements, but they did it regardless.


I have been torn between totally cutting ties from a very dysfunctional family to wanting my children to be aware of their family, so there is no mythical family out there for fantasies to run away in their minds.


They also love seeing their cousins on the once a year occasion we do meet up as a family unit.


I guess it saddens me that at no point do they consider my feelings in all this. Despite me asking them, pleading them, getting cross with them. No matter what I say or do they carry on regardless. I have not attended events making a stand and that distances them even further and gives them the justification to say I am a difficult one.


grrrrr


So I guess it is a choice between appearing the unreasonable one yet again and refusing to attend, or attending and feeling riled. Either way I don't win and their behaviour doesn't change

MrsAtobe

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

Sorry bit of a rant!


My 2 sisters (older than me) have always organised things and made me accept/agree. Always treated as a child right into my 20s. One memorable event was my dad's 60th birthday bash where they decided on the hall, food and decorations, and I was to just pay my 1/3 and turn up. When I arrived to help I suggested I put up the decorations, so was allowed to blow up the balloons, when I went to put them up in the hall, I was halted immediately, and they decided where it would go. My now DH said don't worry let it go, you will be arranging our wedding soon, you can do all the organising then, but it was so stark then, and no matter what I said it wasn't listened to.


I know this should not rile me, it is what has always gone on, but the latest issue does.


We have purchased for my mother's birthday a plaque in a charitable trust's adventure park to mark her 70th birthday. It is several hours drive away from all of our houses. It was what she wanted for her birthday, so we gave it to her. Or rather as with everything else, my sister discussed with my mum and then with my other sister and then told me what was happening and how much. This is normal, no matter what fuss I have made it has always been this way. It riles me no end.


At the point of purchasing the plaque my two sisters discussed that a trip to said park would be a great idea, and arranged the date we would all be attending, booked up my parents in a caravan park for their summer holiday just round the corner and booked the date we as a family were all going to go for a day trip. She then called me and told me the date and said if I wanted to go we were welcome to join them!!


So put date in diary. Told her that actually we are booked for our summer holiday then, so will end up cutting it short by 3 days and come back to attend the family gathering. That if she had contacted me at the point they were discussing this we could have all arranged a suitable date (she did this 6 months before our Mother's 70th birthday, so not something I could have tried to pre-empt an issue with a call of 'shall we discuss mum's birthday present)


So today, after having already changed our holiday plans, she then contacts me with a new date (a couple of days earlier than the one she had stated) told me where they will be staying for a couple of nights and by the way the hotel is now full so book yourselves somewhere else if you want to stay over. I contacted the other sister and asked if she would like to stay in a hotel all together seeing as other sisters hotel is full, only to find sister who is arranging this has already booked her and her DD into that hotel at the time she made her booking.


Grrrrrrr, I want to scream and shout, and I want to email back a whole load of 'do you know how this feels like to me' but after 40 years of this, there will be no change and I will end up looking like the awkward little sister who always causes issues and spoils the event. So I will stay quiet and we will either drive down or stay somewhere else.


I just wanted to go grrrr

Email them back, explaining that as they already knew that you are on holiday during that period, and you've already changed your holiday plans once to meet the date, that it is with reluctance that you will be unable to attend. Organise something else with your mum at a time suitable for you both.

I do sympathise, as the youngest of three I often have to change plans to keep the peace, or be told what to do. I hate it as well, the last family row was because I wouldn't buy my BiL's mother's house so that his life was easier, and he kept harping on about it, to the point that my OH blew up and told him a few home truths. My BiL still won't talk to my OH, but will accept his help when needed. I have had to withdraw from the once close relationship I had with my sister, as she has chosen to side completely with her husband, despite my repeatedly having told her that, as we were both adults in our 40's, we would do what was right for us and no-one else, and yes, we had taken on board his advice, but had chosen to do what was best for us as a couple.

barba

I now refuse to put up with bullying and bad behaviour from my family.

I've lost more than a few as they are bad behaving bullies but kept my morals and sanity.

FBaby

I have always said please can you consult me.

Like Max, I am wondering whether there has been a habit set since your childhood that you have the tendency to go along with what is organised rather than doing yourself, that it suited you for some time, because it is quite nice at times for others to arrange things and for us just to go along with it, but that it is more recently you've started to resent it.

Do you ever arrange anything and then consult them to make sure it suits around their needs? I am not great at organising things in my social life (do enough at work), but I accept that if others are going to do it, it might not be just as I would like it. That's the price to pay for not dealing with the stress of being the organiser.

Unfortunately, if it's been like this for many years, they probably feel they know better how to organise events so that even if you proposed to do the next, they might not be keen, but stand to your position and tell them it would mean a lot to you to do so.