Will I get into trouble with the DWP?

Waves_and_Smiles

What a lovely thing to say Jackie O, thank you so much.

I don't want to be all me, me, me and bore people to tears but it is nice to have somewhere anonymous to talk, I guess I am quite lonely really. My partner and I do not discuss anything negative that I may feel because it terrifies him and he gets angry that he can't fix me, I understand this because he loves me and has seen me go through many psychotic episodes and he is terrified that it might happen again. Hence even an indication that I might be sad makes him panic so I tend to keep it to myself. I don't discuss it much with either of my friends because to be honest, my life is very dull. It has to be dull because the slightest change causes me to become unwell but I am very conscious of burdening people when they can do little to help.

I do feel a little lighter for posting here though because I miss talking to people so thank you everyone, for that. Believe it or not once I was out-going and described as vivacious; my illnesses changed that. There is still the old me inside though, she just doesn't get out much anymore.

FBaby

Your post brought tears to my eyes. It reminded me why I wanted to work into mental health. You are so much more deserving of all these benefits than many people who could do all the things you wish you could do, but chose not to because a life on benefits is much easier. You are the reason why benefits were introduced.

Just with this message, you brought a lot more to the forum that some people who write a lot of rubbish every day.

Waves_and_Smiles

Oh FBaby, what a kind thing to say, I like the thought that what I posted may have been useful to someone. I do feel a lot of guilt over the benefits I receive. I only applied for DLA after my partner began caring for his mother too and I knew I needed to pay for carers before the poor man ran himself ragged. Social services believe the answer is for his mother to have an overnight carer so that he can be with me but she is fiercely independent and private (she was my carer well into her 80's so that he could work and she disagreed with anyone outside of family caring for me) and we both want her to be as content and happy as she can be. It is further complicated that her official carer is his brother who is an alcoholic and unable to meet her needs. She will not allow us to tell social services out of loyalty to her son so right now the only solution is for my partner to care for her at night and for me to pay a carer while he does so. I was at my happiest when I could work, without a doubt the happiest time of my life and it is almost too painful to remember now. I have no wish to be on benefits at all and will only take what I need to survive; I am fully aware I wouldn't be alive without this system in place and am deeply grateful to everyone who pays taxes so I can be.

I do recommend the mental health field, it is where I used to work. It can be deeply sad but so rewarding and it is a wonderful feeling just to see someone manage to smile because you did something that seems tiny but meant the world to them. For me it is the little things I remember, a therapist touching my arm, a psychiatrist making a joke with me. Little things that showed that they saw the human behind the condition and that I was still part of society and worth their time.

I do have a lot to be grateful for. I have a partner who has been with me for 22 years and tells me he loves me everyday. It makes me think that I can't be all bad if he has chosen to stay with me and still cares. I have 2 dear friends who even though I haven't seen them in person for 4 years (I can only be around very few people, even if others mean the world to me) still email me daily to ask how I am and send me silly little gifts to make me smile. I have seen some wonderful professionals who have done all they could to help me, I just feel so much guilt that I let them down. I have been lucky in lots of ways and I always remind myself of that. I just wish I wasn't so pointless and could give back some of what I have been given.

Morglin

No one is pointless, and I'm sure your partner's life would be poorer if you weren't part of it.

You write well, so when you feel up to it, there are always sites where people do feel depressed, worthless, ill, whatever., and where, perhaps, you could give 'something back' with posts of support.

Best wishes.

Lin

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you Lin. I do want to help people again but I worry about the lack of consistency.

The past two days have been hard with hallucinations and pain. When I become psychotic I develop unbearable headaches along with the hallucinations. I spent yesterday crying and being sick repeatedly. All I could see in front of me was bars of a prison and all I could hear were the voices of my abusers telling me I was devils spawn and that I would rot in Hell. I haven't slept and I feel exhausted. My partner is allowed to give me a higher dose of anti-psychotics when this happens which helps to bring me out of it faster but there is no pattern to when it can occur. I was incontinent because I couldn't get out of the 'cage' to reach the bathroom, I feel so ashamed.

The media fails to represent Schizophrenia for what it really is, it is rarely as dramatic or dangerous to others as they make out. A lot of the time you feel nothing but guilt and self-hatred interspersed with terror when your dreams become realities. I have only been physically violent to myself, I cry if I accidentally kill a spider. I would take my own life before I hurt another. I feel like a burden on everyone today and ridiculous that I still believe the hallucinations after all of this time. Now all I hear is the radio, presenters talking and music playing but I know that the sounds aren't real. Unfortunately the extra medication upsets my stomach so today I have practically moved into the bathroom which means I still cannot rest. Perhaps I may feel better after I sleep.

When_the_going_gets_tough

Your post makes me angry on your behalf at the people who abused and tormented you. I wish you could find some sort of peace and I would repeat what others have said - a kind post on a forum for someone else who is suffering is a good and useful thing that you can do. Don't worry that there may be times when you are too ill to do this, each post is like a little lighted candle for someone who is walking in darkness - your gift to them. But today just try and rest. x

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you for caring. Today I feel better, but shaky. My mother was my abuser so it was somewhat unusual, she would force me to pray to God afterwards to be forgiven because I was dirty. She was also schizophrenic but mostly unmedicated through choice. As well as sexual abuse she believed her child was replaced at birth by the devil, she wasn't allowed to see me for 6 months after I was born. My dad committed suicide on my 13th birthday, he couldn't cope with trying to care for her, keep us both financially and bringing me up. Then it was my mother and I alone for years. She would frequently attack me as she believed I was a demon and eventually I told my friend of now 30 years what was happening and they placed me in care after he had noticed the bruises. I tried to suicide 2 months after my fathers death and had scars which were also noticed. When I too developed schizophrenia the trauma and the new illness intermeshed and this is why I am basically untreatable. If one part of my condition is dealt with it triggers the other so for me to have therapy for the abuse causes schizophrenic hallucinations which mean I am admitted to hospital and we are back at the first stage again. My main hallucinations involve my mothers voice telling me that I murdered my father (she told me that for years) and that I am devils spawn and that the Devil is waiting for me in Hell. Sometimes I see her pointing at me and laughing and then I believe she is really here. The hallucinations are seemingly random so hard to control. A specialist I saw said it is likely something as simple as when I was abused I saw a black mug, for example. Now I may suddenly see a black mug and my subconscious remembers and it triggers a hallucination about the past. It cannot be controlled fully because of this.

But I am very lucky, I have 3 people who care for me and a lot of professionals who have gone the extra mile for me. I know people have a far worse life than I had and do so I have a lot to be thankful for. Please never think that I am not grateful for everyone who has ever cared for me. I cannot thank them enough.

On an MSE note I became debt free today. It was only a little debt of £1000 but enormous to me as all of my money goes on staying alive and carers and a cleaner. I have been chipping away at it for a year. My helper from MIND helped me apply for PPI and I received it today and paid back my debt with a little help from my DLA. Things will be very tight this month but it is worth it. Now I do not owe anyone anything and I can hopefully afford to pay a cleaner for another day every week.

Indie_Kid

Your story is so sad. I have a friend who has Schizophrenia. I don't see him that often; but he appears to be stable.

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you Indie Kid, I am glad that your friend has some stability in his life.

Today is a bad start. I dreamt that I was an adult and still sharing a bed with my mother and she was still sexually abusing me. I went away on holiday for two weeks and randomly slept with someone and told her. She was extremely jealous and spent all of the time afterwards telling me that I was evil and the devils spawn and refusing to feed me (I had no money and was entirely dependant upon her) and I was afraid to sleep because I awoke to find her hovering over me with a knife. I tried to call my old friend but he was at work and had left a phone message on his answering machine telling me that I couldn't contact him personally anymore because he had made a mistake with me. I tried to phone my best friend and she said she was busy and didn't know when she could see me next and had her life and friends at college. I went to see my partner but he had decided to return to his ex-girlfriend whom he had been seeing for the whole of our relationship without telling me. I went back to my mother's flat and slashed my wrists and she came into the room and told me to stop seeking attention and that no one believed that there was anything wrong with me-I was just an attention seeker and would pay for what I had done. Then I woke up. I had wet the bed and then I was sick.

Now nothing feels real, everything feels like I am still dreaming. It is called depersonalisation by its psychiatric name. I am trying to use the CBT techniques that I was taught to overcome it but I feel like I am going to wake up any moment and find out that it was my dream that was the reality. My carer is here in an hour and I cannot wait to see her just to hold her hand. I feel so terribly alone...

Morglin

Well, i know nothing about a Schizophrenia, and the effects are obviously deeply upsetting.

Perhaps, you could write down somewhere, where you could see it, if you wake from bad dreams, that dreams are only the subconscious jumbling up thoughts, worries, and memories, and although upsetting, they are, ultimately, harmless.

I don't know if it would help you, but have you tried, before going to sleep, listening to relaxation music, to help calm your mind?

There is a CD called 'Tranquility' by David May that I have listened to, at bad times, and it is fantastic for helping overwhelming stress etc.,

And, of course, talk to those close to you, and get some reassurance.

I don't know if any if the above is any help, but hope you feel better by now.

Your mother did one of the worse things any mother can do to a child, and I cannot begin to imagine the pain this has caused you, but with the help you are getting, and with your obvious insight and determination, you can overcome it (and triumph over her),

Best wishes.

Lin