splitting up with my partner :(

[Deleted User]

You've all been through an awful time. Even without all the other things, just having a serious viral illness can have a depressive effect.

I know its not easy if you are working away from home, but is there any chance of either of you getting some counselling?

Your wife might be pretty fatigued looking after three kids and dealing with all the things that have happened too. Is it possible to sort some time off for her.., friends or relatives helping her with childcare so she can have some 'me' time. Its very very important.

Can you sort some relaxing time for the both of you? Cook a nice meal etc., just talk about nothing in particular.

When you are dealing with all these stressful situations, you can lose the 'lets have a good time' button because you've both just been too busy getting from one crisis to another and surviving.

Have you tried the debt advice part of the forum to see if there are things you can do to help with the financial situation?

stressed_out_dad

hi ladies and gents,

unfortunately after several months of trying near enough everything suggested the inevitable looks like its going to happen.

Strangely we are gettign on well and both agree this is for the best as the love just isnt there anymore, and although we hae 3 children together my partner only 28 would love more and personally me at 31 i have had a vascectomy and have no plans for more.

My only real concern over this split is the kids , we live in a lovely area in a detached 4 bed and this will have to be sold as there is no way either of us can afford to keep it , we are not married and mortgage is only in my name as we couldnt get the rerquired mortgage with both on it due to partner stay at home mum.

I just cant bare the thought of the children having to move to a new area new school etc but the rentals in the area are astronomical, i can move in with my aunt as my partner will have the kids most of the time so will eb on my own but ive no idea where the kids and my partner will end up and this scares me to death.

I still love my partner but moreso as friends than anything else and only want the best for her ,we make each other miserable and this is not a happy home although we dont fight in front of kids or at all we both have no motivation or lust for life it has drained us we are effectively living dead

i was just wandering if anyone had been in this situation before as i feel riddled with guilt as the house sale will remove all the debt from my life and ill be sorted for accomodation i cant for the life of me think where my kids will end up in all this.

any help or advie would be appreciated as we are effectively now purely together out of fear for the kids.

Primrose

Well if you say you are getting on well, I still think you should continue trying to make a go of it. Most couples splitting up are at each others' throats 24/7 . You describe yourselves as living dead. You are probably both physically and emotionally exhausted. Is there any chance you could get in laws or family to take the children off your hands for a week so that you can both try and rediscover some time together and what it was that attracted you to each other in the first place.

thorsoak

Although I do not advocate staying together "for the sake of the children" I do wonder whether all the seeking perfection in looks is being extended into all aspects of life - and life ain't all perfect.

Can you possibly try sticking to it - as you do a job that you don't like because you need the money - for a while? I know that there were periods in my 48 year marriage when life wasn't all fluffy pink clouds and romance under the stars - it was sheer, bloody hard work - when my OH had a serious accident, when the building work wasn't going right, when the teenagers were stroppy, when we felt for a while that life was just one long slog. But things can get better - and things did - and passion which seemed to have been spent returns and once again, she is the girl that you got together with in the first time, and you are the guy that she fancies the pants off!

Think of what you all will lose - is it worth another try?

stressed_out_dad

cheers for the replies to be hones twe are getting on better because we both seem to have accepted the decision and its almost like relief.

as for the long slog ive been trying for approx. 2 years now to tough it out and it doesnt seem to be getting any better and last 6 month have been worse as i couldnt fake the smile any longer and couldnt bare to even be in the same bed as my partner and this has led to resentment now and instead of one unhappy person in this relationship, we are both miserable.

we both want each other to be happy we both want the kids to be happy the only reason this has lasted this long is because of the kids and now it seems like its went so far but it scares me that maybe this is the wrong decision for the kids i dont want them to ave a tainted view on what a family is like i always wanted them to have a stable secure family and now im not giving them this and it scares me to death.

Seanymph

If you have a brain injury it can take years to get back onto an even keel.

And it affects people in strange ways.

Could your failure to share a bed with your wife be a post illness thing at all?

stressed_out_dad

big thanks to all on this post but looks like minds have been made we are going to split up we have a solicitor coming out tomorrow and house market etc is doing well where i am so hopefully we can both come out of this in a good situation financially and move forward as good parents living apart .

i feel so much for the kids who will be shocked and upset by this but in the long run the little people will have a happy life with 2 happy parents instead of what they have now

thanks again for the replies its been very helpful but unfortunately we have both been trying so long eventually you have to accept that soemtimes its just not going to be the fairytale we all hoped it would be