Desperate Situation - Advising Parents

ent_moot

Hello,

My parents, whom I love dearly, are having financial difficulties. I desperately need advice.

I have been regularly pestering them to make life-style changes which has lead to huge amounts of stress for them, sleepless nights for me, and generally at massive cost to my relationship with them. My mother whom I was so very close to throughout my life I now struggle to have open conversations with without one of us getting upset and defensive.

The root cause is that my dad has had serious health problems. He has had to undergo major surgery, and had been unable to return to work for the past 5 years. He has and still is attempting to establish a coaching business, but thus far with limited success. My mother still works full time, earning a solid salary (>30k).

In my opinion (possibly wrong, I will admit), they should be able to make ends meet on what she earns, but due to poor choices over the past 5 years, they are under near constant financial pressure and my brother and I are having to bail them out regularly.

Things came to a head yesterday when I popped to their home on the last day of my honeymoon to find that they had signed a contract for a new car for £20,000 (£280 per month payments). In front of my new wife I lost it: swore at them, and told them that they deliberately go against my advice out of spite. It was very wrong of me, but I feel desperate because in my eyes they are spiralling out of control and doing exactly what I feared.

I had a premonition that they would do something like this and warned them against it (taking out a loan) on multiple occasions, telling them that I would be furious if they took out a loan without consulting me. I knew that they needed a new car (their old BMW was costing them a fortune to maintain), and I had set aside some of my savings to help them buy a cheap reliable and efficient car. In my mind it would cost 5000 - 7500 at most.

They say that they didn't talk to me because they were "too scared to ask" because of how I have reacted in the past. However, I feel that I am always being sensible and reasonable, and it is only when they make terrible mistakes or they outright ignore my advice for months on end that I get upset.

It took me a year of pestering to get them to cancel their expensive Sky contract. In the mean time I was saving for a mortgage, and was nearly turned down when the bank spotted my payments to them. In the end I had to lie to the bank and tell them that the payments would stop.

I didn't sleep last night. My parents are stressed out and upset from my reaction about their new car.

I've told them to attempt to take the car back (they've only had it a few days), but the contract states that they are tied in for at least 3 years, by which point they will have paid £9000. I feel that the car salesmen abused their situation, forcing them into buying an expensive car because the cheaper options didn't offer zero deposit. I have no idea whether they are genuinely tied in, or whether there is some type of legal protection that will allow them to break out of it.

I am torn because I desperately want to help them, both financially and by offering advice; however, the past few years have proved to me that they don't take my advice, and I can not (for their future's sake as much as my own family) put good money after bad.

I also feel that I am too emotionally involved, and although all my advice is solid, it is often delivered in a less than tactful manner because of my frustration with them.

When looking at each of their decisions in isolation, they argue that "they had no other option", but in my eyes every bad decisions is the knock-on effect of poor decisions early on, and a failure to follow any of my advice.

I would like advice on:



1)

What should they do? Especially regarding the immediate situation with the car, but also in the medium and long term.

2)

What I should do: should I continue paying them £100 each month? Or should I instead stop this (I can't imagine how they will even come close to making ends meet each month) and instead put it into a savings account for their retirement? What about the 4k I saved for a car for them. If they can't take this expensive car back, what should I do? - Put it into my own mortgage which feels like the best investment to me? Keep it at the ready for the inevitable bail-outs to come?

Here are the full details of their situation.

• They are both 60
• Mum earns ~30-35k. She has a stable job, but has given up 1 day per week for a business venture which has equivalent pro-rata remuneration.
• As well as the business venture, Mum works overtime which probably brings another £200 per month.
• Dad can't walk due to back problems.
• Dad has been out of regular work for >5 years, but is attempting to set up a coaching business. His net income from this is very small at present and has been throughout.
• They have an interests only mortgage of 340k. Their house is probably worth around 420k.
• Their mortgage expires soon (year or so) which is a massive worry looming over them
• Their house is a cottage, and is expensive to maintain and hea
• They have zero savings, and have had to be bailed out by family members regularly

Until the last 5 years my parents were my heroes, and I would take their advice in everything. Recently, their situation has been causing me so much stress and anger that I'm starting to worry about my own health and state of mind.

Advice would be greatly appreciated on the two points above.

Kind regards,

Anonymous son

CLAPTON

you are married?

you live in your own home?

you have your own income?

your finances are not linked to your parents in any way?

ent_moot

This isn't about me, it's about them.

you are married?
you live in your own home?
you have your own income?
your finances are not linked to your parents in any way?

...but yes to all of these. I am recently married, recently bought my first home, and have a good income.

I am not linked to them financially. I'm linked to them in that I love them, and I want them out of their financial struggle.

PeacefulSlumber

I understand how much you love your parents and desperately want to help them have a better life......but you cannot do this for them.

Take a deep breath, tell them you love them and then stop interfering in their finances. Let them sort it out and stop trying to "parent" them so you can go back to a normal relationship with them.

Everyone has to have their own LBM and if they haven't had theirs you are banging your head against a brick wall.

Good luck!

Tixy

Hi and welcome to the forum

Regarding the vehicle purchase they are almost certainly committed to that. If they do want to try to take it back (and I am not sure from your post if they do) then it could be worth them going back to the dealer (perhaps with you) to see if there is any room for negotiation with them (unlikely but could be worth exploring).

They probably could still cancel the car finance on the vehicle at this stage, but would then obviously need to find some other way to pay for the car purchase.

Regarding the other situation about their general overspending and living beyond their means I think if I were you I would step back and stop helping support them by paying any money for their outgoings.

I would suggest you calmly say that you are happy to help them work out a monthly budget if they come and ask for your help in the future, or you are happy to let them have the names of some debt advice charities who could discuss their finances with them impartially and for free.

If they have any unsecured debts (you don't mention any) then I would suggest they definitely speak to one of the debt advice charities.

I'd also talk to your brother and anyone else who may have been financially assisting them and see if you can all agree to stop (at the very least for a few months) so that your parents will feel the true effect of their financial decisions and their current situation. When they do that maybe they'll then be ready to tackle their finances and change things, until they you cannot force them to do so.

Mojisola

ent_moot wrote: »

I am torn because I desperately want to help them, both financially and by offering advice; however, the past few years have proved to me that they don't take my advice, and I can not (for their future's sake as much as my own family) put good money after bad.

I think you have to step back and concentrate on your spouse.

If you keep rescuing your parents, they will keep spending. It's going to be very hard to do but you need to leave them to cope with the consequences of their own actions - at least for a while.

Caz3121

ent_moot wrote: »

[*]They have an interests only mortgage of 340k. Their house is probably worth around 420k.
[*]Their mortgage expires soon (year or so) which is a massive worry looming over them
[*]Their house is a cottage, and is expensive to maintain and hea
[*]They have zero savings, and have had to be bailed out by family members regularly

Is the fact that the mortgage lender will be looking for a payment of £340k next year not giving them sleepless nights?
£340k mortgage would be 10 times income so a remortgage is not going to happen.
Are they planning on selling up, paying off debts (car) and renting somewhere?

kuohu

Let them learn from their own mistakes and keep your own money for you and your new wife.

ent_moot

Is the fact that the mortgage lender will be looking for a payment of £340k next year not giving them sleepless nights?
£340k mortgage would be 10 times income so a remortgage is not going to happen.
Are they planning on selling up, paying off debts (car) and renting somewhere?

I'm glad you picked up on this, as this is the greater issue. I've tried to get them to confront this and draw up a plan, but as with all my attempts to help, I get emotionally involved and we end up achieving nothing.

What would you recommend?

Mojisola

ent_moot wrote: »

I'm glad you picked up on this, as this is the greater issue. I've tried to get them to confront this and draw up a plan, but as with all my attempts to help, I get emotionally involved and we end up achieving nothing.

What would you recommend?

Give them the contact details of a couple of the free debt advisors and leave them to take it further.

chalkie99

It boils down to the fact that you cannot help people who will not help themselves.

The mortgage will be`their wake up call as, due to their ages, they will not meet the affordability criteria to extend the term. Their only option will be to sell up before they are repossessed and try and sort themselves out with whatever equity they can salvage.

Stop bailing them out now or you will find you have unwanted lodgers and a strained marriage of your own.