Parents.. how much slack can you cut them?

lemon1

Hi,
just wanted some advice really...

I'm about to have my 3rd child any day now, I was due yesterday.

I have fallen out with my parents, haven't spoken to either of them since Christmas 2012. My dad is an alcoholic and my mum is neurotic. They are forever having arguments, fighting, splitting up, getting back together, putting my younger sisters and I in the middle of their arguments then when we get involved they get back together like nothing has happened leaving a nasty feeling between everyone, mum particularly likes us to take sides and takes great delight in letting dad know what we think. basically they're two selfish people who should never have been together and had a family, they are toxic. Neither of them have any friends and so when the SHTF they turn to their 3 children to slag off the other parent. So much history has gone by I could write pages and pages....

So. The reason I fell out with my parents was that I had a custody case with my ex husband over my eldest child, I needed my mum and dad's support during an extremely upsetting and stressful time.

Unfortunately, my court case was during one of their many "split up for good" times. I begged them to help me and they refused. They had too much going on. My dad was so sozzled he thought the court case was for my divorce (which had already happened 2 years previously), my mum couldn't understand why I wasn't doing more for them to help "sort out the situation".

I lost custody of my son and I was devestated. I went through some of the darkest days of my life during and for many months after the ruling. I only picked myself up again by taking up the the strength of my wonderful partner, his family, my siblings and my friends.

My relationship with my parents have always been that they never contact us, we phone, text or go to see them. They hardly ever make the 1st move so when I stopped doing any of those things, we have just drifted into nothing. I have never had it out with them (they were back together again 6 months after the court case like nothing had happened), I have always been accused of being over- emotional and making a big deal by them when I try to put across how upsetting their behaviour is. At the age of 37 and with my own little family and life to concentrate on, I have given up with them.

Dad has sent me 2 text messages ("we need to talk") over the last 7months and tonight has tried to call me (i missed the call), I suspect he makes the call and texts when he is heavily under the influence and is getting it in the neck from mum, as past experience has proved. I live 10 mins away from where they work and they haven't been to see me in the 2 years we've lived here.

They know I must be close to giving birth now as they are in contact still with my other 2 siblings. I have replied to none of his comunications. I just can't face being dragged back into all the drama of their relationship.

The guilt though. They are almost in their 60's. They have noone else. Dad is in poor health due to his drinking, mum needs professional mental health care. Neither of them will help themselves but I feel terrible. They're my mum and dad afterall.

When this baby comes, do I send them a message? A picture? call them? invite them over? The longer we don't speak, the harder it is to make contact again. And, do I want to be involved in their dramas again with a new baby to get to know.

What would you do? Am I being to hard on them?

bagpussbear

What would I do? exactly what you've done since xmas 2012, keep your distance.

Sounds like you've had a terrible time with them. Don't let guilt get the better of you on this one, in my opinion.

Person_one

It doesn't sound like you get anything positive out of having a relationship with them, neither do your children.

There's really no need to feel guilty, if you don't want contact then that's fine. It doesn't sound as though they are desperately trying to fix things anyway!

thorsoak

Your priority should be to YOUR family; to your partner, your children, your new baby and to your siblings who have supported you - and also to your partner's family who have also given support.

A new baby is going to be hard work, as you well know; do you really need to add to your load? Let things be - you have said that you don't want to be dragged back into all the drama of their relationship - then don't.

krlyr

I haven't spoken to my dad in probably coming up to 10 years now. He's someone I wouldn't want to be friends with, and at some point I realised that I had a choice whether to maintain a relationship with him or not.

Being blood related doesn't mean you owe them anything. Do what you want to doo, don't feel pressured by anyone or any apparent social standards.

BitterAndTwisted

Feel free to send them a picture of your new baby but do you really want this to be a passport to renewed contact? I know I wouldn't. They sound completely hateful, selfish and toxic so I wouldn't want them back in my life under any circustances whatsoever.

duchy

You all seem to be doing well apart -you are happier.....they are doing no worse without you than when you were in contact...... and they've made no effort to contact you or their existing grandchild -so why should the birth of another grandchild change things ?

You have other siblings who have remained in contact with them so it's hardly "they have no-one" as they have apparently not alienated your siblings.....yet.

Sorry but I honestly don't see what difference the birth of another child is going to make to them based on their past disinterest in the other children. I'd leave things as they are.

Mojisola

lemon1 wrote: »

My dad is an alcoholic and my mum is neurotic.

They are forever having arguments, fighting, splitting up, getting back together, putting my younger sisters and I in the middle of their arguments then when we get involved they get back together like nothing has happened leaving a nasty feeling between everyone,
mum particularly likes us to take sides and takes great delight in letting dad know what we think.

basically they're two selfish people who should never have been together and had a family, they are toxic.

Why would you want to inflict these people on your children? As a parent, you should be protecting their interests.

People reap what they sow - if your parents are alone it's because they have driven everyone away.

meritaten

keep your distance. they are toxic people and may be your 'Parents' but do they do any 'Parenting'? sounds to me like you brought yourself up - and you cant rely on them.
OP - you have enough problems - don't take thiers on as well.

Georgiegirl256

duchy wrote: »

You all seem to be doing well apart -you are happier.....they are doing no worse without you than when you were in contact...... and they've made no effort to contact you or their existing grandchild -so why should the birth of another grandchild change things ?

You have other siblings who have remained in contact with them so it's hardly "they have no-one" as they have apparently not alienated your siblings.....yet.

Sorry but I honestly don't see what difference the birth of another child is going to make to them based on their past disinterest in the other children. I'd leave things as they are.

I was going to put that although they've put the OP through years of heartache, I would be inclined to give them ONE last chance, then if they blew that, then that's that, they've had their chance, and you gave it one last try. That was until I read the above post, and it makes a lot of sense. I'm inclined to agree actually. If they can't even make the effort with their existing grandchildren, then why would they make the effort with the new one. It's sad, but only you know if this would be the case OP.

marisco_2

lemon1 wrote: »

Neither of them will help themselves

In which case the toxicity of your relationship with them will just get worse and worse. That is no environment that any children of yours should be exposed to. Your parents are not your responsibility and you have nothing to feel guilty about. It sounds as if your childhood and much of your adult life, has been negatively affected by them and the drama that surrounds their daily lives. Enough is enough, keep ties cut and concentrate on your own family is my advice.