being a carer

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I apologise if I am confusing you with with somebody else, but if my memory serves me right, it Seems like he's always left you to do the hard work, but take little responsibility for himself, Raksha? Both physically and emotionally?


You can say 'no'. It is allowed - and he might actually do something to help himself, including asking for help, if he realises you aren't going to do it all anymore. It may sound awful, but if he realises that he's not going to get sympathy because he is choosing to be in pain by not seeing the doctor, if he is left having to take care of his own hygiene because he's not got you to do it for him - perhaps then he'll accept that he needs outside help.

meritaten

I didn't want to say this - but think I should. Raksha - I think he is literally taking the pi$$. Nobody would enjoy being 'incontinent' and they would seek help, someone who doesn't, is to my mind doing it on purpose. I get the feeling he wants to 'enslave' you. and is using a medical condition to do so.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

meritaten wrote: »

I didn't want to say this - but think I should. Raksha - I think he is literally taking the pi$$. Nobody would enjoy being 'incontinent' and they would seek help, someone who doesn't, is to my mind doing it on purpose. I get the feeling he wants to 'enslave' you. and is using a medical condition to do so.

Following from Meri's suggestion - did his problems worsen when you started losing weight?

Person_one

meritaten wrote: »

I didn't want to say this - but think I should. Raksha - I think he is literally taking the pi$$. Nobody would enjoy being 'incontinent' and they would seek help, someone who doesn't, is to my mind doing it on purpose. I get the feeling he wants to 'enslave' you. and is using a medical condition to do so.

You may be right, but I feel I must point out that its actually really common for people (men especially) to struggle on for years and years without seeking help for problems that are more personal and embarrassing.

LannieDuck

He's being very selfish and is making things much harder for himself and yourself.

I've just had major abdominal surgery (appendectomy and c-section), and have been sent home with sufficient painkillers to make me comfortable. Unless his condition is very serious or unusual (I realise there are some conditions where pain is very hard to control), there shouldn't be any reason for him to be in constant pain.

As for the rest, I've been pushing myself to try and get mobile around the house to help OH. He's been a star dealing with everything himself, and there's no way I would avoid addressing a problem if it was making more work for him. I'm afraid your OH just needs to get over himself and talk to the doctor about his incontinence. Easier said than done tho. I like the idea of speaking to the doctor for him if he won't.

But it also sounds like, if he addresses the pain issue, he might be able to get back up the stairs to use the toilet and that would resolve itself?

SlimmingSusan

I am in a similar situation in a way but different, and just wanted to say I really feel for you.

It is so much easier to see a situation from outside and see that you should make a stand, but doing it is so difficult, I totally empathise.

valk_scot

Being incontinent plus extreme hip and leg pain sounds like he needs to get back to the GP pronto. We're not allowed to give medical advice here so I can't actually say what's on my mind, I'm just going to say I have spinal problems and have been given a list of red flag symptoms to watch out for and to go to my GP asap if I develop any of them. Make him see the doctor, or go yourself and report these symptoms.

keep_flyin

Phone social services and ask for a carers assessment for yourself. Tell them of the issues and they can put things in to support your role.

KxMx

LannieDuck wrote: »

He's being very selfish and is making things much harder for himself and yourself.

I've just had major abdominal surgery (appendectomy and c-section), and have been sent home with sufficient painkillers to make me comfortable. Unless his condition is very serious or unusual (I realise there are some conditions where pain is very hard to control), there shouldn't be any reason for him to be in constant pain.

As for the rest, I've been pushing myself to try and get mobile around the house to help OH. He's been a star dealing with everything himself, and there's no way I would avoid addressing a problem if it was making more work for him. I'm afraid your OH just needs to get over himself and talk to the doctor about his incontinence. Easier said than done tho. I like the idea of speaking to the doctor for him if he won't.

But it also sounds like, if he addresses the pain issue, he might be able to get back up the stairs to use the toilet and that would resolve itself?

Going to disagree here, long term chronic pain, with or without a diagnosed cause, is actually more common than most realise.

For my own problems I've only gotten effective painkillers in the past 4 months, for a chronic pain problem going on since 2009! So many things were tried and failed.

I believe from the previous topic op's oh has some issues with pain medications (not being able to tolerate many) also. Which is why I suggested a pain specialist last time. Thought that'd be the best person to advise on medication and many pain clinics offer all sorts of advice and help to a person in chronic pain.

Raksha

Ironically, his problems started when he started to loose a considerable amount of weight.
Yes, he is seeing a pain specialist, he was referred by hus psychotherapist for an emergency appointment with them which was supposed to have been last Sunday, but that was cancelled and rescheduled for 16th March. I suggested he call the psychotherapists to let them know, but he refused....

I've just called Social Services and while they can't asses him without his agreement, they've agreed to asses my needs as a carer. That alone is quite a weight off my shoulders, although they did confirm they have no record of him having been referred by his GP