Award winning letter of complaint to NTL...

ferry

Apologies for A-the long post and B-if its been posted before...
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint
letter of the year...have a laugh and read on.

Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words A
real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their Complaints Dept)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modern, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so
that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day
smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat @rse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website?. HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -
an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The
rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the
technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not
arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six
weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between
about 6pm - midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting
for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your
no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled b@llock
jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will
call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or
not a telephone line is available and then been cut off); that I will be
transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine
informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to
someone and then been. redirected to the irritating Scottish robot
woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in
print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were e, that they had attained the holy !!!!-pot of
god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, arid because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to
my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of
s you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum
incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - ers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of
success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you
cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver
- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief
quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose
two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as
an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your
pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated
during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I
would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their
rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my
feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of .

John




Gotta admire the honesty...

Bufflowbill

What year was that. Its been doing the rounds for approx 3 years now.

ferry

I'd not seen it which is why I apologised at the start of my thread.:rolleyes:

Lazee_Wolf

I'd seen it before too but thanks for sharing!!

Business_Terminators

I have to say I am glad the award winning letter was three years old as it is a highly dangerous practice to praise BT in anyway! Even in comparison to another poor provider.

BT are fairly relaxed as it is having taken 7 weeks to fix my Telephone Line but then again with me losing 28k and BT offerring only 89 pence per day for the 2 sixths of a year they left me without service we have to understand the compensation side at 89 pence is far from the levels that would whip them into action. Just a pity I don't have a cat.

normanmark

Business_Terminators wrote: »

I have to say I am glad the award winning letter was three years old as it is a highly dangerous practice to praise BT in anyway! Even in comparison to another poor provider.

BT are fairly relaxed as it is having taken 7 weeks to fix my Telephone Line but then again with me losing 28k and BT offerring only 89 pence per day for the 2 sixths of a year they left me without service we have to understand the compensation side at 89 pence is far from the levels that would whip them into action. Just a pity I don't have a cat.

Did you have a residential line or a business telephone line?