Changed my mind....now I'm getting worried.

sacha28

Ok so today my little brother is getting married :j This is a day that I never thought would happen as I just never thought he was the 'marrying kind' (whatever that really means!) Originally I said that I wasn't going to go but we were both really gutted about this so I changed my mind and now I am.

Background.....As many of you will already know, I had a terrible upbringing. My mother was just vile, she was violent, mentally abusive and just generally rubbish. Nearly 6 years ago I made the decision that enough was enough and cut all contact. She had never acknowledged what happened during my childhood, in fact quite a lot of it she denied and basically told me that I was making it up, stating I was on the child protection register (as it was then) because she was poor (?!) and not because she regularly beat me and my siblings up and had 2 (me and my brother who is getting married today) put into care.

Anyway the problem......my mother is going to the wedding (of course as it's her son getting married) and I really don't want her approaching me or my family. She has been trying to get back in contact, through my brother, for the past 6-ish months but has been told that I'm not interested. She has never met my 2 year old son and I have no desire for her to.

I am getting worried about all this now. This is my brother and his wife's day and I don't want anything to get in the way of this. This is what prompted my decision not to go in the first place!!!

It's causing arguments between me and OH too, I don't know how many times he thinks he needs to say 'I don't want that woman anywhere near our son!!', I got it the first time and I am in total agreement.

I'm not after anything really, just wanted to vent as it's only 3 hours away and it's bugging me more than I thought it would (and OH isn't helping!!!)

Kayalana99

You should go ~ it's your brothers wedding!!!

....But surely the two year old can stay with someone on your OH's side or get a baby sitter?

Didn't realise it was three hours away.. -.-

All I would say is I know the feeling and although it's quite common to not want certain people around just remember you and your partner will be their and no harm will come to him. I know what happened must of been horrible for you (believe me I've been their) but I actually am in the position of having to invite this person to my wedding or not have my Mum go who I adore...just avoid her and if she trys to speak to you be the bigger person and don't start/say anything, if she does then at least your brother will blame her and not you.

Just grin and bare it for your brother x

Mojisola

Is it just you going or all three of you?

Georgiegirl256

Go, or you might end up regretting it if you don't, and you don't want to end up falling out with your brother. I'm sure he'd be really upset not to see you there. Are your other siblings going too?

Is there anyone you could leave your son with so you don't have to take him to the wedding?

Act confident and act the bigger person, don't let your Mum see that she still gets to you....she'll be the one who -hopefully- sees what's she missing.

Good luck, and hope you have a lovely day.

Yorkie1

What a dilemma for you.

Is it an option for you to go and not your OH / son? (Invent some fake illness for them to explain their absence, if that is what your OH and you decide.)

That means that the contact is not there but also means that you can support your brother/ his wife on their special day. You can make your excuses to leave earlier than you might otherwise have done, to get back to the invalids ...

I don't usually advocate fibbing, but it might draw least attention and mollify your OH.

The other two alternatives are for none of you to go - which isn't really fair on your brother as he will be really looking forward to seeing you there, or for all of you to go.

Have you taken a step back and considered, objectively, what the worst rational outcome from all of you going today would be? Questions such as:

- If your mother sees your son once, how might that mean that she is back in your lives (on an ongoing basis) more than she is now?

- If she won't be back in your lives on an ongoing basis simply by virtue of seeing you all there, what is the harm that might result from seeing you all today?

- Does she know you've had a son, for example? If so, then how will anything change after today?

- Do you fear a scene from her today upon seeing you and your family? If so, that is her fault and, I suggest, not something which should prevent you from going. She will be shown up for who she is. Your brother will understand, I hope (and probably foreseen by your previous discussions with him?).

You'd be taking responsibility for her behaviour, which is not for you to do.

Hope you reach a decision that you and your family are comfortable with, and that the wedding goes well.

theoretica

I am not sure how you would organise it, but I am sure that it would be possible to find a babysitter or childminder local to the wedding if you didn't want to leave your son in your home area.

marisco_2

Firstly good on you for finding it in you to attend a function, knowing that someone who has and still continues to cause you so much upset will be there, in order to celebrate your brothers wedding. That takes real inner strength and a level of love and consideration for others that your mother has no concept of. What a lovely person that makes you

Both yourself and your husband are in agreement about her not approaching you or your child. That is a positive and means you can show a strong united front. If your mum does approach you then just stay calm, speak very quietly so as she cant get any satisfaction from seeing you feeling riled and politely ask that she leaves you and your family alone. By appearing to remain completely unaffected by her presence you take away any power she may feel she has.

I truly hope that you can enjoy celebrating your brothers big day. If in the unfortunate event it all gets out of hand or too much to cope with, there is no shame in making your excuses and leaving. You will have tried and that is all anyone can ask of you.

SailorSam

Could you just go to the church and if there's an atmosphere tell your brother you think you'll go home 'cos you don't want to spoil his big day in case your Mum kicks off at the reception.

marywooyeah

Is your mother likely to make a scene/be abusive etc?

If so I wouldn't go, it's your brother's day and whilst it would be lovely if all the family members could be there and it be a nice day, if there's a high possibility that an incident would occur I would just not go to avoid risking it. After all, if something kicks off it will spoil the wedding and your brother and sister in law will have their day tainted.

It's very brave of you to agree to go after how badly your mother has treated you, but your brother will understand if you are worried that attending will end badly.

Gingernutty

Can you go by yourself and leave husband and son at home?

If it all kicks off, there's less 'collateral damage' then.

Bring a 'brag book' of photos in case anyone who knows you wants to see the little fella.

marisco_2

Gingernutty wrote: »

Bring a 'brag book' of photos in case anyone who knows you wants to see the little fella.

I cant help but think that doing the above would be a really bad idea. The OPs mother could end up really antagonised by such behaviour, and it could cause her to make a scene. OP either let your child attend or leave him at home, but save showing photos off of him for another time.