help needed about my older son dont know who to ask or what to do?

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alliboy03alliboy03 Forumite
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Hello if I have posted this in the wrong place please advise me otherwise.
This is the pickle i'm in my older son who is 20 goes to uni and lives away. He is not in halls of residense any more as he is in his 2nd year. So he lives in a shared flat with other uni students.
I'm disabled and live with my 10 year old son all year round.
So I had my o.t come out last week with a man from the council from disabled andaptaions. They spoke to me for 3 hours about my needs and what they can do to improve my housing situation. I live in a council rented house which is extremly cold in the winter and the new heating system which the council put in has no affect on my drafty windows, damp on the walls, damp coming up through the floor's. I also need a downstairs toilet which they refuse to put in as it will cost them to much. My situation would only be helped by moving but the council said the would only put me at the top of the list if I downsize. Which means 2 bed house which effectivly if my older son comes home after he finish's uni he wont have his own room. The council said they wont move me into a 2 bedroom property till alex is not living with me anymore? what do I do?
I dont want to effectivly make my oldest child homeless in the future but I need to move for my health?
My 20 year old tells me he would never come back to the small town I live in and I should do what I like but having more experiance in life than he does i'm afraid he will be homeless and end up on my sofa in the future with no place to go. help please....:( In the mean time the council do nothing as they wont move me as they would cause overcrowding but they wont give me another 3 bed:(

DFWNERD no.1168Rules of Happiness 1)Free your heart of hatred 2) Live Simply 3):jEvery penny's a prisoner

Replies

  • indstyindsty Forumite
    372 Posts
    Firstly, I am pleased that at least the OT/Council are willing to help your current situation. I honestly think you should listen your oldest son - he is now an adult, at University and hopefully will be self sufficient very soon. It may be he has bad luck and can't get a job or something, but if that happens I am sure he would be extremely happy to be on your sofa for however long it took him to get back on his feet.

    He will be much happier knowing that his mum and brother have a comfortable home to live in, and would probably be very upset if you turned down the chance of a move. So don't feel you are being disloyal to him at all. If he has got to University you have obviously done a brilliant job of steering him to adulthood.
  • I think that you sound like a really caring Mum and I know where you are coming from here. You have asked your eldest son though and he has said he is unlikely to come back, so moving is not that much different to re allocating the bedroom of a child at Uni/one who has left home to a younger sibling, their space has gone. I would tell him that for your own health you have to make the move, but that you will have a bed settee available to him for emergencies/short stays. If you can get a house with two large bedrooms in the worst case scenario you could perhaps partition one off as a temporary measure if he had to come home for a lengthy period.

    I know it must be hard, but so long as he knows that he still has a place with you in extremis then you have done your bit.
  • alliboy03alliboy03 Forumite
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    poet123 wrote: »
    I think that you sound like a really caring Mum and I know where you are coming from here. You have asked your eldest son though and he has said he is unlikely to come back, so moving is not that much different to re allocating the bedroom of a child at Uni/one who has left home to a younger sibling, their space has gone. I would tell him that for your own health you have to make the move, but that you will have a bed settee available to him for emergencies/short stays. If you can get a house with two large bedrooms in the worst case scenario you could perhaps partition one off as a temporary measure if he had to come home for a lengthy period.

    I know it must be hard, but so long as he knows that he still has a place with you in extremis then you have done your bit.
    Thank you thank you thank you so much for your very kind reply. I feel I am a very caring mum as I had a very unhappy childhood myself. Which I spent much of it fending for myself. I think sometimes I try to hard and go overboard with my mumsey ways. I was homeless at 19 and had nowhere to go, I used to sofa surf (as it's called) till i'd outstayed my welcome. So as we tend to draw on our own experiances I think thats why I was worried. But I have now took the decision of down sizing and will be in touch with the council monday morning. best wishes and kind regards to you and your family.:)

    DFWNERD no.1168Rules of Happiness 1)Free your heart of hatred 2) Live Simply 3):jEvery penny's a prisoner
  • alliboy03alliboy03 Forumite
    184 Posts
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    indsty wrote: »
    Firstly, I am pleased that at least the OT/Council are willing to help your current situation. I honestly think you should listen your oldest son - he is now an adult, at University and hopefully will be self sufficient very soon. It may be he has bad luck and can't get a job or something, but if that happens I am sure he would be extremely happy to be on your sofa for however long it took him to get back on his feet.

    He will be much happier knowing that his mum and brother have a comfortable home to live in, and would probably be very upset if you turned down the chance of a move. So don't feel you are being disloyal to him at all. If he has got to University you have obviously done a brilliant job of steering him to adulthood.
    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply I am now going to look into downsizing without to much guilt:)

    DFWNERD no.1168Rules of Happiness 1)Free your heart of hatred 2) Live Simply 3):jEvery penny's a prisoner
  • alliboy03 wrote: »
    Thank you thank you thank you so much for your very kind reply. I feel I am a very caring mum as I had a very unhappy childhood myself. Which I spent much of it fending for myself. I think sometimes I try to hard and go overboard with my mumsey ways. I was homeless at 19 and had nowhere to go, I used to sofa surf (as it's called) till i'd outstayed my welcome. So as we tend to draw on our own experiances I think thats why I was worried. But I have now took the decision of down sizing and will be in touch with the council monday morning. best wishes and kind regards to you and your family.:)

    Then you have broken that cycle which is to your credit. Not the same thing I know but our eldest son moved out to his own house and we use his old room for a study now, so we bought a bed settee for the times he stays over. As long as he knows there is good reason for it, which there clearly is, and that he is always welcome and that you will make room for him, then you can be easy in your mind that you have covered all your bases.

    Good luck and I hope you get a lovely property that suits your needs.:)
  • edited 18 May 2014 at 4:32PM
    jules8542jules8542 Forumite
    26 Posts
    edited 18 May 2014 at 4:32PM
    Just a thought but when looking at the new property, if you got a bigger second room for your ten year old, why not get bunk beds ? at least then , if really necessary your other son could sleep over when Uni breaks up etc and he pops home to visit ,and the lounge would be still clear for you all.
  • savingmummysavingmummy Forumite
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    Aw your a great mum, your boys are very lucky!!
    Sounds like he isn't planning on needing to return home, IF the worst happened I`m sure he wouldn't mind a sofa until he was sorted out or even sharing his brothers room ;)


    My sister returned home unexpectedly and I top and tailed with her for 18months (8yrs gap between us). She soon moved to a bedsit nearby until she could get a place.


    Your needs come first, you shouldn't be living in damp and cold accommodation.
    Good luck and hope your moved quickly!x
    DebtFree FEB 2010!
    Slight blip in 2013 - Debtfree Aug 2014 :j

    Savings £132/£1000.
  • savingmummysavingmummy Forumite
    2.9K Posts
    Debt-free and Proud!
    jules8542 wrote: »
    Just a thought but when looking at the new property, if you got a bigger second room for your ten year old, why not get bunk beds ? at least then , if really necessary your other son could sleep over when Uni breaks up etc and he pops home to visit ,and the lounge would be still clear for you all.



    Great idea!


    Even a small sofa bed may be an idea incase he visited, or your younger son had friends stay over.
    DebtFree FEB 2010!
    Slight blip in 2013 - Debtfree Aug 2014 :j

    Savings £132/£1000.
  • CissiCissi Forumite
    1.1K Posts
    jules8542 wrote: »
    Just a thought but when looking at the new property, if you got a bigger second room for your ten year old, why not get bunk beds ? at least then , if really necessary your other son could sleep over when Uni breaks up etc and he pops home to visit ,and the lounge would be still clear for you all.

    I second that idea - your younger son would probably love having bunk beds anyway, for sleepovers etc. My DSs (10 and 7) share a room and they love making the lower bunk into a cosy den. We plan to re-organise upstairs in the next couple of years and give them a bedroom each, with bunk beds in both for when we have people to stay.

    A tip: most bunk beds aren't proper adult size, but you can get good ones from IKEA that are and don't cost a bomb.
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