Confidence shot tto pieces after leaving violent relationship...

LittleButterfly

Pretty new to the forum so be nice lol.

I was in an abusive relationship for a good 7 years...for some reason kept going back to him. Six months ago, I finally left for the last time.

It has taken the last six months to get my confidence back up to just below average following having it drummed into my brain that I was nothing but a fat useless waste of space.

I have young kids and finally went on my first night out a fortnight ago. I ended up having a few drunken kisses with a colleague who was really lovely to me and it was nice to have some attention for a change.

Fast forward a few days later and we started emailing back nd forth but after a week...he just stopped. It's clear that he's not interested and probably sees it as a mistake. It's left my confidence in tatters all over again. I haven't eaten for the last few days convinced he hasn't messaged me because he thinks i'm ugly and fat and I feel so panicky and nervous in the office as I bump into regularly.

I know it seems like an over-reaction given it was really nothing in the first place but I think it's just because it's the feeling of being rejected all over again.

Any tips on getting back to normal?

wapow

Do you go to any form of therapy? I hope you can find it in yourself to join such groups or singular therapy because the experience you've had really needs specialist care. It wont be just the effect on you but your kids too if they were around it. If you can help yourself then you can help your kids. I think there is a forum section on here for violence stuff you should visit and ask for advice on how to get into therapy. This would be your first step to recovery. I strongly advocate therapy sessions on lifestyles of this nature.

Person_one

Don't even think about a new relationship for a while. You've been through hell, let yourself recover and heal. Getting your confidence back and feeling normal doesn't have to mean dating until you're ready for that.

Well done on getting out of the relationship, it clearly took a lot of courage. Have you had any support from anybody else? Ever had any counselling?

wapow

Yes counselling is the word I was looking for as therapy tries to sound to American.

LittleButterfly

I had some support from Woman's Aid and it really made a difference - I only went back one time after that and it really did make understanding the violence clearer. I vowed that was the last time that I would ever 'try' again.
I know i've probably latched onto this new guy because it made me feel happy for a bit. Despite having the kids and a good job, my life feels quite empty and he was a happy distraction from just working and being a mum. I honestly don't know what I done wrong for him to just stop talking to me - he just randomly out the blue never messaged him back. I bumped into him today and we had a brief "hi, how are you? when do you finish..thank god it's the weekend" chat but it felt so awkward. I was silly to think that someone like him might have actually been interested in me anyway.

PlymouthMaid

Aw you are just at a low ebb confidence wise so look at this way - he found you plenty attractive enough that evening so just because it didn't progress does not mean anything really. Give it some time until you can love yourself again as it is very early to get involved properly. Well done for getting out of an abusive relationship.

Person_one

There is so much more to you and to what you're worth than whether a man is interested in you!

Mojisola

LittleButterfly wrote: »

I had some support from Woman's Aid and it really made a difference

I know i've probably latched onto this new guy because it made me feel happy for a bit. Despite having the kids and a good job, my life feels quite empty and he was a happy distraction from just working and being a mum.

Women's Aid do some courses that are very helpful - see if there are any in your area.

It's really important to "find yourself" again after an abusive relationship otherwise people tend to go for the same kind of partner again or can put off a good person by seeming too needy.

You have been so brave to break away from a long abusive relationship - give yourself the time. Keep any potential relationships light and relaxed.

You don't need a man to make your life whole - it's lovely to have a partner but you are great as you are!

marisco_2

The decision to leave an abusive relationship is not an easy one to make. You are very courageous for having made it this far. It is very natural that you will have moments of feeling helpless and overwhelmed. Be proud that you are doing something about improving the lives of yourself and your children. The biggest step is over, and you did it! You are probably so busy trying to figure out how to start your life on a different path, that you haven't taken time yet to appreciate your own strength.

The abuse that you endured was not your fault. There is never any justification for abuse. All people deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I agree with others who have suggested that you seek counselling. This will help you to process and deal with the whirlwind of emotions that leaving your relationship has produced. Turning to friends can be helpful, however it is useful to talk things through with someone who is completely non-biased. A person who has no emotional ties to you or your abuser.

Be patient with yourself. It is widely accepted that abusers chip away at their victims' self-respect and self-image. It will take time to repair and rebuild the damage from the abuse, so please be gentle with yourself, and don't expect it to happen all at once. Your ex may have tried to make you feel like you were abused because you are unattractive, uninteresting or unworthy, but this is not true.

You were abused because somebody cruel chose to treat you badly. If your abuser made you feel unattractive, write a list of times when you received compliments about the way you dress or look. If your abuser made you feel stupid, write a list of positive experiences when you succeeded because of your intellectual ability. Whenever you find yourself feeling unworthy because of the false messages your abuser gave you, use your lists of positive memories to counteract your negative feelings. At this stage, you have to actively remind yourself that you do have lots of good qualities and you do deserve to be treated properly.

I have been in your shoes and it feels horrendous to be where you are at right now. Please believe me when I say you will come through it all though and life will be happy and feel secure again. There is every possibility that your future and that of your children will be better than you probably dare envisage at the moment. Take some time out to be on your own and work out what you really want and need before getting involved with anyone new. You are in my thoughts.

meritaten

hun, perhaps you were reading more into a few kisses than the guy intended? you have been out of the 'dating' scene for a good few years and perhaps you have forgotten how many guys will give a good snog, promise to phone and then you don't hear anything? thinking back to my younger years...........this happened a lot! and to my shame I did it a lot too! it only means that you both had a nice time, no harm done and it was a 'transient' attraction. look on it as 'practice'. and the next few guys will be even more practice! you don't have to go from one 'relationship' to another - its ok to date 'for fun and companionship' you know.

Desecrated_Landscape

Honestly it sounds like you came on to strong. Have you sent him a message after he ignored you like is it because i'm fat and ugly? Or talked about your previous relationship? And have you broken the 3 text rule?

I will explain once you answer