Freaking out about the wedding 20 March 2014 at 12:52AM in Weddings & anniversaries 34 replies 4.3K views

Trixsie1989

Hi all,

After another row with oh and future in laws about who we are inviting to the wedding I'm hive a bit of a meltdown about it all.
Basically we wanted a small wedding with just close friends and family, around 30 people. Obviously our families have people they want to invite too but had agreed to them being invited on night only for the majority. Now in laws have guilt tripped oh into inviting family who he hasn't seen in years to the day rather than just the night including a few people just because they will feel snubbed if they only get invited to the night. We are paying for it all with my dad paying for our honeymoon and inlaws paying for cake topper at present.
Now oh won't budge, we're upto around 50 ppl for the day and it's growing. On top of this we have everyone telling us what they want us to do with our day and I just feel like cancelling it all and just taking two witnesses to the registry office. How on earth am I going to get through the next 10 months? Xxx

rachiibell

Try to stay calm and remember why it is your marrying your OH. I don't know why families have to get so over involved in weddings! And when it all gets too much come on here and have a vent! Good luck x

Si_Clist

rachiibell wrote: »

I don't know why families have to get so over involved in weddings!

In my experience, when couples are paying for the day themselves but they still get this treatment from families there are two main reasons.

One is that the couples don't recognise the thin edge of a wedge when it's pushed up against them, so once they roll over for one person they're doomed.

And the other is simply that, for whatever reason, they lack the confidence to just say no.

tillyenna

I had a moment of realisation the other day about my own wedding (when my mother and future MIL were being a bit forceful about what they want) and that is the following "you don't get something for nothing" - odd phrase to associate with the wedding, but this is how I look at it: What I want (my 'something') is to be married to The Boss - but I don't get that for 'nothing' so what I need to do in order to get it, is push my way through the wedding.


Admittedly I don't think a wedding is supposed to be seen as a chore, but I'm honestly more concerned about the marriage. I'm already looking forward to September 14th, which is the first day of my married life (wedding is the 13th) because it's going to be the best day ever - I've just got a wedding to get through to get there!

Floss

Can you afford to pay for these extra people to attend during the day? Maybe you & your H2B could sit down & go through your budget together and see if there really is enough money to cover everything that you are paying for. Then perhaps you need to speak to both sets of parents at the same time about numbers and financial limits.

Bella73

As the pair of you are paying for it all you need to man up to the situation. If they want to invite all and sundry, inform them now how much each of their guest list is going to cost, factor in meal, welcome drink, you will need a bigger cake, more invitations, favours, more decorations for tables, more time with the photographer etc the lot and give them a total. Might sharpen the mind for them.

Do it with a smile, of course you can invite 30 people that will be let me see at £60...£1800. (Just pulled the figure out of the air as no idea of your budget but you get the gist). Obviously you will need the money upfront as well.

Stephb1986_2

With 16 days to go, I have found out many things on the way. We too are paying for it ourselves......so my advice is do what ever you want and tell everyone else to get stuffed! because you will get to the stage where I am at where you don't care who turns up or what goes wrong at this stage.

If you let these people have their way now they will think they can always walk all over you. Get your balls and use them!!!! (I wish someone gave me this advice)

Steph xx

Jackie132

you should handle this situation calmly since it's your wedding. you should talk with your family members to fix all the issue. sometimes, It seems annoying when families interfere, and make their own decision.

DigForVictory

Deep calming breath.
Marriage is about a man & a woman. Weddings are about showing that off to the world. Surviving the run-up is an *acid* test. Right now, your ability to keep your intended on track has slipped. There are several months in which to remedy this, so panic not, but focus. Have invites gone out (already?) or is it just word of mouth?

Now OH won't budge - of course not, he's been leant on by his family & to move out needs a face saver. So one of you (or a pet or a vehicle) needs to go sick for a month so you Can't Afford X. It's all about saving his face to allow him to apologise & say of course we're delighted & we'd love to see you, but (Insert most manipulative relative's name here) is hosting a special wedding lunch for us so you can have the party & the evening do and we can have the tiny wedding we can afford...

Bella's suggestion that you put a price on each additional head that they stump up for in advance is a corker! Just check you know where the nearest defibrillator is...

Just remember that while you marry the man, you will also have to have strategies handy to manage his family & if he's vulnerable to pressure, you'll need a bundle of tools. (I recommend distance as a cracking good start.)

AndyBSG

Unfortunately for the OP, that's just how weddings work.

Both sets of parents will see it 'their son/daughters wedding' so think that gives them a say in it.

I was very firm with my future in laws when we started the wedding so they got the message early on and didn't try to pressure my OH into anything.

Best thing is to sit down with your OH and ask him 'Is this what YOU want or what your PARENTS want'?

Si_Clist

DigForVictory wrote: »

Marriage is about a man & a woman. Weddings are about showing that off to the world.

Ain't that the truth!

After having worked for over 400 couples getting married, I dearly wish I had a crisp tenner for every time I've been thinking just that as I listened to the latest aggravation they were getting ...

Unless they're paying for the whole pantomime, parents should just !!!!!! and realise who and what a wedding is supposed to be about.