Years 50-60 compared to 40-50?

moneyistooshorttomention

Parsimonia wrote: »

That is so interesting! My MIL has also turned into a grumpy old woman - she's like Victoria Medrew!!! But her transformation happened later - her irascibility didn't really emerge until her 2nd husband died 3 years ago, when she'd have been 70. Up until that point she had the sweetest, most lovely nature you could hope to meet.

She says it's because she's had to learn to fight her own battles since her husband died - so she's become belligerent and combative - but it's weird, because she often seems to pick fights with perfectly innocent people (such as bank clerks) who are just trying to help her. And she's become horribly impatient too.

I thought it was just her, but your comment makes me wonder if it's a hormonal thing that happens to every woman!

As for myself, I'm 49 in May, and the thing I notice most as I approach 50 is that I've started groaning every time I get off the sofa as if it causes me pain, when really it doesn't hurt at all! Why do I do that? And when did I start doing it? I thin k it just crept up on me and has become a habit - I must try to break it!!!

I get where your MIL is coming from re "having to fight own battles" since her husband died. It sounds like she is over-reacting a bit to having to do so now and not quite managing to work out yet who does and doesn't deserve a "rocket up the backside".

As someone who has always been single, I've always had to "fight my own battles" and often wondered what percentage of married women appreciate that they are only having to fight some of the "battles" themselves or maybe none at all because Hubbie is fighting some or all of the battles for them.

I guess women who married later in life will understand, but I do wonder whether many women who married early on in life understand.

I know my own mother doesn't seem to realise just how many of the "battles are fought" for her by her husband (ie my father) and obviously doesn't appreciate that I have to deal with all that on my own.

Being single means never ever being able to say "Its your turn to deal with that dear" or maybe even not realising there IS a battle to be fought (ie because hubbie has already realised/fought it and won).

Parsimonia

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I get where your MIL is coming from re "having to fight own battles" since her husband died. It sounds like she is over-reacting a bit to having to do so now and not quite managing to work out yet who does and doesn't deserve a "rocket up the backside".

As someone who has always been single, I've always had to "fight my own battles" and often wondered what percentage of married women appreciate that they are only having to fight some of the "battles" themselves or maybe none at all because Hubbie is fighting some or all of the battles for them.

I guess women who married later in life will understand, but I do wonder whether many women who married early on in life understand.

I know my own mother doesn't seem to realise just how many of the "battles are fought" for her by her husband (ie my father) and obviously doesn't appreciate that I have to deal with all that on my own.

Being single means never ever being able to say "Its your turn to deal with that dear" or maybe even not realising there IS a battle to be fought (ie because hubbie has already realised/fought it and won).

Such an insightful post! My mam is exactly the type of woman you describe (she's been with dad since she was 15 and married since 19...she's now 84.) She's always saying things like: 'Married for 65 years, miserable for 64 and a half...' and she never has a good word to say for him, but she has no concept of how much she relies on him (she thinks its 100% the other way round) to fight her corner.

My own situation is a bit different. Both hubby and I are shy, but he's cripplingly shy, and so I've had to do quite a lot of fighting on his behalf, especially to get him decent hospital treatment. Because I work in a hospital and it's my familiar environment I feel OK sticking up for him and doing stuff like asking consultants to wash their hands before inserting cannulas (you'd be surprised how many don't), and insisting that nurses change their aprons before approaching him having just changed the dirty bed of patient Y.

It's also me that's done all of the fighting over his benefits (though I lost!) etc. My hubby stammers badly too, so if there's a difficult conversation to be had by phone, it's always me that has to do it.

So I know what you mean! At least my hubby is appreciative and recognises that I'm fighting his battles for him. Also, having to do so for him has probably been 'good for my development', and helped me to overcome my own shyness a little. I'm still hopeless at sticking up for myself, but I'd fight like a lion for my poor husband!

mumps

Parsimonia wrote: »

Such an insightful post! My mam is exactly the type of woman you describe (she's been with dad since she was 15 and married since 19...she's now 84.) She's always saying things like: 'Married for 65 years, miserable for 64 and a half...' and she never has a good word to say for him, but she has no concept of how much she relies on him (she thinks its 100% the other way round) to fight her corner.

My own situation is a bit different. Both hubby and I are shy, but he's cripplingly shy, and so I've had to do quite a lot of fighting on his behalf, especially to get him decent hospital treatment. Because I work in a hospital and it's my familiar environment I feel OK sticking up for him and doing stuff like asking consultants to wash their hands before inserting cannulas (you'd be surprised how many don't), and insisting that nurses change their aprons before approaching him having just changed the dirty bed of patient Y.

It's also me that's done all of the fighting over his benefits (though I lost!) etc. My hubby stammers badly too, so if there's a difficult conversation to be had by phone, it's always me that has to do it.

So I know what you mean! At least my hubby is appreciative and recognises that I'm fighting his battles for him. Also, having to do so for him has probably been 'good for my development', and helped me to overcome my own shyness a little. I'm still hopeless at sticking up for myself, but I'd fight like a lion for my poor husband!

Doing it for two isn't always easy. My husband has been disabled for over 20 years, probably closer to 25 now, how time flies. My two youngest were babies at the time so I have had to do the fighting, earning and caring. Sometimes I just feel tired but the good thing is I haven't had time to turn into a grumpy old woman but I am planning on being outrageous when I retire, there is a book called something like when I am old I'll wear purple and that is going to be me.

mrcow

Parsimonia wrote: »

she's so hostile and rude to poor receptionists, waitresses etc. She's horribly impatient and if anyone keeps her waiting she flies off the handle immediately!

Her behaviour is worse towards young, attractive women, so there's probably insecurity at the bottom of it all too....

That sounds very bully-like behaviour.

Picking on someone who is trying to do their job. Basically because you know they can't tell you to push off and shove it up your backside.

Does she actually realise how nasty that is?

Parsimonia

mrcow wrote: »

That sounds very bully-like behaviour.

Picking on someone who is trying to do their job. Basically because you know they can't tell you to push off and shove it up your backside.

Does she actually realise how nasty that is?

She recognises that she's impatient and often rude, but she almost wears it as a badge of honour. As if she's proud of it, almost.

We've both told her that we think her rudeness is unnecessary and unattractive (which may sound like a strange adjective to choose, but she rates attractiveness very highly, and we thought being called unattractive might get through to her in a way that a different adjective wouldn't be able to) but it's like water off a duck's back.

mrcow

Parsimonia wrote: »

She recognises that she's impatient and often rude, but she almost wears it as a badge of honour. As if she's proud of it, almost.

We've both told her that we think her rudeness is unnecessary and unattractive (which may sound like a strange adjective to choose, but she rates attractiveness very highly, and we thought being called unattractive might get through to her in a way that a different adjective wouldn't be able to) but it's like water off a duck's back.

I'd be annoyed with her too if she was my mum. It must be awful if she's doing it in restaurants when you're with her. It will get to the stage where you won't want to go out with her.

I'm not having a pop. My Dad is the same and has been since forever. But he's a bully. Out and out. As he's aged, he can't get away with it anymore as we tell him off about it. He certainly isn't "proud" of it though. It's almost like he's thinking that these people are his "servants" and they have to put up with his temper and unreasonableness.

I personally think it's a terrible personality trait. We all refuse to go to restaurants with my father now. He's embarrassed us too many times. And he knows it.

lessonlearned

mrcow wrote: »

I
I personally think it's a terrible personality trait. We all refuse to go to restaurants with my father now. He's embarrassed us too many times. And he knows it.

You must be my father's other child…….

As some of you will know I've had to assume the mantle of "speaker upper" and fight my disabled husband's battles for him.

Luckily I had had years of training as a negotiator to draw on and my training and experience have stood me in good stead.

I never shout at people, am never rude and am always the voice of sweet reason - even when I am quietly seething inside;). I find charm and a sweet smile far more effective than being rude or nasty. I always get what I want and I don't have to tread on anyone's toes to get it.

I saw how my father bullied everyone, flew into a rage over nothing and just ranted and raved and screamed at everyone, especially those who were smaller and weaker than him.

I also saw how people responded to him. Whilst some were clearly terrified of him some people just laughed behind his back and treated him like the idiot he was. He made so many enemies and of course "the world was always out to get him, to cheat him or to swindle him"

Of course his attitude to people meant that often they would be deliberately obstructive just to get their own back for how badly he had treated them.

I think the bullies and the rude obnoxious folk make a rod for their own back. If they were polite and considerate they would find the world a kinder gentler place and they would also find that their lives ran far more smoothly.

My lovely OH was a real high flyer but he was always nice to everyone, especially those in service industries, shop assistants, waiting and bar staff, secretaries and receptionists etc. At one point he ran a department of over 70 people, they all adored him and would go out of their way to please him or help him.

Everywhere we went it was the same, he could charm the birds off the trees. I make him sound like a right smarmy git but the charm was genuine - he just loved people and in return they loved him.

I firmly believe that we reap as we sow.

If we are pleasant and polite then people will treat us in the same kind, if we are rude and arrogant then people will be rude and unhelpful to us.

Whilst grief is terrible it's no excuse for turning against the human race!!

Although my OH is technically still alive - the man I loved and married "died" a long time ago. So yes I do understand how awful it is to lose your life's partner.

However, life still has to go on, so why not make it as pleasant as possible.

In the immortal words of Bill & Ted

"Be excellent to each other…….:rotfl:"

Bennifred

Yep - you catch more flies with honey than vinegar! :cool:

lessonlearned

Dandy-Candy - to get back to your question.

I think people just age at different rates and how they age is often related to their overall general health. Some people are old at 50, some are young at 80.

It's partly due to genetics of course, but I think it has more to do with lifestyle, i.e. diet, exercise and how much stress we have to deal with.

People who have very stressful working lives often seem to get a new lease of life once they retire and no longer have to do daily battle in the workplace. Plus of course when we retire we have more time to cook healthy foods and exercise a bit more. I think this why people in their 60's and early 70's often seem to have just as much energy and va-va-voom as people in their mid 50's.

Ageing in itself doesn't have to mean a decline in physical prowess or stamina etc unless of course there are underlying health issues. Obviously when we get to a great age there will be the inevitable wear and tear.

I think keeping active and doing some regular exercise is the key though. Keeping a youthful outlook and an open mind is also very important if we want to age well.

I agree about the stiffness. I'm definitely less flexible than I was. I have started doing regular yoga and pilates to fight back. It is helping me become a bit more supple and has greatly reduced my back pain.

I would think that perhaps it might be a good idea for your DH to have a bit of a MOT to check that all is well. In fact I think we should all have one every so often.

Most GP's now run "well person" clinics and he could discuss his loss of libido with his GP as part of his check up. The GP will ask him about this as a matter of course during the examination so there should be no real embarrassment factor. A good GP will be very matter of fact about the whole thing.

Loss of libido is quite common in men, there can be any number of factors involved . Do encourage him to seek help, he's probably feeling quite anxious about it.

scotsbob

Get the knee sorted by going to a physio at a sports clinic. You'll pay a few quid but it beats the NHS.
Then get him some Tadalafil off the Internet and everythings sorted.