Finding Lost Relatives...Advice?

zaxdog

Just a thought but have you considered writing to all of the local papers in the area? A few details is all they would need to publish something maybe on the letters page for anyone with information to contact you via them?

pleasedelete

have you done the basics like 192.com with his name. Men are much easier than women usually as names dont change. was there a census when he was with your mother?

CRANKY40

Does your mum remember if your dad had any brothers or sisters? She doesn't have to remember their names. Also, if she could remember the first names of his mum or dad that would be helpful. Then you could look up the wedding of his parents (one of them will have the same surname) and see if the family pattern is there on either free birth deaths and marriages or Ancestry. Say for instance his name was Fred Smith and he had three brothers... you would look for all the boys with the surname Smith but see which 4 had the same mother's maiden name. If you look on free BMD you will see what I mean.

pimento

If you know his year of birth to within a couple of years and a place of birth you can find his birth and therefore his mother's maiden name. From that, you can find his parents marriage and any siblings. Once you have all that it gets easier and easier.

I'm an experienced genealogist if you'd like me to have a go, send me a PM.

NatMast_2

Thank you for your advice everyone - it's all pretty overwhelming to be honest. The surname is so incredibly common and with so little information to go on I feel a bit lost so I do greatly appreciate all your help.

Pimento - I'm not entirely sure on his place of birth, just where roughly he was 20+ years ago.

If I'm completely honest the topic of it isn't up to much discussion with my mother and I don't wish to press the issue more than I have done in the past. Pretty much everything I have posted on here is what I know - slightly depressing but I can't help but be so curious! Especially to see if I had half siblings. I don't expect happy families at all but just to know would settle my mind a lot.

DigForVictory

Can I offer a word of advice?
He's been, seen you're OK & gone.
He's not been in touch since.
Let him go.

You've folk who love you - let the past rest & definitely do not get your hopes up in any way about siblings. Unlike any other thing you can daydream about with relative impunity, family is dynamite.
Curiosity is a bad reason to inadvertently shake his world & possibly land yourself in the mire with him, and whatever other maybe-family you have.

In addition to which, your maybe-siblings are unlikely to fall on your neck with joy unless someone they know needs invasive medical treatment (like a kidney) "and you're family" & even then there will be wondering about whether you'll do them out of a bit of inheritance.

Finally, your mother has moved on, & doesn't remember any details. How big a hint that this is not ground she wants to go over do you need? It's a bit overwhelming for you? It can only be darn painful for her.

Even as the accepted genealogist of the family, I can accidentally reduce one relative to tears as she is the last surviving member of the branch. What she knows & can recall is fascinating, but also viscerally painful. We work most harmoniously together when she's recovering from surgery as she already knows she'll feel dire & thus my questions distract her.

I sympathise with the curiosity but give your mother quite a lot more time & space. Frankly, she may never want to tell you what you want to know while compos mentis & you may get "the breaks" when she says something in the depths of Alzheimer’s, or emerging from an anaesthetic. Love her & allow her her secrets?

Mojisola

NatMast wrote: »

I don't expect happy families at all but just to know would settle my mind a lot.

DigForVictory wrote: »

Can I offer a word of advice?
He's been, seen you're OK & gone.
He's not been in touch since.
Let him go.

NatMast isn't mithering her mother about the subject but I can understand wanting to know more.

I've spent a lot of time tracking down the father of an illegitimate relative in my family tree and have been lucky enough to find paperwork to confirm who he was. 'Knowing where you come from' is a powerful driver and I'm really pleased to have been able to fill in an empty branch on my family tree.

If this man had been my missing father, I'd have been willing to put in a lot more effort.

RAS

NatMast wrote: »

We don't have a last known address unfortunately..this is over twenty years ago now and I know they both moved out of the same property and went their separate ways.

OK

Do you know the address of the property from which they moved out?

PasturesNew

I think it's important to do what you can, while you can. There are many reasons he's not been back. Look around, even on these boards, and you see stories of letters being returned/marked "gone away", refusals of visits, people being refused visits.... who knows what went on.

My mother told me of her father "he never tried to get in touch...." and I told her he could have sent her cards/gifts and the cards might not have been given and the gifts might have been given unwrapped.... and any cash would have gone straight to paying for her upkeep. He did try to come back some years later and she refused seeing him on the basis he hadn't tried before (he'd been abroad).

It's important to know and to know soonest - so you know and can move on, whether it's a good experience or bad.... you have that closure.

It's all that "not knowing about extended family" too, that gnaws.

I wish more parents would take the responsibility of writing down all the important data/information, even if it's only to be found after they've died..... not knowing must be the worst for people.

With just a name and location what the Heirhunters on the telly would do is to go to that area (they have a house address though) to see if there are any elderly neighbours that remember anything... they go doorknocking. Long shot, but they think it's worthwhile and must get enough good results or they'd not bother.

Good luck.

NatMast_2

Thank you PasturesNew, RAS and Mojisola. I do appreciate all your advice.

DigForVictory - I understand your view completely and I am more than content with my family as it is anyway. I'm not looking for my biological father to play father or anything but I would just like a few questions answered. I don't know the circumstances with the break up and my mother could have just been bitter about it all - we don't know that and I'd rather not stir it up. But to not know your biological father even by a face - you must surely understand the curiosity to see even just once what he looks like. As I've said before, I'm not bothered about having him as a part of my life or anything like that - that's not the important factor here. It's more a sense of closure. It would be nice just to KNOW.

I'm also quite content being an only child but it's the not knowing anything that makes it all that much worse. My mother is in her 40's and is 100% mentally sound (well, as far as I can say as a daughter!) and it is not about keeping secrets at all.

I'm not looking to shake up his life in that sense - and it may be difficult for him to find me as I changed my name. Not that I expect him to look either but it's all the unknown. I wouldn't involve myself with his new family or anything like that - I would just like to have an hour with him and I'd be happy to walk away if necessary.