Changed my mind....now I'm getting worried.

theoretica

How are your dress up and make up skills? Could you go in disguise so your own mother won't recognise you? You would probably need to slip in quietly and away and not socialise much (especially with people you would want to have your real name) but you could at least be there.

peachyprice

I can understand completely you wanting to be there for your brother, but in your shoes I would 100% not want my child anywhere near, I would be leaving him at home with his father.

duchy

peachyprice wrote: »

I can understand completely you wanting to be there for your brother, but in your shoes I would 100% not want my child anywhere near, I would be leaving him at home with his father.

I wouldn't take the child but I wouldn't want to go alone either ! I'd want my OH there to support me.

Do you have someone reliable you could leave your son with.....If not and you are staying overnight I'd book a decent hotel nearby (not the venue of the reception to avoid encounters when your son is with you) making sure they can book you a registered babysitter for the entire reception and prebook it.

Attend the ceremony and make an exit afterwards to drop your son off (or have your son at the hotel whilst you go to the ceremony). You probably won't be able to avoid all conversation with your Mum but it'll be a lot easier to keep it to the superficial and move on if you are a couple rather than a family group if she approaches you.
Obviously ask your brother to seat you as far from her as possible at the reception.

atrixblue.-MFR-.

like others said GO your going for your brother and you.
If approached before or after the ceremony reinforce to her as she approaches that your here for your bro not her you do not wish to talk by turning away from her and talking to someone else, if she tries to grab your attention by touching say im here for bro not you leave me alone I don't want to know!.

duchy

I guess you are at the wedding now so good luck and I hope it all went well xx

Top_Girl

I know exactly how you feel, I too had a horrible childhood and haven't spoken to or seen my mother in nearly seven years.

It's my brother's funeral in a fortnight and since his sudden death, she has been trying to use this to get back 'in' for want of a better term, to the point where I think my grief has been superceded by anger and disgust at her behaviour.

I am going and taking two lifelong friends who know exactly how manipulative and selfish she is and who are prepared to keep her away from me without causing a scene. It's ridiculous that it has had to come to this but it is the only way that I am comfortable attending at all.

Hope it has gone as well as it can for you.

Pollycat

I hope the day went well for everybody.

sacha28

Hi guys, thought I would update how the day went (been at work all day so haven't had chance up to now)......

As expected I reverted back to feeling like a 5 year old when we got there and found my mother was doing the meet and greet! I was shaking and really just wanted to turn and run!!!! Luckily my SIL's family know the situation and her sister was there in a flash to usher us in the back way into her room until we were ready to face things.

Everything went really well, we sat at the back away from it all. We managed to avoid any contact for about 3 hours until my brother, a few drinks worse for wear, asked me and OH if we would consider allowing her to say hello. I have to say I really didn't want to talk to her and the idea made me feel physically ill but we agreed as I adore my brother, and his wife, and I just wanted to make sure their day went without any unease or conflict (totally against my better judgement!!).

My dad was the first to approach me. I have always missed my dad, we were very close and he has always been stuck in the middle. If they didn't come as a package I would happily see him every day! He told me my mother had changed, my answer was that I don't think anyone can changed as drastically as she needs to. I wasn't rude but I wanted him to understand that this was only happening because of my brother, there wasn't going to be some amazing reconciliation, it was one day that we could be civil but that's where it ends. I don't think he got it!!

When my mother approached her first words were 'I don't know what happened but I just want to forget it and move on' I answered 'and there in lies the problem, again you don't know what happened. This is about bro and SIL and nothing about us. This is their day.' She met my son, only because he knocked her flying on a bike (good boy ). She asked if he knew who they were. No, why would he?

We were civil (OH and I) and we spoke when we were spoken to but that's where it ends.

I couldn't have done it without my OH, he was right behind supporting all the way.

So I feel I have done my duty as sister extraordinaire, I set aside my animosity for the most important day of his life and he thanked me personally in his speech for going so I know it meant a lot to him and his new wife. Thank god it's over and I can go back to how things were, I'm happy without her and have been for nearly 6 years.

And, if I ever waivered about whether she has changed or not, the fact that a member of my SIL's family over-heard her saying 'she doesn't look right as a mother' was enough to put me straight!!!!!

marisco_2

sacha28 wrote: »

And, if I ever waivered about whether she has changed or not, the fact that a member of my SIL's family over-heard her saying 'she doesn't look right as a mother' was enough to put me straight!!!!!

Thank you for updating us. I was thinking of you and wondering how you got along yesterday. You should feel very proud for conducting yourself with such dignity. Take what your mother said as a back handed compliment. Please let me explain. Of course you don't look right as a mother in the eyes of the nasty, cruel person that is your mother. To see someone being loving, caring, responsible, and setting a good example to their own child would be a totally alien concept to her. To look right as a mother in her eyes, a person would have to be being aggressive, violent and neglectful wouldn't they! Just as she always was.

sacha28

And I just want to say to you all.....thanks so much for the words of encouragement. Marisoco, I actually had a little tear in my eye when I read the 1st paragraph of your post.

Me, my OH and my son come as a package and I never considered not going with them. My son gets on really well with his cousins (bro's 2 little boys) and it would have been such a shame for him to miss out on seeing them.