The other step parent / partner and presents from kids

claire21

Following on from reading the ex and kids birthdays thread.

My situation , divorced and remarried, ex husband remarried, 3 kids together in our marriage.

When it's his wife's birthday, Xmas etc, would you expect me to sort out the presents to her from the kids ? Or would you expect my ex husband to arrange a present to her from the children?

I only ask as I still find I normally do it even though they are now 14 to 11, we only live in a village where there aren't many shops so when I go to town on my own I tend to get something for her from them.

It's just we had been away on hols together and the kids go there this weekend and announced it was her birthday today, as I didn't have anything suitable I asked ex husband if he could get something for her from them and he seemed a bit miffed.

He does have them every other weekend so thought that he could plan to buy something when they are with him for her when it comes to Xmas , Mother's Day etc.

My kids don't get pocket money as such so it's me picking up a Mother's Day card etc for her. I don't care about the money side of buying things, it's just is it down to me or should he be sorting it?

Is this a bit odd or do others do it?

I know the kids live with me, but my husband sorts out with the kids presents for me at the various times of year.

Just interested to hear others situations.

fannyanna

I'm a step Mum.

The biological Mum does buy me a Christmas gift from the child but not a birthday gift. I don't think it's necessary and I wouldn't be offended if I wasn't given anything. It's very kind that she buys me a Christmas gift.

I don't get given anything for Mothers Day and that suits me. In fact I would feel very awkward to receive something as I have no maternal feelings as the child is not mine.

Gigervamp

I've always left it to the ex to buy the gifts from the kids for his side of the family.

Mojisola

claire21 wrote: »

When it's his wife's birthday, Xmas etc, would you expect me to sort out the presents to her from the kids ? Or would you expect my ex husband to arrange a present to her from the children?

I'm not in this situation but, if I was, I'd expect him to sort out cards and presents for his side of the family and that would include his wife.

duchy

I think it would be more appropriate considering the kids ages to remind Dad it's her birthday just before his kid weekend before the birthday so he can help/remind the kids to get her something. Depends on your relationship with her though. If there is no real relationship then that is what I'd do. That said at the age they are..... wouldn't they be the ones driving the situation and asking Dad for help (eg funds and taking them to the "big shops") different if they were little though.

Actually rereading I am a bit confused ....whose kids we are talking about .
These are HIS kids with her-who live with her (the bit about "your" kids not getting pocket money confused me- we're not talking about the kids you and he have together?)

claire21

Yes it's the kids I had with my first husband, they are the only kids within the relationships.

Yes I think on the lead up to Christmas I will ask ex husband to take them to town shopping for his wife.

I too buy from the kids for their father, again his wife has not taken on this role.

I know they are getting older but I can still see me when they are 18 asking if they have sorted dad and step mum out for presents and I'm not quite sure why it's my business but I would feel bad if they hadn't done so even though I don't have much of a relationship with my ex and wife.

I think I'm just one of those people who blindly get on with things , it wasn't until he sounded a bit miffed on the phone about her birthday that I got to thinking about what I do.

Acc72

claire21 wrote: »

I too buy from the kids for their father, again his wife has not taken on this role.

This is the situation as I see it :

You buy for the step-mum and as a consequence the father has let you do this.

You buy for the father, and as a consequence the step-mum has let you do this.

Both are just standing back and letting you do what you have always done.

If they are happy with this and you are happy with this then all is fine, and it doesn't really matter what anybody else thinks.

If you or they are not happy with this arrangement then the unhappy-party just needs to mention it to the other party.

It appears that there is currently no drama, so either way there does not need to be any drama going forward.

claire21

Acc72

Yes that's it.

Think I will mention it as I'm sure they could pick something for each other more easily than I can.

NicolaB_2

I have 2 kids with my ex, aged 11 and 7. He also has 2 with his new gf. I still take our children to buy presents for their Dad for birthday/xmas/father's day (not that he generally reciprocates when it's my birthday/mother's day etc but that's beside the point). I do that as we have the children in common and I do it because is means a lot to the kids to be able to get him presents. I wouldn't expect his gf to have to fund presents to him from children that are not hers.

However, I consider it his responsibility to sort out presents for his gf's birthday. She is not related to me in any way so I don't see why I should take on that responsibility. If he feels that our children should buy her something then it's his responsibility to arrange that and to finance it.

But, at the end of the day, it is down to what every one involved in the situation is happy with. What is right for one family may not be right for everyone!

TBagpuss

I don't think it is your responsibility.

If tbeir dad sorts out gifts for you, then it seems reasonable for you to sort out ones for him, but I would see it as his responsibility to sort out any gift from his children to his wife. At most, you could remind the children a week or two in advance so they have at least one visit to their dad before the birthday so they can arrange a gift.

*Louise*

I'm amazed you have been doing this at all tbh- it's lovely that you are all amicable but you have been letting your ex get away with having to put in any effort. It was the fact you said he seemed a bit miffed that I thought was cheeky - he should be grateful for the fact you have put yourself out before.

The way I see it is you should help the kids buy a gift for their father's birthday, but if he wants the kids to buy something for their stepmum then he should be putting his hand in his pocket.