splitting up with my partner :(

stressed_out_dad

I was looking for some help and advice.

My partner and i haven't been happy for a year or 2 now and it looks like its coming to an end we both seem to have fallen out of love and spend our life at the moment making each other unhappy.

We have been talking recently about maybe making the split but we have 3 young kids. 2,4 & 6.

we have both come to terms with this it seems and their is no hostility my issue is our arrangement.

As things stand we have been in this house 3 years it is solely in my name although i am aware 50% is my partners.

the mortgage is very high we are in negative equity and part of the deposit is still owed to my parents.

My partner would never be able to afford the house on her own and i will struggle with that and maintenance.

The bit that gets me most is that i went for this house for my children to grow up in i want them to stay their but i also know that children are better with their mothers and i could never dare take them from her (i also know i will get all the access i need , whenever i am home from offshore i will see them every day).

i guess im just needing some advice i never envisaged this situation and im at a loss of what to do but if i leave the house with my partner for my kids id never be able to afford to rent my own place.

it seems the only way is to try and sell the home (near impossible due to negative equity) . some advice would be much appreciated i just want the best for my family but realise by doing so i would be stuck at my mothers for the next 15 years

Alchemilla

So sorry to hear this. If the issue is simply "fallen out of love" and you have three young children and money issues, could you not seek some relate-style help which might be cheaper in the longer term?

monty-doggy

Have you checked if she will be eligible for mortgage support so she could keep the house going?

jetplane

Three very young children, high mortgage, money owed, you working away from home. It doesn't sound like much fun at the moment and I think many couples would find this difficult so maybe it's your situation that makes you feel unhappy rather than each other? It is easy to stop paying each other attention, compliments and respect when real life takes over.

How does your wife feel and how do you both cope with stress or difficult times? Do you have any family or friends who could offer support?

I wouldn't want to lecture you but as the above poster said have you thought of counselling? Marriage can be really hard work at times and we can lose sight of what really matters.

However if there is no staying together then you really do need to look at what you can afford, how to repay your parents, what your wife's benefit and maintenance entitlements would be. If she were on Income Support any help with mortgage interest, free school meals, free nursery places may go some way to helping. If she is working then there would be no mortgage interest but free nursery places are still available including for your 2 year old if her income is low. Remember any child maintenance paid is ignored for benefit purposes.

If you both do have to move can the house be rented? Have you checked your maintenance payments on the .gov calculator?

PeacefulWaters

Invest in counselling if you haven't done so already.

Even if it fails you will have the knowledge of having given it a decent crack. If it does work there are a lot of winners.

Alter_ego

monty-doggy wrote: »

Have you checked if she will be eligible for mortgage support so she could keep the house going?

But, as said, she doesn't have a mortgage.

monty-doggy

Alter_ego wrote: »

But, as said, she doesn't have a mortgage.

Doh! Lazy morning and baby brain

Morglin

As you are away a lot, have you thought if doing what a lot of separating couples in negative equity do now - live as housemates?

No longer a couple, but still parents, and still friends, who are polite and respectful to each other. No new expenses, and in a few years, you can look at other options.

It seems to work for some couples.

Lin

BigAunty

Morglin wrote: »

As you are away a lot, have you thought if doing what a lot of separating couples in negative equity do now - live as housemates?

It probably does work for some couples but assuming she's not in employment and has no large sums of capital, she would get child benefit, income support and child tax credits of around £330 or so per week which gets compromised by living together as it's hard to show the benefits authority they aren't a couple if they co-habit. Plus housing benefit for a 2 or 3 bedroom property. The child support the OP pays is paid on top and doesn't affect her benefits.

I guestimated £330 a week - does anyone know if this is still accurate as this was based on figures I read a while back.

Their decision won't be influenced by benefits but their living arrangements can impact her independence from him, albeit replaced with dependence on the state.

To the OP, to understand your rights and options, plus her rights and options for the property, see the Shelter website which has a relationship breakdown section. You need to research now whether she could get an occupancy order to stay in the property until the youngest turns 18.

See a solicitor to understand your legal obligations in separating.

Go to the Child support board to understand your obligations there. I believe the non-resident parent is expected by the CSA to pay around 25% of their net income for 3 kids - how much would this be? There's nothing to stop you from arranging your own mutually agreed payments but that's what the CSA will seek if she contacts them.

Seanymph

Have a read of the Sixty Minute Marriage, and a big think.

It's a hard time with littleys and little money, I remember it well.

It is hard to 'stay in love' - it takes a lot of effort, and I know there is a little effort left at the end of the day at that point of your life.

Have a long hard look at your partner, remember the great stuff, turn up with flowers.

Surely giving what you have a good crack is a better thing for six months than working out who gets the house?

stressed_out_dad

thanks for the help folks definitely something for me to think about

we aregoing to have a sit down when im home and try and sort some stuff out , i was off sick last year after being left in a coma at work for a week after a virus spread to my brain so it has been a difficult 12 months.

the end result is mortgage arrears (arranged) credit card maxed as i was on 50% wage and finally statutory for the best part. so had to use these too pay the bills etc.

Im sure we will be fine just like too know our options . thanks.