When will I see my Fiancee again?

Jamie22334

Hi everyone,

I am 20 years old and currently live with my Fiancee who is 23 years old. We have been together for nearly a year, we first met back in January 2013 and got engaged exactly a year later. She is my best friend as well as my soul mate and I can't see myself with anyone else and couldn't cope without her.

However, a few days ago, my fiancee lost her beloved dog. She was absolutely devastated by the loss of him. We all were. I have only been living with her for 8 months but he has been in the family and her life for 10 years. Before the two of us met, things were not east for her. In those 10 years, she had faced alot of bad things and all she ever really had was him. It's really taken a chunk out of her which is totally understandably. I have never raised a dog from a puppy before so i can't really say I know what its like, but I would imagine it's extremely painful.

This is my problem, I am very sensitive when it comes to her, I had a terrible childhood, I lived in London from birth until I moved up to here to live. I didn't finish school, I lost a lot of family members between the years and never really found happiness. This is something my fiancee has given me now, I am so happy. I have never felt happiness like this. My previous relationships all ended with heartbreak of betrayal. I am ashamed to say that I used to drink, alot. I also had my fair share of drug use. I regret it all everyday but no one (family) ever cared. I was always put down by my parents who never believed in me and I lost the one person I could talk to about anything at a early age.

Enough about me, back to the problem's I'm having at the moment. Her dog passed away on Saturday and ever since then, things have changed. My fiancee can't stop the tears, she is weak and empty. Now usually I would be able to take this and comfort her until she feels better, but I can't. Something has changed. I can see right through her. I look into her eyes and she hasn't got that same look anymore. Even when she is temporally smiling or laughing, her eyes just look dead. I wouldn't be able to notice this on anybody else since I'm not a psychologist or anything like that, but I can see it with her because she is my soul mate. It's extremely hard to keep going now. I feel as if I'm losing her, the life in her eyes is gone.

I may be being stupid since I don't fully understand what it's like to lose a dog who has been around for that long but I just don't know what to think or do. My auntie is currently in a hospice with terminal cancer and is expected to pass away within the next few weeks. I was probably closer to her than anyone else in my family and she has lost all of the person she used to be and is slowly fading away. I am getting that sick feeling inside my heart every time I wake up or lie down to go to sleep. Every time my fiancee starts crying, I throw up. I can't help it, it just gets to me this time. I am getting that nervous stomach sort of feeling when I'm sitting in the same room as her, I don't know whether that's because I'm worried she is about to cry or whether I think I'm losing her.

I need help. My auntie is going to be gone in a couple of weeks and if I have no answers to what's going on everywhere then I don't know how I'm going to cope. I love her with every part of my soul and thats why I'm throwing up at the thought of her crying. I need someone to explain to me what to do. I feel as if my heart is slowly shrinking and it's killing me. I feel as if I will never get that amazing and wonderful girl I fell in love with back again and this will be the new her from now on.

I have never posted on her before but I have seen my fiancee use it from time to time and thought I'd use it for a desperate cry for help. My fiancee is always cuddling her mum and I just sit there watching and listening to her cry. I also get a bit upset that I have no mother to comfort me about my aunties condition. It also gets me upset because I lost my grandmother 6 years ago and I had to get over her by myself since she was the only person who believed in me and showed me what it felt like to be loved. I haven't got over her death still but I was getting close to letting her go but then my auntie got ill on christmas day of 2012 and it all started over again. It all came back to me and yet again, no one came to me and tried to help me get over any of it. That is another thing that upsets me about this situation too, but thats personal and I don't expect anyone to try and help with that because that's my problem.

But in conclusion, I really need a helping hand here. Anyone who see's this may think its pathetic and I'm weak and soft... You would be right to think that, I am weak and soft, I never used to be, I would never show emotions, always played the hard man who didn't feel a damn thing. But meeting this girl, changed all that. When it comes to her. I'm soft as anything. So no matter what you guys think of me, can you guys please lend me a hand. Any comment with advice would be appreciated so much.

So, Am I being stupid? Is this normal after losing a pet after 10 years? Will she get over this and be my baby again? Will I ever see the girl that I fell in love with again? Is this permanent? How is she feeling right now? Is this just the heartbreak of losing he dog or is this going to change her? Does it mean anything that I can't hug her better anymore and only her mum can? Can anyone give me some advice? Please guys. Really struggling here. Would love to see your guys feedback and advice since I am literally static at the moment. When will this end? Will it end? We she be happy like she was before? We never had a single argument, always smiling together. We are one of those couples that you guys would see on the street and scream "CHEESY B*STARDS" at! We were so so happy. Everything was perfect. Will it ever be the same again

Congratulations of whoever finished reading this!

Every piece of advice will be taken with a pinch of salt and warmly appreciated, even if its just a 4 worded sentence, it will still mean alot to me.

Thank you guys, god bless you all.

Zalem33

i do worry for you, Jamie

it does depend on what type of woman she is, on how strong she is. 10 years is a long time to have a dog and to lose it if your not a strong person, is very dangerous.

there is a slim chance she will won't get over this but your best shot it to try your best to get her to come round and tell you her feeling.

if everything is as good as you said it was befoe this happened, then it will all be fine. I am 31 years old and my brothers wife lost her dog after 7 years and it took her years to get over that.

i dont know what she was like after the death but things didnt seem to be the same with them. they dont have as much fun as they did before apparently but hey, they are still married and happy with 2 kids.

i dont think you will lose her completely but it may take a few years. i strongly advise you to take a break, not break up or anything but just go away somewhere, do you have any relatives? sister? brother? go see them. i say this because of the state of your auntie and its probably not going to be good for you losing her and still having your fiance being a different person. i fear it will upset you too much.

you are young and see like a legit and decent bloke. dont let yourself get sucked in. stay close to her all you can but my advice would to be to take a break from everything, you dont want to lose your auntie and then still think you have lost your fiance.

i hope this reply helps, send me a post back if you need anymore advice. im guessing your living in the united kingdom? i am located in tampa bay florida so i am way behind your time and will be around alot longer.

hope this helped

coolcait

There is an awful lot going on - emotionally - in your post.

With all due respect to your fiancee's grief over her loss, I think that your reaction to that grief is a symptom of your own emotional state.

You might find it helpful to talk to someone about the losses you have experienced in your own life, and the situation you are going through with your aunt.

It's worth trying to get some counselling through your GP - or ask if the hospice can point you in the right direction for counselling. Maybe give the Samaritans a call.

jenhug

Your partner is grieving but all you can say is "me me me".

JIL

When our family dog died, we all cryed. I remember my mothers words "all this over a dog", I would not suggest going away for a break as the previous poster has suggested. Instead I would stay and be there for your girlfreind. Hug her when she needs you. It sounds like this is the death of her dog is bringing back all the feelings you had when your grandmother died. Like you said you did not grieve properly you were on your own. You also realise the feelings will return with the passing of your auntie.
You probably in your heart want things to go back to how they used to be. All relationships will have barriers and obstacles just like the ones you are experiencing now. Its how you as a couple deal with them that defines how you go forward.
I would suggest having a look at CRUSE for some guidance.
Wishing you all the best, you will come through it.

I would also edit your post to remove the dogs name and gfs name.

Zalem33

jenhug wrote: »

Your partner is grieving but all you can say is "me me me".

he is explaining his side of the story, dont be too hard on him, he is still just a kid, he cant help it. he seems mature enough to notice situations but struggles to cope with them, give him your advice and dont put him down dude.

i agree with another comment, maybe counselling would help, i dont know but its too many feeling for a young man to have placed on his shoulders

Jamie22334

I don't mean to make it sound like it's all about me. It's not. I am just the one posting this thread so I'm giving you guys my side to things. If the tables were turned and my fiancee was doing this, I would expect her to be expressing her own problems and doubts. It's not all about me but I'm the one who made this thread and I'm the one asking for help an advice. I'm not asking for you guys to feel sorry for me or anything, just wanted to get it all out there so you guys can see the full story. Just want advice, thats all.

catkins

Your girlfriend is only 23 and had her dog 10 years so was 13 when she got him. She grew up with him.


I am in my 50's and had quite a few dogs over the years and always been upset when they died. My last one I had from a pup whereas the others had been older rescue dogs and I think having him from young and training him made me closer to him. When he died I was in a terrible state. I cried every day for weeks, I hardly ate and was very depressed. My husband was very worried about me. It took a while but eventually I didn't cry every day and could actually laugh and smile when I thought about my beautiful boy.


Losing a loved pet is like losing a family member which people who have not had a pet just do not realise.


It's not been many days since your girlfriend's dog died so the grief is still very new and raw to her. Just be there for her, hug her when she cries and if she wants to talk about her dog listen and be sympathetic.


Not everyone gets that upset about a pet but plenty do so your girlfriend is not strange or anything. In time I am sure she will be back to her old self but if a couple of weeks down the line she has not improved maybe she should see her doctor.

FBaby

Jamie, you seem to be of a very passionate nature and experience feelings intensely. This is great as it fuels with good energy, but you need to be very careful as to how it can affect you when the things you are passionate about don't go the way you need them to to make you feel happy and settle.

Judging on your thread, you seem to be falling apart just because your girlfriend has not been totally herself for 5 days. You're going to have to learn that relationship is not all about being happy together. All relationship face moments when things are tough, insecure, our love one change and we don't know if it is temporary or permanent and we question how best to provide them the support they need whilst coping with the anxiety we face due to the change.

I don't want to upset you, but from what you have written, it doesn't come across as if you are ready to be married because of the above. You clearly adore your fiance and you are in a committed relationship, but unless you can learn to be at peace with yourself without depending fully on your fiancee, until you can appreciate that your fiancee will have emotions that you can't control and you learnt to cope with difficult situations both of you might face, you are not really ready to take on married life.

Give her some space to grief, ie. not being herself. Be there for her when she needs it, but don't pressure her to be back to her own self because it suits you. Grief is a process that can take some time and the worse for those going through is to be made to feel that they should snap out of it quicker than they are ready for the benefit of someone else.

paulineb_2

The entire post concerned me too. You seem to rely on your girlfriend to be upbeat and can't cope if she isn't. When my cat who I had for ten years died suddenly I cried for days. It's totally normal to be upset when you lose a pet.

You sound as if you need support for the issue with your aunt. Get some support, go to your GP.

You will be devastated when she dies and you may not be yourself for a long time. And just because it's a pet and not a human doesn't mean your fianc!e won't be suffering.

It's really not a good sign that unless things are perfect with your partner you fall to bits but given that you are going though a very tough time right now and you have some testing times ahead, I think a chat with your gp would help.

The way you are reacting to your partners upset really isn't very supportive. What would happen if something much more stressful happened to the pair of you?

Artytarty

After he sudden loss of my cat it took me six months to feel normal again. I was going through all the usual routines and seemingly coping but if you had looked into my eyes you would have seen a broken person. Give her time, lots of it.