Grrrr families

Scrapaholic

As an only child I've no experience of this happening . It would be a shame to miss the family thing with your mother but you did have your own plans . I don't think I'd have cut our holiday short if we'd already booked it etc. You could do something special with your mum later . Sometimes you have to put yourself and your own family first and think of their needs too . This seems to have gone on a long time , maybe it's just the way it is . If you can't change it then make the decision that you're not going to let it bother you anymore .

charlie-chan

I have siblings like this and I am lucky if they give me a month's notice on anything.

They have not made an effort to come see me and OH at all yet they message me and state that I should go see them more often. We live 3 hours away each way and we would rather do the journey when we can rather than when they state we should.

newcook

So does this mean that you will now have to change your holiday again?! I wouldn’t have changed it the first time to be honest and told them I already had my holiday booked for that time.

Next time they arrange a present and tell you how much you owe just say ‘thanks but Ive already got my gift sorted’. Maybe after a few times of them having to split the cost in half rather than in 3 ways will help them realize that they should consult you.

KxMx

Maybe instead if trying a variety of approaches, you could pick the one which makes you happy (or the least annoyed) and stick to it, be consistent.

Your family probably think you'll fall in eventually with what they want- because despite protests etc that's what you've perhaps always done.

ska_lover

Seanymph wrote: »

Stop doing what you've always done - and then they will do something different.

You have given them no reason to change what they are doing.

So, you need to, as an adult, set your own boundaries.

Personally I wouldn't have cut my holiday short - I would be assertive enough to say 'if you'd given me more warning, or consulted with me, I would have loved to have come, but unfortunately we are away on holiday'.

I then would have spoken to my mum and said 'I'm devastated we are missing the weekend - and then arranged to do something with her to mark the occasion.

Your resentment is caused by your own passive aggressive way of dealing with it.

Don't go along with something and then kick off because you aren't happy with something you have gone along with. If you aren't happy to go along with it say something, and follow your own path.

It sounds like you are stuck in a pattern - but you are keeping up your half of the pattern - change it. They may change what they do, and they may not, but you have complete responsibility for how you allow this to affect your life.

Totally this.

bargainbetty

I have a family member who does this kind of thing, and has even tried to rearrange plans made with other people in my family (by asking for childcare at late notice etc, but suggesting that I come over as well rather than cancelling altogether!)

One year, I was contacted regarding a group gift. I agreed, more out of resignation than anything, until the next message. It advised me that my share of the present was X amount, and since my birthday was nearly due and the person usually spent Y, she would just deduct my birthday present from the amount owed and I could just give her the remainder.

I made it very clear to her (and the extended family) that I found it utterly inappropriate to behave in such a manner, and that in future, I would keep my own counsel regarding all presents, events etc. If they want me there, they consult me first regarding dates. I will not make any further changes for them, nor will I get involved in group deals. Not after being 'deducted' like that.

(This was the year after I wanted a Chinese meal for my birthday, and she refused because her kids wouldn't eat it. I went elsewhere, with her approval, and listened as her children complained that they didn't really fancy anything, and asked why we hadn't gone for a Chinese meal instead. Turned out she was on a diet and didn't want the fried food).

You choose how it affects you. Tell them you can't change the dates again. Tell them you won't be able to be there, but hope they have a lovely time. Book something else your mum and in future, politely refuse their plans unless they actually suit you. Emailing them both to say that you can't make it because of the changes they have made without asking you, rather than going along with it and grumbling, might be more effective.

pollypenny

My sister rearranged her wedding for a time she knew that we would be on holiday, we'd taken her with us twice!

There was hell to pay when we expressed disappointment that we wouldn't be there,

She's the youngest, by the way.

gunsandbanjos

I'd stop paying my 1/3 if I were you if you aren't being consulted. I'm more than happy to pay my way generally but I wouldn't in this situation.

minimoneysaver

Why, if you feel like this, are you going in on presents with them? Why don't you just buy your own present? You are enabling them to maintain control by giving them the money to get the presents. Madness!

jackieblack

"If you always do what you've always done then you'll always get what you've always got"

My husband used to be treated like this by his 3 older brothers. There is 5 years between the oldest and youngest of the 3, then a 7 year gap then my DH, so to them he was always 'the baby brother'.

It only stopped when he took a stand (the first time it was something to do with their mother's funeral) and maintained that on the next few occasions. Eventually they stopped completely, but he was nearly 40 by then.

(I think they blame me :rotfl: . )